Take Me To Church, Ep 6: A Wing and a Prayer
Thank christ for that.
I do note their use of the word “hopeful” rather than, say, “confident” or “assured”, but it’s hard to blame them. My star player is still unhappy at being played out of position despite me only doing that for a single game, my previous description of Corderoy as a lamppost gets truer and truer with each passing day, and I really have no idea how to get the best out of all my players at the same time. That last one is pretty typical of my management style, in fairness. They should have known that when they hired me.
And about the whole uncertainty over tactics thing… look, just hear me out.
In my defence, it’s the FA Cup 2nd Qualifying Round, it doesn’t matter. We have no expectations in this competition, and also Stafford Rangers are a Conference North club, so this is an actual test of a system that’s worked really well against us this season, in a game that’s essentially a glorified friendly but with a competitive threat and challenge. It all makes sense, trust me. TRUST ME. I know it’s difficult.
Lads. It actually went really well.
Like everything I do, it’s not without its problems. Cabrera, a DL, absolutely refuses to get off a 3 as a DML even though, as we’ve seen before, he performs perfectly well in the position. Green actually is rubbish in AMC and deserves his 4, but the one I really can’t understand is Elcock. He’s marked down as a D/DMRL, so there’s no reason he can’t play as a right wing-back, but he too is cursed by the weird 4 match rating thing even though he makes two key passes, completes three dribbles, and almost scores right at the end as he breaks beyond the strikers to poke a Birchall cross wide. I hate that this happens, but over and over again, it does. I might have to go to a flat back five to prevent this from happening again.
Then again, despite all this negativity, we are utterly dominant in the game and I’m especially happy with how well three at the back and two holding central midfielders works. Stafford simply have no way through us or around us, and we look even better once I hook Green for Sarge, put him and Pegger as double DMCs, and leave Booth in the centre by himself to launch forward — and launch he does. Plus, to my amazement, Lee Sharpe comes on for Cabrera at LWB and plays out of his skin. Windross had already put us 1–0 up with a great finish from a deep Booth free kick right on half time, and after we create 14 more chances in the match — our profligacy does make me wince — the 15th bobbles to Sharpe who crashes home from close range to complete a really solid home win. 5–3–2 might just be the answer — but the new question is, who plays?
And our next game, which comes right on the heels of that one, is the third qualifying round for the FA Cup against Hendon, a team we drew 1–1 with in a pre-season friendly where I learned absolutely nothing. I’ve never known these games to get scheduled one after the other like this before, but never mind. More experimenting on the way!
First half, it’s complete one-way traffic. We are all over Hendon and they can do nothing about it. Once again our almost total inability to hit the target feels like it might cost us, but thankfully Windross has the stones to tuck one home just before the break to give us the slenderest of leads when we should be basking in the richness of a three- or four-nil advantage.
At half time I’m not really happy with Elcock yet again, so I decide — considering that we are cruising here — to go to a 4–3–3, with the same three in midfield, plus Sharpe and Lawless as AML and AMR supporting Windross. It is disastrous. Suddenly we never have the ball, Hendon are getting through us time and time again, Gaughan gets sent off for a second yellow, and their pressure eventually pays off with an 88th-minute equaliser, and that’s how it finishes. My. Goodness.
This game is SO finicky with what works and what doesn’t, it’s unbelievable. The 5–3–2 really seems to work but it means I have to leave out either Sharpe or Cabrera, plus Elcock appears to hate being a DMR even though it’s in his listed positions, so I don’t even know what to think any more. Three in the middle gives us tons of stability, three at the back appears to be pretty reliable as well. The big problem is, what do I do with everyone else?
Post-match, Sarge meets me in the Windmill. He’s unhappy that he’s not playing, and since I know he could kill me with a salt shaker, I don’t hesitate with my reply.
“Well, Sarge, I can’t blame you. You haven’t been playing, and even worse, I’ve been forcing you down the pub and out to restaurants with me so you can watch me sob into a lamb saag and drink myself into a coma over how little I still appear to know about football. You know what? Consider this your time to shine. I want you and Pegger to wreck some fools. It’s yet another of my cunning plans. I just don’t know how anything else is going to work.”
I’ve got to come up with something immediately though, because we’ve got to go to Hendon for the replay. I furrow my brow at the team sheet for several hours, and then it hits me: winger Lee Sharpe is doing great at left wing back, so maybe winger Danny Williams will do great at RIGHT wing back! Yes! I’ve solved it! I’m a genius! Now go out there and KILL THEM!
Hendon drag us into an all-out war at Claremont Road, and although we start better, once the hosts get into their groove, we’re very grateful to their strikers for firing high and wide almost every time they bear down on goal — which in the end is 16 times. However, from those chances, Corderoy only has to make two saves.
We only create half as many chances, but crucially, Andrew Windross manages to tuck one into the far corner, and that settles the final result — but it really doesn’t tell the story of this game. It’s like both managers have told their players to kill the other team, something I would never do, but the game finishes with 27 vicious fouls, 19 from us, and on looking at the stats I’m amazed that Sarge and Pegger only have three between them. Booth has five, and Windross — who’s sent off towards the end for a second booking — has four. However, it all pays off in the end, and I have to tip my cap to my goalkeeper and three centre-halves for chucking themselves in the way of absolutely everything Hendon had to throw at us — Frankie Simek takes Man of the Match, but in truth, it could have been any of them.
Oh, and you won’t be surprised to hear that The Danny Williams Experiment is an excellent band name but a total failure in this match, while Lee Sharpe continues to pick up 7s from what should be an unfamiliar position. It’s obvious now that there are certain positions that some players simply will not perform in, and finding out what they are is up to me. I wish I’d known I was going to have to take this kind of responsibility when I accepted the job.
Post-match, I celebrate by completing an outgoing deal for Lee Sims, our left-footed right-back who never played because… well, it’s pretty obvious why. Hitchin Town apparently have £18,000 they’re willing to part with for his services, which I’m delighted to accept since it’s almost the total amount of money I spent on this entire squad, and will put a few pennies back in my pocket for the January window. Goodbye, Lee. As the first player I’ve both signed and sold, you are a history-maker if nothing else. Sorry — that “if” was meant to be an “and”.
Recently-conquered Hendon then come in with £7k for Ronnie Green, which I hesitate to accept, but eventually do. I feel torn about Green. On the one hand, if I actually played him as the striker he appears to be, he might do well and score some goals — but the reason I signed him is exactly because, as an FRC, I thought he’d be versatile enough to play a few different roles throughout my different systems, and combined with the form of Adam Birchall, I just can’t find a slot for him in the striker position. Granted, we’re most likely going to lose Birchall in November unless I can agree a loan extension, but with my definitely-not-son joining on January 1st and my scouts constantly unearthing new talent that’s available for fractions of what they’re really worth, I feel like I could use that £7k more than I could use him. We’ll see how it goes.
And speaking of which… all this transfer activity gives me an idea. I’m pretty sure this game is set in the period of time where foreign-based players with Unprotected contracts can be sniped from other teams for free as long as they’re in a certain situation, usually related to their age, which means no compensation is due to the “selling” club. I filter my Interested list, not by value and transfer status as I’ve been doing… but by Contract Status: Unprotected.
Ohhhhh mama. There are gems. Most of them say that we “don’t have the resources to meet their demands”, but that really isn’t going to stop me. I offer them everything. Appearance fees, goal bonuses, yearly wage rises — the works. I’m excited. Some of these players, who’d mostly join at the end of January, are really very good.
…to name but a few. Again, getting work permits for them will be a laugh, but we’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.
With my cockles warmed at the prospect of shiny new signings, I prepare my players for the visit of Basingstoke Town. They’re mid-table, but we’re now ten points behind leaders Margate, although we have played a game less. Top five gets us into the playoffs, but we’re currently only in there on goal difference, and even though it’s early in the season I don’t want to see us losing to teams like this. They’ll leapfrog us if they win, whereas we’ll move up to fourth if we take the points. A draw is useless. We need to find our gear.
It’s all change up top as Windross is injured and Birchall really needs a rest, so I go with unproven Harrison and pretty much out-the-door Ronnie Green. Nothing has been decided yet, so I want to give him a chance to show me that he deserves to stay rather than be usurped by a swarthy 38-year-old Uruguayan. I also give Liam Leahy a go at right wing back, seeing as he can’t possibly be worse than anyone else I’ve played in there so far, and I also move to a flat midfield three rather than two DMCs; I like the solidity of three in midfield but we were so deep against Hendon that we basically invited them through our back door. With Sarge and Pegger engaging a bit higher up the pitch, that door should be firmly stuffed shut. I’m really sorry for the way I ended that sentence.
Harrison tries his luck on his left foot from 30 yards a minute into the game, so I immediately take his Long Shots instruction down to “rarely”. Can’t believe I didn’t notice that before. However, a few minutes later he gets on the end of a Lee Sharpe delivery to head powerfully at goal, but Scott Tarr in the visiting nets makes a great save low to his left.
We look good though, in truth, and I’m mainly relieved to see that nobody has immediately plummeted to a 3 rating for what might be the first time in six games. We get a corner in the 11th minute that’s headed clear, but only as far as Watt, who’s retreated to the edge of the area. He taps inside for Mark Booth, who lines up and curls a beauty of a shot into the far corner of Tarr’s goal, and just like that, it’s 1–0! A great finish from 20 yards! Lovely stuff from Booth. He really has been a great player for me so far; he doesn’t get the stats he deserves — he’d have about ten assists if my strikers could hit the target — but he’s a real engine room in the middle. I might love him.
We lose Pegger to injury on 35, Cooke replacing him like-for-like since he does enjoy a tackle despite being an AMRLC, and that takes us through to half time 1–0 up and looking… okay, but not perfect.
The Stoke get a handle on the game as we start the second half, so I put Watt and Gaughan on man-marking duties to hopefully take out their strikers, while leaving Simek zonal so he can, fingers crossed, sweep up any loose balls or double up when needed.
It mostly works, and on 53 minutes, my defenders get their just rewards. After blocking and hacking and mopping up another ‘Stoke attack, Sharpe flicks a ball over the top for none other than Sarge to run onto, he lays off for Booth, but gets it back — and curls an absolutely sumptuous shot into the far corner of Tarr’s goal, it’s 2–0, Sarge’s first goal for Hornchurch, and I’m really glad he threatened to kick my teeth in if he didn’t get more game time. What a brilliant decision by everyone involved.
And it only gets better — on the hour mark a long ball from Cooke is taken down by Green, he annihilates his marker and crosses perfectly for Harrison to thunder home his first goal for the mighty Urchins! That’s how it ends, and it’s a great result. Green has actually looked really dangerous in this game. I’m going to need to give him more time.
He actually agrees terms with Hendon but I delay the transfer so I can give him a further bash in our next game, away to Lewes. I realise I’m dropping top scorer Birchall in the process, but it was fine last time — and I do have slightly more loyalty to my permanent players over loanees. Slightly.
Windross returns in place of Harrison, a bit harsh but let’s face it, he’s better — while Cooke replaces Pegger, who’s out for a fortnight with a bad hammy. I’m very curious as to whether we can push on from here, or if our textbook inconsistency will rear its ugly, ugly face…
We’re ahead inside two and a half minutes. A great, crunching tackle from Sarge in midfield releases Cooke, he’s challenged, but the ball drops to Booth, who surges through the Lewes defence and lays the ball on a plate for Green — he shoots, it’s saved, but the rebound is a gift for Windross, who taps home his seventh goal of a really good opening ten games.
We’re definitely the better side throughout the first half and are unlucky not to add to our tally, especially with a huge chance for Cooke and then Green, both of whom should score, but home keeper James Hasell makes a world-class double save to keep us with just a one-goal advantage at the break. The stats are in our favour, though: nine chances, five on target, Lewes have only had one half-chance that was straight at Corderoy, my defence look solid and we’re breaking really well through midfield. I’m enjoying this 3–5–2 very much.
It continues into the second half. Lewes make a few more chances but they’re mostly down to our own mistakes, which pretty much have to be accepted since most of my players wouldn’t look out of place in a pub team. However, despite this, we somehow look really dangerous coming forward. In the critical central areas of the pitch we always have a man over, as a result the loose ball always seems to bobble our way, and then with Green and Windross both standing on the shoulders of the centre-halves, one ball forward slices Lewes open — and with onrushing wing backs and midfielders, we look the most likely to make something happen.
On 70 minutes, it does. Exactly what I described above comes to pass, Windross is clear, but Marc Cable hauls him down — red card Cable, Lewes down to ten, Lee Sharpe puts the free kick over the top of the stand and into the River Ingrebourne, but it doesn’t matter. Only further heroics from Hasell prevents one of Green, Windross or Simek from extending our lead, and after surviving a few minor scrapes, we eventually run out deserved winners.
And, at ten games played, your mighty Urchins are fourth with 21 points. Only one defeat so far, a decent goal difference, but still seven points behind leaders Margate — there’s lots of urgent work to do.
I’m off to the pub.
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