Take Me To Church, Ep 13: To Infinity
You may have noticed that it’s January, and as such, I’m even more active than usual in the transfer market. Those of you that remember back this far will know that in the year of our lord 2005, footballers’ contracts regularly become “unprotected”, which means… actually I don’t really know what it means, other than that I can swoop in and sign them without needing to negotiate a fee with their clubs first. I think it’s once a contract is a few years old, it needs to be renewed in order for it to not go stale? Like every baguette I’ve ever bought? I don’t know. How can you possibly expect me to know.
Anyway, in most cases you end up having to pay a compensation fee to the unfortunate club from whom you are shearing away their brightest young stars. However, when you’ve got two thumbs and love a 41-year-old Paraguayan goalkeeper like this guy, those compensation fees are often either zero, or very close to zero. Combine that with some “actual” bids for players of around £1–2k apiece, spread over 24 months, and suddenly, the transfer market opens up to me. It’s amazing what can happen when I don’t insist that every incoming player has at least 50 international caps.
As a result, I have some very cool and exciting transfer news. I’ve been negotiating with no less than 87 different players in the background over the course of January so far, most of whom are aforementioned maverick South Americans with virtually no hope of being allowed to enter the country, either due to their lack of eligibility for a work permit or, in some cases, their criminal records. However. Some of them are not South American. Some of them are from a little closer to home.
Yes, in a career that started the year I was born and featured an 11-year stint in La Liga at Oviedo, followed by stays at Salamanca, Toledo, Ponferradina and Águilas — with four Spain caps acquired along the way — Luis Manuel, an actual defender, has arrived in East London until the end of next season. I feel safer now, not just because of his strong grip and pleasing musk, but because at least one of my back five can now actually tackle. Ignore that 12 for Tackling, it’s not important. His Anticipation will carry us to glory.
And then, like a pair of continental European buses — my god, do I wish we had one of those — a further strapping young man reverberates his way into the dressing room.
That’s right. I know it’s hard to believe your eyes, but yes: I have signed not one, but two actually quite good looking central defenders. Harry N’Timbanzeh, on the face of it, doesn’t have too many properly stand-out attributes, but when you compare him to any of my current crop, he’s superior in virtually every department. If I can see ten numbers in double figures you’re a candidate to play for me, and if you’re a defender with tens or more for Tackling, Marking, Positioning, Strength, Heading, Jumping, Pace, Bravery and Aggression, then you just have to tell me what you want and I shall hand it to you in a greasy envelope that may or may not have been fish and chip paper at some point, I don’t know anything about that.
See? I’m not pointlessly signing expensive journeyman strikers I don’t need just because I’m seduced by their famous names. I honestly can’t believe you’d all still accuse me of something like that. I’ve changed.
Did I almost have you there? Just a little? No? I’m not surprised. Of course I haven’t changed, and of course I signed Jorge Cadete the moment he became available to me. He’s actually still pretty decent, and although I know it appears ridiculous, consider this: we now have a second target man. Windross is limited, bless him, but my goodness he’s stepped up as the only great big bastard we’ve got to shove up there next to all our little nippy bastards. Cadete can not only be a like for like replacement for Windy, but maybe even teach him a thing or two. 18 for Heading? 16 for Bravery, Balance, and Natural Fitness, with 14 for Jumping and Strength as well? And 33 Portugal caps tucked into his hand luggage, all for the princely sum of just £1,000? You better believe I won’t be attending the finance team’s quarterly meeting.
Sooz chucks together a WELCOME TO HORNCHURCH party for all the new lads, so I gather the current crop at the bar and let our fresh faces tell their stories, from La Liga to Ligue Un, and for Cadete, legendary spells at both Sporting CP and Celtic. I know it was ten years ago, but if we can get even 10% of this Jorge Cadete, we are going up.
There’s not much that could shake me from the cloud I’m floating on as I watch Windross, Paul and Tolley devour Cadete’s every word, but there is one thing. It’s Dorchester Town manager Mark Morris, who’s on the TV behind me loudly and decisively announcing that his fourth-placed Magpies are going to beat us in our upcoming fixture later this afternoon. My anger slowly seething, I turn, reach up, and click the television off. The room falls silent as the players turn to face me.
“Okay, lads. Story time’s over. It’s time to get Horny.”
Mick erupts in laughter and applause. He’s the only one, so I bask in it a little before striding out of the bar and over Upminster Road. As the players slowly file into the stadium, a smirk crosses my lips. Little does Mark Morris know that he’s just confirmed my starting lineup for today. I guess that might have been his evil plan all along, but I have a feeling that, by the end of the afternoon, he’s going to realise just how hard it has backfired.
We’ve lost Sarge to injury for a couple of weeks and we’re still without Booth, so Pegger retains his place as our tackling midfielder, but never mind all that. Just look at the rest of my team. Regard the quality. Sagely nod at the experience. Just try to count all the international caps — you can’t, it’s impossible, there are too many. Good luck, Dorchester.
Taira has the ball in the net in the second minute with a close-range header from Howell’s cross, but it’s ruled out for a foul on the defender. Howell then has a header of his own disallowed for another foul at a corner, but the tone is set: a world of pain lies ahead for the Magpies, and the ball flying into the back of their net is something they’d better get used to.
They do, somehow, survive until half time. It’s almost entirely thanks to the efforts of their goalkeeper Craig Bradshaw, who makes frankly gravity-defying saves from Timko and Cadete, and gets a flying fingertip to a Pegger blockbuster that seemed destined for the top corner. However, while it might be 0–0 at the break, we’ve had nine great chances and put five on target. Dorchester, on the other hand, haven’t even seen our half of the field.
The second half begins the same as the first. A great spin wide from Cadete results in a cross that Pegger heads goalwards, it’s saved by Bradshaw, but it’s loose — Howell collects, turns, and is felled by Justin Keeler! It’s inside the box! PENALTY HORNCHURCH!
You’ll be stunned to hear that I still haven’t set my penalty takers since signing all my new boys, so by default, Pegger puts the ball down on the spot, adjusts his shinpads, and charges towards the ball…
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL HORNCHURCH! We’ve finally got the goal our play has deserved, and speaking of deserved, Pegger’s probably the least surprising name to find on the scoresheet, based on how our attacks have panned out so far today. He’s been everywhere.
With the lead ours, we don’t look back. Wave after wave of red swarms toward the visiting penalty area, and 20 minutes after we take the lead, it’s doubled, in the best possible fashion. Pegger, again, is involved, winning a crucial challenge in midfield to set Howell away. He plays a ball into the feet of Jorge Cadete, who rides a tackle from Harris and skips through on goal! Cadete is 1v1 with Bradshaw! CADEEETTTEEEEE
The Stadium is nought but limbs. At full-time, I take Mark Morris a gift to accompany my handshake — it’s a slice of home-made pie that Sooz baked and brought to me in the dugout while the game was going on. I don’t know what’s in it, but I assume a warm helping of humble.
Jorge Cadete actually celebrates with me at full time. Me! I’m seriously enamoured with the man. He’s just full of energy and teeth and I couldn’t love him more. And in the aftermath of this tremendous performance and result, there is more good transfer news. They’re not arriving until the summer, but don’t look now, finance team: three more massive lads are inbound!
Pretty good little haul, I’d say. A real goalkeeper to put in between the sticks rather than a boyish lamppost with a shirt loosely draped over it, a new DMC who isn’t totally past it and can provide great cover for Sarge and Pegger when one of them is inevitably suspended, and a 57-cap Cypriot right-back to replace Elcock when we let him shrivel into retirement at the end of the campaign.
I pass the profiles of our new players around the van as we bump and grind our way towards Hayes, who will provide our next challenge in the league. 21st in the Conference South, I have little to fear from them, especially in the wake of the devastation of Dorchester Town. Kevin Gaughan is suspended after collecting what is amazingly only his fifth yellow card of the season, and is replaced by Simek. Simeon Howell, despite MOTMing in our last outing, is pretty tired, so given our overall strength combined with my desperation for him to do well, I restore Shane Tolley to the side to see if he can find a happy place in my midfield three. The striker slots are pretty sewn up now, after all.
Only a miracle of a performance from Hayes stopper Barry Roche prevents a riot at Church Road, where we feel unsurprisingly at home. He’s already saved from both Cadete and Timko before the latter does brilliantly to press the home defence, winning the ball back high up the pitch, before wobbling past a second hapless centre-half and lashing home for 1–0 in the 24th minute.
We push and push for a second, but wouldn’t you just know it, Hayes manage to equalise with a header from a corner. It’s their first shot on target, drink, and at the break we’re forced back into the dressing room at 1–1. It’s a genuine masterclass of exactly what you expect to happen in these situations.
However, after that, not since the Alamo has a siege been so one-sided. This one had a rather different result than that one did, though— Shane Tolley, who doesn’t even know what I’m talking about, stabs us back into the lead just over the hour mark, and with Timko tiring slightly, I replace him with Vareille, who wraps up the points with a lashed right-footed finish in the last minute.
It’s the least we deserve. We absolutely batter Hayes, and by far the most pleasing part of it is that we put more than three-quarters of our chances on target. Remember a few weeks ago when three-quarters of our shots ended up getting taken home by spectators in row Z? Yeah. These are stratospheric strides in the right direction.
All that leaves us eight points clear at the top of the table, thanks to some favourable scorelines in other games. I think we might have fully broken Margate, who’ve slipped to fourth having not won since we beat them 3–1 at their place and also been knocked out of the FA Trophy by Scarborough, who incidentally are our opponents in round four. Having beaten us, Grays remain in second but have also lost twice in their last three games, while Sutton Utd have stormed up the table and into third with only one defeat in their last 12 fixtures. We play them game-after-next, which is a home tie against 9th-placed Havant and Waterlooville who we comfortably beat 3–0 at their place earlier this season.
Jorge forgets which side of the road he’s meant to be driving on as we trundle home from Hayes, so to calm myself, I flip open my trendy new Motorola V300 to check my messages. It’s a sea of red.
Remember all those other deals I mentioned I had on the go? Yeah. They’re not going as well as I’d hoped. All in all there are 63 of these, which I painstakingly “Appeal” one by one. In the confusion, I also accidentally accept a bid for and then confirm the transfer of Danny Shipp to Harrow Boro. Who’s Danny Shipp, you ask?
I… genuinely don’t know who he is. Was he here? From his history it looks suspiciously like I’ve managed to reach into the nightosphere and sell a Dagenham & Redbridge striker to another club. Can I do that? Is there any way I can have the same sort of control over the transfers of Alianza Lima so that I can sell The Stud to myself? If we wish hard enough, you never quite know.
The eagle-eyed amongst you might have also noticed a notification in my inbox about an international callup. No, it’s not a return to Portugal for Jorge Cadete or a deserved first England cap for Sarge — Adam Birchall’s name has been drawn from the Wales under-21 hat, and he’ll presumably line up against his Moroccan counterparts in a couple of weeks’ time. Good for him. He’ll be back at Arsenal by then, so we’ll have to cheer him on from the sidelines.
Oh my goodness you guys. My work permit appeals. They’ve been decided!
Yeah they’re all rejected. Sorry for perking your hopes for a moment there.
In far better news, we are about to batter Havant & Waterlooville. I have so much confidence since my three new signings arrived, it’s incredible. With two real defenders and the spaniel-like energy of Jorge Cadete, I’m not even too worried about all my loan players’ contracts coming up. The main man I don’t want to lose is Simieon Howell, on a 7.76 average rating for me this season, but Nathan D’Laryea, Alex Lawless, and even Birchall could go and I’d still feel okay about where we are. We lose a little depth, but not by much. Even if Howell doesn’t renew we’ll be okay… he’s just so damn good.
Anyway. Havant & Waterlooville. FIGHT!
It really is a battering, you know. Timko misses a sitter in the first minute but visiting keeper Gareth Howells is soon forced into action, saving from his almost-namesake Howell after a mazy run and strike from the edge of the box, followed by a Cadete drive and a Peglis header from the resulting corner. That one spills to Timko, five yards out, but Howells makes yet another wonder-save to charge it down and send the ball spinning out for a throw-in. Less than ten minutes on the clock, and we’ve already hit the target four times.
Sadly there’s only bad news to come from there, as not only does the rest of the half mostly fizzle out into nothing, but right on the whistle, Simieon Howell is forced off with an injury in the one game this season where I haven’t put a midfielder on my bench. Jerome Vareille enters, Taira goes left, and I drop Timko into that CM position with the forward run instruction. With his Passing and Dribbling skills (both 15), he could actually do a job in there.
The second half starts, and the first thing I see is Timko taking his midfield role slightly too seriously. He lunges at Mark James with two feet, brings him down, and is sent off with a good 40 minutes to play.
Down to ten, you’d think we’d be in trouble, but are we hell. Every single remaining highlight in the game shows us attacking Havant from all angles, until Taira gets crocked as well — he’s able to continue, but down to 42%. This has been a horrible, bruising encounter, and with ten minutes to go, I decide we might as well go for it. Switching to a back four, I introduce Windross for N’Timbanzeh and go three up, encouraging the players to bypass my ragged midfield and go direct to the heady lads, hoping that Vareille can latch onto a knockdown before the game is over.
A little big for his already enormous boots, Andrew Windross stands over a free-kick 30 yards from goal in the 87th minute. I can’t believe he’s going to have a go here, considering he manages to hit the target less than half the time when he’s an entire penalty box closer to it, but strike for goal he does. It deflects off the wall, and the defenders don’t react! Pastuszka latches onto the loose ball just before it dribbles out for a corner, and stands a cross up to the far post! The keeper can’t get there! JORGE CADETE SOARS THROUGH THE WINTER SKY!
HNNNGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL HORNCHURCH!! With two minutes of normal time left, Jorge Cadete’s friendly yet predatory instincts have won us this game, surely!!
The truth is that we could extend our lead in the seconds that follow, as Cadete has yet another effort turned over by Howells, before teeing up Vareille and Taira for chances of their own that the visiting keeper pushes to safety. I drag Windross back to centre-half for the closing moments, and as the final whistle blows, a bizarre encounter has finally, deservedly, gone our way.
Howell, Taira, Timko and Gaughan are all ruled out for our next game, either through suspension, full injury or extensive bruising, which isn’t amazing news since we’re greeting the aforementioned 3rd-placed Sutton Utd at The Stadium in just three days’ time.
Even more sadly, that injury to Howell is going to be Reading’s problem as they reject my bid to renew his loan for another three months, and we’re destined to lose him. I head into the loan market, with a few 3-month slots left, and move quickly to replace him.
Probably more of a winger than a midfielder, I reckon Kyle Nix is a great candidate for Howell’s left-sided CM role. Naturally left footed, a great crosser for when he finds himself at the byline — as Howell often does — and with even better dribbling skills than the man he’s replacing, I reckon this is a decent exchange. The truth is that Shane Tolley’s 10/10 performance on his recent start means he’ll be my main choice to replace Howell in the starting lineup, but it’s nice to have options.
Having said that, we’re pretty light in midfield for the visit of Sutton, so Nix will start alongside Tolley in what could be a youthful, dynamic, vibrant attacking central pair… or could be two young men well out of their depth in the land of knee-breaking challenges and pitches you wouldn’t be surprised to find Shrek living in. To donkey, or not to donkey, that is the question.
Vareille replaces Timko up top as my new third-favourite striker, while Simek is in for Gaughan who’s apparently in need of a rest. It’s a good thing Cabrera is so fit — other than hopeless Sam Tillen, I don’t have anyone else even capable of playing his position. You’d think Elcock, but he’s Mr. 4 at anywhere other than RB. He hasn’t been my best player this season, but hats off to Cabrera. He’s very reliable.
Cabrera actually sets us off on our first attack of the day, intercepting well at left-back and passing inside for Tolley to release Vareille, whose effort is saved by Phil Wilson in the home nets. However, the next action of the game — in just the fourth minute — gives Kyle Nix the opportunity to introduce himself to the travelling Ultras.
He collects a header back from Cadete on the halfway line before, and I shit you not, dribbling past every single Sutton United player in his vicinity on the way to goal. At one point I think he’s actually running towards them specifically so he can beat them, and after four defenders are trailing in his wake, he bears down on goal, lashes a left-footed drive from a tight angle that beats Wilson but clangs back off the inside of the far post — rolling across the goal line, the ball is eventually hacked out for a throw-in by one of the few home defenders not writhing on the ground in embarrassment. He hasn’t scored, but crumbs, Kyle Nix might just make it.
That piece of solo brilliance aside, the most important thing here is that we’re dominating a team, at their place, who are third in the division with only one loss in their last 14 games. And it continues right up until the half hour mark — Cadete misses two chances and has a third cleared off the line, Tolley is shooting from all over the shop but can’t quite get it on target, and meanwhile, the imperious figures of Luis Manuel and Harry N’Timbanzeh are simply mopping up aimless Sutton long balls, with Corderoy a spectator. It’s truly phenomenal stuff.
On said half hour mark, the game’s first really decisive moment occurs. Cadete, yet again, beats his man for strength and plows towards goal. Forced wide, he turns, tries to beat a second man, but can’t — because he’s hauled to the ground instead. Penalty Hornchurch, and in the continued absence of Sarge, Pegger smashes the spot-kick home for 1–0 to the good guys.
We take that lead into the break, but start the second half exactly the same way we ended the first. Vareille hasn’t popped up in my match report much so far but he has been industrious as our right-sided centre-forward; pressing defenders, winning the ball high, keeping it safe until Cadete arrives, and running the channels like a champ. He has two early efforts on target saved by Wilson before firing what you have to call a sitter, 1v1 with the keeper, over the top on 69 minutes. Nice, yet not so nice.
Cadete has dropped to 49% fitness with the green injury sign, which is a huge blow. Hopefully nothing serious, I nevertheless replace him with Windross for the final 20, with D’Laryea also on for N’Timbanzeh. Apostr-off, apostr-on.
Windross soon has a header cleared off the line from a Nix corner flick-on, then sees Wilson save a 1v1 chance that he really should score. Corderoy only has to make his first save in the 85th minute, a shot from the edge of the box that’s straight at him all the way — I’m still sweating in my technical area because, you know — and in stoppage time, Vareille finally has the ball in the net, but is flagged for offside. We then have yet another shot cleared off the line, Vareille again with the goal seemingly agape, but it doesn’t matter, because once the corner is cleared, that’s that. Another totally dominant day, but this time in our most challenging circumstances so far . Away at promotion-chasing Sutton, we’ve restricted them to one shot on target, and at the other end, we could have scored eleven.
Plus, the Nix-Tolley question has been decisively answered. Simieon who?
Ridiculous stats from my young midfielders. Ten key passes for Tolley, 14 completed dribbles for Nix, and while Grays did beat Carshalton to maintain their spot in second, we’re heading into the rest of February eight points clear and absolutely blasting off. Conference National, here we come!
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