Take Me To Church, Ep 15: The Turn
It’s new contract season at Hornchurch, and the mood is tense. As you’d expect, the players whose deals I try to extend want pay rises, and while I reckon I can get Tolley to agree to just a £125 per week uptick from his current £625 p/w wage, Sarge wants his wages doubled, and that presents me with a conundrum.
Here are the facts. He’s 36, and on a 7.16 for the season. He’s Brave, Aggressive and Influential. I’ve got another, younger DMC arriving in the summer. Pegger has been out-performing him this season, especially recently. He might break my fingers if I don’t give him what he wants. All things that need to be carefully considered before I commit to a deal or not. In the end, after much deliberation and having made a mental note of all the exit routes from this building, I go back to Sarge with a slightly lower offer than he wants, but still a significant improvement on his current deal. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m kinda trying to put a dam over the waterfall of outgoing money, not poke holes in the flimsy one that’s already there.
An easier decision is with Scott Corderoy, the child in whom I have placed so much trust despite his flappy wrists and blind spot that covers the entirety of whichever side his near post is on. He outright refuses to discuss a new contract with me, which actually annoys me to the point that I almost drop him from the squad entirely before realising that, in fact, my other keeper — Andrew Neill — has a good number for Kicking (14) and that’s about it. You can stay until the end of the season, young man, but after that, it’ll be the farm for you.
While my offers to Tolley and Sarge marinate, along with a very hopeful loan bid for Villa reserve stopper Wayne Henderson, we really should get on the road towards Newport, where Newport County hopefully await us at Newport Stadium in what will be a clash of the two least imaginative marketing departments in all of lower-league football.
I’m unfortunately forced to play Corderoy in goal again but there are some changes. Tillen in for Cabrera, who’s tired, while Nix, Tolley and Pegger are restored to the centre of midfield to hopefully continue their recent collective merriment against a side who’ve only conceded 30 goals in their 32 games this season — very stingy, despite being 7th in the table. They do, after all, have legendary GK Roger Freestone in nets, so it’s no real surprise. Hopefully we can do the business where others have clearly failed.
Corderoy completely saves our bacon in the first action of the game. A deep cross floats to the far post where Lee Phillips crashes a volley goalwards, it deflects off Gaughan and I’m already raising my palms towards my face, but Corderoy seems to change direction in mid-air to push the ball away, and N’Timbanzeh completes the clearance. Spectacular save. I’ve always rated the lad.
Honestly, Newport are playing really well in the opening stages. Our midfield, talked up so much by some idiot before the game, can’t put their stamp on proceedings and Bradley Orr, on loan from Bristol City, is running the show for the hosts. He is class, in fairness, but it’s also he who loses the ball to Shane Tolley as he prepares to launch yet another County attack. Young Shane gets it under control, looks up, and lifts a pass into the channel for Jorge Cadete, who — still with plenty to do — beats full-back Darren Jones and angles a tight shot through Freestone and into the Newport goal for 1–0 to the mighty Urchins!
It’s definitely against the run of play at the moment it hits the net, but thereafter, we claim the ascendency. A jinking Nix run — is there any other kind? — results in a blockbuster that Freestone tips over the bar, and although Newport do claim a corner, it’s pumped away by Luis Manuel, and suddenly, the counter is on. Technically Newport have the advantage 3v2, but they have made one crucial error: all three of them are marking Jaroslav Timko, who flicks a simple ball on for Jorge Cadete to race clear and slam past a helpless Freestone for 2–0 with 25 minutes on the board!
Timko then cracks a Tolley through-ball back off the crossbar, and as we approach the break, it’s all us. Unfortunately, “break” is then what Gaughan tries to do to Carl Wilson-Denis’s leg inside our penalty box with 15 seconds until the half-time whistle. The referee instead blows for a spot kick, Cords can do nothing about it, and for really no reason, we’ve let our opponents back into this game, 2–1 at the restart.
Cadete is straight back at it as we return for the second period, but for the first time today, Freestone gets the better of him, saving well from close range. We then have a couple of efforts scuffed off-target from Timko, Cadete and Tolley, before Freestone pulls out a world-class double save to deny first Tolley, racing through the away defence, and then Cadete on the rebound. We started a bit poorly here and we’re still looking slightly shaky at times, but overall, we are definitely on top in this game.
Pegger and Nix haven’t quite been the driving force I needed them to be today, so I hook them for Sarge and Taira on 70 mins. The impact is almost immediate. Taira is winning headers, breaking up play, and in the 80th minute, slides Timko through to really take his time before finally slotting our third past Freestone and into the far corner. Sarge, on the other hand, looks a bit ragged for the first time since I signed him. He’s industrious, but not really winning anything, and in fact then loses a ball in midfield that Newport push forward first time to striker John Phillips, who lashes a drive past Corderoy to bring the score back to 3–2 with four minutes to go.
I could really do with one of Sooz’s slowly-becoming-famous pies in my technical area as I’ve bitten my nails down to the knuckle, especially when Cadete hits the post from a great position rather than score, and Newport launch the ball back towards our box. Thankfully, though, Taira has been a massive introduction for us, and he relieves the danger, actually putting Cadete back through on goal only for Freestone to stand in the way once again. He then collects a brilliant Luis Manuel defensive header and fizzes a pass through the lines for Timko, who runs onto it and wallops past Freestone for what is, finally, the last goal of a very up-and-down game. What a cameo from the Portuguese.
The moment the game is over, Sarge signs the reduced contract I offered him, gives me a swift salute, and disappears towards the back of the Lime Avenger. Was that… contrition? From Sarge?! Either way, we’ve got him until the end of next season… possibly as cover, or to be retrained as my future assistant manager. I feel slightly more secure to have him, even despite that rather worrying 5.
Shane Tolley, good boy that he is, also signs his extension, and with that, the two players I really wanted to keep are secured for another year. Considering Timko’s sudden inability to settle, I also move to offer Vareille further terms, but he wants his wages doubled — and the board restrict me to only offering him a 50% uplift, which he naturally rejects. Lee Paul, apple of someone’s eye, sees that I’m offering all my strikers contracts before him, so when I move to embrace him in the warmth of an extra year at Hornchurch he tells me he’s not interested in discussing renewed terms. Well then. New strikers in the summer it is.
We arrive back at The Stadium with morale a little dented in the forward department, but nevertheless ready to greet our opponents in the next round of the FA Trophy, Weston-super-Mare. They were our first ever game in the Conference South, a 1–1 draw that we were actually quite lucky to come away with a point from, but since that day, each team has very much gone their own way. We’ve headed to the summit of the division, whereas our opponents are languishing in 18th, just above the relegation zone — although due to the ineptitude of Carshalton, Bishop’s Stortford and Eastbourne Boro, they’re not in much danger of actually going down. They should hopefully be a great foil for us to progress into the last eight of this competition.
Pastuszka still isn’t fit so Elcock will continue to expand down the right flank, Taira and Booth come into midfield, and Jorge explains to Cabrera that he’s in at left-back. I feel bad leaving young Tolley on the bench, but with all my reserve strikers not happy at me for either lowballing or no-balling them with my “improved” contract offers, I might need him to come on if one of my front men goes down. We should have enough to smash WSM either way… right?
We score with our first real attack of the afternoon. Timko spins away down the right in the 15th minute from a Booth pass, gets to the byline, and cuts the ball back for an onrushing Pegger to… pass gently to Mark Booth rather than shoot, but no matter, because Boothy spins and launches the ball into the roof of the net from the penalty spot, and that’s 1–0 to the good guys! Nice and easy.
Straight from kick off, WSM hit a rangy shot from outside the box that takes a huge deflection on its way to Cords. Through my fingers, I see our young keeper somehow, again, change direction in mid-air to palm the ball away, but only as far as striker Derek Colquhoun. I fear the worst as he turns, Corderoy comes out… but he doesn’t shoot. He seems stuck in two minds. Cords has done a great job here, and Cabrera makes up the ground, coming back to help his goalkeeper… by hoofing Colquhoun to the floor and conceding a penalty. Out of nothing. Why does this happen.
Naturally Lewis Hoog tucks it away and we’re all square, and in truth, Cabrera is very lucky to escape a second booking.
Cadete then shoots wide 1v1 before Ryan Northmore makes two point-blank saves for the visitors to keep them in the game, and that, frustratingly, is half time. As you’d imagine the penalty is their only shot on target, and I’m not only drinking to that, I’m downing several bottles of kombucha as the players enter the dressing room. That’s got booze in it, hasn’t it?
I burp my team-talk at the players, which amounts to “stop being such donkeys and score some goals”, but am very frustrated to then watch the players fart around doing nothing of note until the 80th minute. Thank goodness we’ve got Jorge Cadete, who, at that moment, takes down an Elcock centre and half-volleys a strike past Northmore and in at his near post to restore our lead — then turns provider, as he takes another Elcock pass to the byline and crosses low through the centre, where Taira is arriving completely untracked, and he tucks past Northmore from four yards to make the game safe at 3–1. Amazingly, that’s Taira’s first goal for us; I could have sworn he was on four or five by now.
Far from a vintage performance from your mighty Urchins, but a win is a win, and like starving magician’s rabbits, we’ll be shoved into the hat for the quarter finals of the FA Trophy.
I take our £6,000 prize money cheque knowing that it’ll be immediately eaten by the hungry, ungrateful wolves that make up my surplus players, but in better news, the quarter final draw is made almost straight away:
Yes we’re away, and yes they have beaten us recently, but Basingstoke are another great draw for us in the next round. Any other team would have been an unknown quantity in one way or another, whereas we know we can beat this lot; even in the last match that they won, we were significantly better than them. This feels good. A proper cup run! Although even if we win the whole thing I’ve still got a bad feeling about what our bank balance will look like afterwards.
Jaroslav Timko immediately brings me crashing back down to earth by missing training, for which I give him a warning. Why, Jaro? When we were just starting to idolise you for your cheeky lobs and remarkable turn of pace considering how average your attributes are, you put dagger after dagger into our loyal hearts. It leaves me with a problem; I want to play him. He’s a great striker. He didn’t score last time, but he’s always involved in attacks and looks like he could break anyone’s ballbag at pretty much any moment. I’m not sure I can let this sort of indiscipline slide, though. Love him as I do, I’m going to have to make an example of him for our next game at home to Thurrock — for which we also have a new toy!
Jamie Attwell came up through the youth ranks at Spurs and was hanging around the bins behind a local Tesco on a free transfer, so with decent goalkeeping attributes and a willingness to take pretty much anything as wages, I’ve snapped him up as further cover. He’ll make the bench for our next game as, even having not put on a pair of football boots for a year, he’s a better hand than Andrew Neill.
Elsewhere, I let Elcock out again because he was involved in our second and third goals last time, which I appreciate, plus I’m trying a midfield of Pegger, Taira and Nix in this one so that I can play Tolley up front with Cadete. It makes sense, apart from leaving Booth out, which I regret… but I do just really love the cut of Kyle Nix’s jib.
Nix is brilliant in midfield and makes our opening two goals. For the first he gets stuck deep, almost in the left-back position, but dribbles his way clear, finds Cadete down the line, and my love affair with the Portuguese continues unabated as he tucks into the bottom corner for 1–0 to the mighty Urchins.
The second comes on the hour mark. Nix collects a ball just outside the Thurrock box, and faced down by three defenders, he just waltzes right through the middle of them all, bears down on goal, and shoots across the keeper — it’s saved, but Taira pops up in the middle to stab home his second tap-in in as many games, and we’re well on top of this game. It’s another less-than-blockbuster performance, but again, we are winning. That’s the thing that’ll keep me in a job, so I’ll take it.
I bring on Sarge for Pegger to give him a chance to make up for his last dreadful cameo, and what does he do? Instantly give a penalty away, which Thurrock convert. What has happened to Sarge? He seems to have really lost it since he missed those few games a month or so ago. Pegger, on the other hand, has stepped into the DMC role magnificently, and although Nix gets two assists and should obviously be man of the match, I get a feeling the fans award it to our Greek destroyer just to rub it in. 2–1 the final score.
We remain seven points ahead of Grays with eight to play, but I know you’re all desperate to return to contracting news, so here’s the latest…
Pegger is on £600 a week, and I fear doubling it — but no no, he wants it quadrupled to £2,400 per week, which is twice what I’m able to offer to anyone. It’s a ridiculous demand. I offer him what I can, but pretty much certain it’s not going to be enough, I slump into my seat at the Windmill and wave to Sooz to bring me another couple of pints. Is this the price of reaching the dizzy heights of first in the Conference South, and the quarters of the FA Trophy? Your players get so big for their boots that they’d rather self-destruct than see it all through? I guess, yes, that’s exactly what football is, isn’t it. If only I was a better manager, I might be able to, yknow, manage all this.
We’ve got to go to Weymouth almost immediately for another league game, and I’m completely stuck for what to do. The M3 is a pretty long road, though, and it gives me some time to reflect. It’s amazing how things go from trouble-free to turbulent in such a short space of time, isn’t it? I consult Jorge on what he thinks I should do, which results him missing his junction and almost sideswiping an old lady in a Mini trying to rectify it, but still, his advice is solid: play your best team, worry about the rest later. And you know what? He’s absolutely right.
Tolley didn’t do anything up front in our last game, so I’ll start Timko even though I’m hesitant to. He’s at least staying beyond the end of the season, if I’ve got anything to say about it. Pegger’s contract is still awaiting a yes or no, so rather than punish him for simply asking for a pay rise, I leave him in — although if he rejects and becomes unhappy, I’m faced with having a difficult chat with Sarge over his recent form before restoring him to the team for probably the rest of the season. Down and give me 20, recruit. You’re not finished here just yet.
For all my pre-match worries, I probably should have paid more attention to the fact that I still have Kyle Nix, because with him in the team it really feels like anything is possible. After a quiet couple of games last month, he is flying now he’s been restored to the team, and he creates yet another fabulous goal for us in just the sixth minute. Picking up the ball in the centre circle, he drives past the home midfield and, as the defenders panic and rush out to close him down, he lifts a ball through for Jaroslav Timko, and our mercurial wantaway striker still has enough of a smile on his face to lift the ball over the onrushing Chris Jones and see it nestle gorgeously into the back of his net. That’s Timko’s seventh goal for the mighty Urchins, and three of them have been deft, sexual lobs. I really, really need him to find a way to be happy here.
That turns out to be the only shot on target of the half for either team, although the rest of the highlights are all pretty much the same: Luis Manuel wins a header, Kyle Nix gets the loose ball, beats a couple of Weymouth players and creates a chance that someone launches over the bar. It happens four times before the 45 is over, and were it not for the return of our trademark profligacy, we could already be out of sight in this game. Frustrating, too, because home stopper Chris Jones is only on a five, so if we can get some more shots on his target, we might actually score.
Cadete gets one on target within seconds of the restart, but Jones belies his match rating to push it spectacularly over the bar. The rest of the half, it has to be said, is then the same as the first — we get chance after chance, but can’t put them on target, although Weymouth are offering nothing in the other direction at all. The game ticks onwards, they finally start to show a bit of ambition so I bring on Sarge for the tiring Nix in the last minute to give us a bit more grit in there, or just anything even resembling grit, pebbles are fine — but in the 93rd minute they get a 25-yard free kick, it’s hit, it’s going into the stands, but it then takes an enormous deflection off the wall, and of course, with their only shot “on target” in the game, Weymouth equalise and we’re forced to eat a 1–1 draw.
Cadete is out for a week with a stubbed toe and Gaughan is so exhausted that my physios note he needs an extended rest, but in the only good news to come out of this rubbish, Grays can also only draw away at Dorchester, so our seven point lead at the top is maintained with just seven games left to play. We’re hobbling and we’re moaning, but even still, we’re almost at the finish line. I can’t wait to get back to The Windmill. I need a nice, calming tequila bomb to prepare me for the rest of this run-in.
Make that two tequila bombs!
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