Take Me To Church, Ep 2: Rebirth
Central midfielder Shaun Carey, one of the players who was here when I arrived and a guy that, with hindsight, I could really have done with keeping, is off to Bohemians on a free transfer. To say I’m regretting taking on this challenge is the understatement of the century.
I do, however, have some bright spots in my life. There’s a slew of very, very average young Premier League wannabes just waiting for me to hit Confirm on their season-long loans, and in even better news, our left flank just got downright sexy.
He was David Beckham before even David Beckham was David Beckham, and that’s saying… something. Lock up your corner flags, it’s Lee Sharpe!
From that video, it seems that if I can somehow also sign Brian McClair, we’re laughing. I wonder what he’s up to these days… oh, he’s a world-class coach at Manchester United. Nobody say anything.
Patrick Mboma selfishly goes to Montpellier in the latest dagger to my heart, I count 131 of those so far; it’s a miracle I’m still alive. However, we don’t even need Patrick Mboma, because I’ve just signed someone even better. That’s right. Stop smirking.
Yes, if my calculations and time spent on CM03/04 are correct, Andrew Windross could turn out to be a not-so-secret weapon. You see, in that game, the match engine seriously values Heading — in fact, if you surround a few good forward headerers with a load of pacy wingers and AMCs, you can absolutely clean up. And if there’s one thing Andrew Windross is good at — and there is really only one thing — it’s winning headers. Champions League, here we come.
A few more of my old players also wave goodbye as they tearfully make for the exit door; I stand emotionless in a nearby window having never learned their names. I do, however, check the finances to see that my available wage budget is up to a healthy £2.1k per week, so as they glance back, snot everywhere, I do give them the old raised-eyebrows half-smile. It’s literally the least I can do.
Lee Sims and Charlie Sheringham then arrive on free transfers, both of whom are interesting signings for different reasons. Sheringham because I want to ask him if his dad fancies a game, and Sims because he’s a D/DMR who’s entirely left-footed, something I didn’t realise before I clicked Confirm on his transfer. More excellent business from me there. Inverted wing-backs in the Conference South? I’ve made, and will continue to make, worse decisions than that.
And not long after, I’m welcoming two more new faces to The Stadium. For starters, Arsenal youngster Frankie Simek is here, the first loanee I’ve accepted without delay because a) I’ve heard of him, and b) he’s actually competent compared to some of the others that are waiting to hear from me. And secondly, I take another punt, this time on a young man by the name of Simon Lyons. Remember what I said earlier about Andrew Windross being incredibly one-dimensional, but that one dimension alone might be enough for success? Simon Lyons is sitting at roughly 0.8 dimensions.
Christ, he’s so bad at corners he hasn’t even got an attribute for it. Same for… Natural Fitness?! Have we bought a corpse. Mick, Jorge, be honest with me here: did we sign this lad on a free transfer from a morgue? With Pace and Acceleration like that I really hope not, although bringing about the fast-zombie apocalypse would give me reasonable grounds for finishing this challenge early.
We then have a pre-season friendly with Droylsden, which I let my assistants argue over who’s taking control of since I don’t technically have a full squad of players, and blow me down if we don’t draw 2–2. Okay, not huge news in itself, but get this: Simon Lyons got a stunning assist for the first by tearing down the right flank and crossing perfectly for Peglis to head home, and then Chris Kiwomya — the man who’s on trial with us and will hopefully never be more than that — takes down a long ball and positively tears the net apart with an equaliser nine minutes from the end. Well I never.
Fulham right winger Alex Lawless is so impressed, I assume, that he quickly accepts my loan offer and I bring him in — we’ve been needing an out-and-out right sided crosser and deputy striker, and now we’ve got one. He’s not very fast, but then neither am I, so who am I to criticise. Welcome aboard, lad.
And the hits keep on coming — my midfield is suddenly looking very rosy with the addition of Aston Villa all-rounder Stephen Cooke! I’m starting to wonder what I was worried about. These aren’t tears of sadness, they’re tears of joy!
And to “complete” my “midfield”, following his excellence on trial in the destroyer role against Droylsden, I’ve also agreed a one-year deal with Nigel “Sergeant” Pepper, who is actually deceptively good. Still fairly mobile for a 36-year-old DMC, he can also take a free kick, a pen, and has a penchant for both career-ending tackles and 30-yard rakers into the top bins when he gets bored. With Sarge patrolling in front of my (probably) young defence, we have nothing new to fear. There is still, of course, plenty to fear. Just nothing new.
I cast my net far and wide in the hopes of finding further talent to add to my list of… let’s call them “existing talent”. The main thing I’m missing is a goalkeeper, and while I’ve resisted the urge to bring in 45-year-old Neville Southall, the lack of anyone with gloves around the place is leaving me a little short.
After considering a loan bid for Jonjo Dickman but deciding that certain surnames are too spicy for Hornchurch, I receive news that a permanent transfer for a Scottish right-winger is ready to go! CONFIRMED! Welcome to Hornchurch, Steven Bonar! Oh… well. Never mind.
He still looks good, and he’s joined by compatriot Kevin Gaughan, whose name I’m delighted I only have to type. He’s very brave and determined, and I have a feeling might snap a couple of the Conference South’s flimsier centre-forwards before the season is over.
Before we know it, former Scotland U21 defender Paul Browne is also heading to East London to pretty much complete my back four!
Still without a goalkeeper, we’ve got a friendly coming up against Hendon — so I decide to give my assistants the day off, draft in a couple of ghost-keepers from my under-18s, and see how many goals I can get my new charges to score.
Oh, and for anyone who was wondering — I’m starting with a good old 4–4–2 and seeing how badly wrong it goes.
Ahhhh, I’ve missed this.
The game ends 1–1 thanks to two completely accidental goals, but there are heartening displays from my centre-halves; Lee Sharpe, who takes the mick down our left hand side; and Andrew Windross, who’s a complete handful and gets on the end of everything that enters Hendon airspace. He’s unlucky not to score — the best Hendon players are their two goalkeepers, the first of whom gets an 8 and the second a 9 for keeping us at bay. Our goal is scored by trialist left-back-I-only-signed-as-a-joke Clovis Konsodiani-Kanda. He is rubbish, he’s our saviour, and to be honest, he’s currently the only left-back I’ve got. Oh dear god, I’m going to offer him a contract aren’t I.
Maybe I will, but in the meantime, I have signed someone else who can play left-back. Barely, granted, but technically? Yes. Thanks for making the trip over, Liam.
I also add another striker to the squad permanently, as trialist Ross Harrison becomes a fully-signed up member of the Urchins…
…and young Chelsea left wing-back Sam Tillen arrives on a season-long loan deal to finally shore up that part of the pitch. Again, when I say “shore up” I realise he is desperately average, but that works out pretty well, because I’m desperate.
Another friendly comes and goes, this time against Stalybridge Celtic from the Conference North. We look pretty good in the first half with my preferred team, Windross putting us a goal up with a header from Lee Sharpe’s corner, but after I make my changes at the break we fall apart before Windross gets a second, and we go down 3–2 in the end. There are encouraging signs overall, and I’m obviously still trying to find the shoots of promise amongst the fields of manure I’ve spread for myself, but it’s not all bad. We have scored goals.
In truth, the result is not helped by my lack of a real goalkeeper who might be inclined to make the odd save, but that is quickly resolved at full-time as news immediately comes in that stylish young stopper Scott Corderoy has arrived. His Mental attributes suggest he’s only ever moments from a breakdown, but aren’t we all?
And I’m grateful to say he’s followed through the door by Andrew Neill, no not that one, a £1k signing from Portadown. Again, he’s not exactly a world-beater, but we do now have two real goalkeepers, so that’s something. Isn’t it? God, I hope it is.
Another Scot joins him, this time to give me a bit more cover in central midfield. I have to say, Sgt. Pepper has been really impressing me in our pre-season friendlies, but that does leave a gap for someone to drive forward towards our front two. I’d been hoping that all-rounder Giorgos Peglis would fill that gap, but he’s been unconvincing in a role I’ve told him to play despite him not really knowing how, so in comes Mark Booth to provide competition.
And Boothy gets his first run out in the second half of our next friendly, a pre-arranged mini-tour of Wales that starts with Afan Lido. The truth of this game is that Afan are unbelievably wasteful with the many, many, many chances they create, plus when they do find the target, Corderoy is in great form to turn most of them away. We, on the other hand, are anything but wasteful — I tinker and tweak my tactics according to what I’m seeing on the pitch, and despite being largely outplayed we are 2–0 up at the break.
There are impressive first-half performances from some of my trialists, including striker Ronnie Green who I’ll try to get on a permanent deal following this match. Lido do pull one goal back through a classic defensive balls-up, you know the one: GK long kick gets headed straight back, flick on, goal — but at the end of the day, we’ve won our first pre-season game and I think I’m starting to understand how we should play.
Work permit decisions are appealed for all my South Americans, but as you can probably tell, I’m planning for life without them as there’s virtually no chance they’ll get the big green stamp. We will, however, get final decisions on all of them the day before the first game of the season, so who knows? It could be a fiesta in *checks notes* Weston-super-Mare!
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