Take Me To Church, Ep 7: Midfield, General
Steven Watt and Adam Birchall’s loan deals are coming up soon. I ask Chelsea and Arsenal if I can renew them with my most politest voice, and as expected, they scoff at me through their caviar sandwiches. That means we’ll lose Watt after our next game against Worthing in the FA Cup 4th Qualifying Round; we get to keep Birchall for one game after that, but then he’ll be gone too. Birchall’s absence can be absorbed with the continuing good form of Green, but Watt is a big loss, especially since I’ve settled on a back three at a time when I only really have three centre-halves who understand that their job is footballers, not nose-pickers.
Central midfield is a problem too, for similar reasons — with Cooke and Pegger both out for a further week, I’m forced to draft Lawless into centre-mid and hope he can operate there, while also bringing amateur-sprinter-and-not-much-else Simon Lyons onto my bench and praying at the altar of the Horny Church that I never have to rely on him for anything other than getting me a chippy every couple of days.
As a club without a division on FM2005 I don’t expect Worthing to be that tough a test, but my goodness, the Atlantic Fish Bar has cod less battered than we are in the first half, and they take a deserved 1–0 lead into the break. Their goal comes from a left-wing cross that lands at the feet of their right winger, who’s standing unmarked on the penalty spot, and he can’t miss. On viewing the replay I notice that all three of my centre-halves chose to mark a man on the edge of the area rather than the one standing all alone next to our keeper, which I would try to coach out of them, but let’s be honest — we all know I can’t.
The second half begins and we start brightly. Lawless and Green combine to release Windross, and to my shock, one of his shots from the edge of the box is not only on target, but flies into the top corner for 1–1.
We huff and puff our way to the end of the game, which finishes level and will take us to yet another replay we could do without, but I guess the good news is that we’re still unbeaten, and we’re still in the FA Cup. We’re making a right meal of it, and my players barely have the strength to take their shorts off after the game, but we haven’t lost. Drawing when playing badly feels okay to me. Another MOTM award for Booth, too — he really is a saucy little player.
Thankfully, the board are on board with all these draws against non-league teams. Good for me.
Arsenal’s board also apparently see good things from my middling management style and miraculously accept my second loan bid for Birchall, so with any luck we won’t lose him — but Watt returns to Chelsea, so I make very panicky alternate loan bids for Marcos Painter of Birmingham and Man City’s Nathan D’Laryea. Whatever happens, we need CB cover.
We also learn that our prize, if we manage to overcome Worthing in the replay, is an FA Cup First Round tie with League Two’s Bristol Rovers! What a lovely start to the day this has been. A proper league team to test ourselves against, and more importantly, a relative marquee fixture that might help to fill our flagging coffers, which are currently £130k in the red. “How can that have happened”, I wonder out loud as I grab my jacket and head for the pub.
I’ve come to know the staff at the Windmill pretty well. One of them, a familiar-looking lady with red highlights and glasses whose nametag says Big Sooz, has barely poured my third pint of the morning before my phone buzzes uncontrollably in my pocket. Our finances are about to get a little bit worse… but look what I get in return!
I have offers in for probably 20 players with unprotected contracts, but Maciej Pastuszka is the first to formally accept, and he’ll join us on 1st January. Right back isn’t a particularly important area to strengthen given my myriad of other problems, but I’ll always take quality where I can, and with Elcock unable to adequately perform — he is 37, after all — I need options. This will do nicely.
Adam Birchall’s three-month loan extension is approved, and in the nick of time. Both my backup strikers, Ronnie Green and Ross Harrison, are unhappy at their lack of game time, feel like they’ve been “brought to the club under false pretences”, and want to leave asap. To be honest, they’re absolutely right. I put them on the transfer list with a heavy heart, but a cheeky eye on the ageing South American forwards I’ve offered contracts to…
Anyway. We’ve got Worthing back at The Stadium for the replay of our FA Cup qualifier, and I stumble to my shoddily-lined technical area, pint in hand. Let’s ‘ave it.
We lead in the 6th minute. Gaughan goes long down the middle towards Lawless, who’s snuck between the centre-halves. The Worthing keeper comes but gets nowhere near it, and with the goal at his mercy, Lawless slides home from the edge of the box. I definitely over-celebrate the goal with the home fans behind my dugout, but what can I say — I love Strongbow.
The rest of the half is a quiet affair, which Worthing defender Andrew Beech spices up by getting himself sent off for a professional foul on Birchall after 44 minutes, and within minutes of the second half starting, Birchall has crossed for Lawless to tuck home his second goal of the day.
The game was going in our direction before the red card, but afterwards, Worthing are chasing shadows. I pull off Elcock, who’s on another 4 — at this point it’s my fault, not his — and Lawless is unlucky not to notch his hat-trick on the hour as his deflected drive is pushed away superbly by Ormerod in the Worthing goal.
I withdraw him five minutes from time to let little Simon Lyons have a run out for a change, but the game is done and dusted. Worthing are unworthy, and your mighty Urchins progress to the big one: Bristol Rovers at home in the FA Cup First Round proper.
I head straight to my office (an open laptop on a four-seater table in the dark corner at the Windmill) to continue my exploratory transfer business. I’ve sent my scouts far and wide to every corner of the Earth in search of new talent, and there’s loads to be found for our level. One is a little closer to home — French Airdrie Utd striker Jerome Vareille. He doesn’t want to leave the club, paving the way for a fabulous Nicolas Anelka-style situation if he joins, but agrees to my terms regardless. I delay the transfer for a week to see how my other business concludes; he looks good, but not THAT good. I might be able to sneak someone a bit better. Plus, Lee Paul is incoming — if I’m going to sign another striker, he ought to be excellent.
I can’t possibly run down every player I’m looking at, but this is my current list of active deals. I’m especially hopeful that Geteau Ferdinand manages to get here because obviously.
And one swift Continue later, two of those names become new additions: Nathan D’Laryea on loan until 4th Feb, and legendary attacking midfielder Ruel Fox for £1k from Stanway Rovers! What a get!
Okay look, I know neither of them are any good, but sue me — I need bodies, and Sooz has started giving me free Aftershock chasers with every Strongbow so my judgement and vision are impaired. She seems to have taken a liking to me… or is that pity? I’m never sure.
Another two shots down, another two signings in the bag! They’re like Christmas buses! Which reminds me, we really should get a bus.
Liverpool defender James Smith and Reading centre-mid Simieon Howell arrive on three-month loans to give me further bodies to put on the line in these brutal Conference South fixtures. If things go well, they won’t play much — but we’re severely short of options, and players on loan with no wages are prime candidates to be shoved into danger when there’s nobody else available.
Having turned down £7k last time around, I then receive three £20k bids for Ronnie Green from Peterborough, Hendon and Dover. This is fantastic news. With Birchall here until the new year and Lee Paul already confirmed to arrive, taking in what is more than my entire transfer budget for a single player is great business. I really wish we could have made it work, but in the absence of true love, I’ll take a cash settlement.
Our next fixture is our third cup game in a row, this time the first round of the FA Trophy against Altrincham, 22nd in the Conference North. I’ve been offered a room above the Windmill until I find my own place (I’m never going to leave), so at fourteen pints and eighteen shots of red Aftershock, I decide to turn in early and get a good night’s sleep in time for the game.
I barely make it to the dressing room 15 minutes before kick off, my trousers on inside-out and my tie so loose you could drive a tank through it. The players look at me unsurprised, even the four guys who only got here a few days ago, so I quickly tell them where they’re all playing and head to the urinal to freshen up. I’ve decided to try a 4–1–2–1–2 today, a nice new formation, since we ought to beat Altrincham and I want to find a system with a back four that actually works. At the moment my 4–4–2 and 4–1–3–2 feel like they don’t, so I want something to fall back on. Listen, I’m hungover and insecure, okay? Give me this one.
The first real action of the game is Ruel Fox smashing the post with a raking effort from 30 yards 18 minutes into the game, but the highlights have been all us so far, so I can only assume through my blurry eyes that everything is going well. Fox also takes on corner duty since Lee Sharpe is left out — still moaning about being played out of position once — and he whips one right onto the head of Windross that crashes off the crossbar and out for a goal kick. Pass the bucket would you, Jorge? Not you Mick. You stay out of this.
The great thing about this formation is that every single opposition goal kick falls to us. With essentially four central midfielders, one of them is always underneath a long clearance, so we just come back at Altrincham time and time again — but as we tick into the 90th minute we’ve not put a single effort on target, and I’m seriously considering my life choices yet again. Everything is either high or wide, the worst culprit being Cooke, who comes on in AMC and takes the ball fully around the keeper on 82, but can only hit the side netting. I would scream but there are other things coming out at the moment, so I just gently weep instead. Yet another replay it is.
Post-match, Ronnie Green’s transfer to Peterborough for £20k is confirmed. I find it amazing that he’s managed to go all the way up to League One in a single bound; it’s almost like I was missing a trick. However, he instantly doubles my transfer budget, so he absolutely goes with my blessing. Imagine how many Argentinians I can afford with this kind of cash.
Okay, Altrincham again. Let’s try this one more time, but with Lee Sharpe out of position once more. I might as well at this point — he’s still moaning about it, and I’m still feeling a bit dizzy. Jorge, take over for this one would you pal? Mick, for the last time, where is my bucket.
Both teams stain the sheets inside eight minutes. Both are headers from corners, Altrincham score first, but we reply three minutes later through Kevin Gaughan, and it’s 1–1 early on. Altrincham, as the home side, are far more adventurous than they were in the previous game, but we’re holding them at bay — and I’m particularly impressed with the cut of Simieon Howell’s jib as he puts his 13 for Dribbling to fine use, using his extremely close control to dance and pirouette away from onrushing defenders with ease. Unfortunately his end product, be it shot or pass, is lacking — but the ball glues to him whenever he receives it. I’m already very happy to have him in my midfield.
Lee Sharpe is also putting in a performance to suggest he’s not completely out of place in AMC, and in the 36th minute, his through ball to Windross is taken down by the big forward, knocked past two defenders, and hammered past Stuart Coburn in the home nets for 2–1. Slightly against the run of play, but honestly, I couldn’t care less.
Adam Birchall has been walloped at half time, so I make an change that’s very in character for someone with my blood-alcohol level. I withdraw the Arsenal loanee and put Lee Sharpe up front with Windross, but on the left, moving big Andy to the right with Ruel Fox in behind. It seems stupid when I have moany Ross Harrison on the bench, but hear me out: Windross is constantly pushed onto his left foot, which makes sense since he’s our left-sided striker — and as a result, 90% of his shots scuff wide or balloon into the stands. I’ve been thinking since the first day of the season that if he only had a left foot on him, he’d score a truckload. Well, you know who DOES have a left foot and loves being played out of position? That’s right, the corner flag tickler himself. I am, once again, a genius until proven otherwise.
Minutes into the second half, Sarge plays a simple ball to the feet of Howell. My new favourite loanee skips past yet another hapless Altrincham defender down the right hand side, gets all the way to the six yard box, then lays it back to our resident vet, whose vicious shot pings off some poor bastard on the way to flying into the top corner for 3–1 to the mighty Urchins.
We’re fully in charge of this game, and just over the hour mark, Howell gets his reward for an outstanding all-round performance. Sharpe wins a brilliant header to knock it down for him in midfield, but Howell, as always, sets off on an incredible, impossible run straight through the middle of Altrincham’s defence. He beats the first two defenders easily and slams a low shot home before the third can get to him, and just like that, we’re 4–1 up and coasting.
Altrincham get a consolation penalty late on as Elcock gets a bit too far up Wright, James Flood converting, but this game is already well over. A brilliant game all round, and Simieon Howell is a revelation. I think that’s our first 10 of the season, if I remember correctly through this migraine?
It’s amazing what 13 Dribbling and 16 Passing can do, apparently. Goal and assist for Howell, three assists for Lee Sharpe, a 9 for Mark Booth — my midfield feels tasty, like warm, salty, freshly-carved meat and salad on a large toasted pitta bread with garlic mayo and a pickled chilli. Jorge, look up the best places for kebabs in Altrincham, will you mate? Mick’ll get it.
If you’re enjoying Take Me To Church, please consider clicking and holding the Clap button to recommend the series. It really helps! Thank you ❤
