Take Me To Church, Ep 10: Tolley Booth
As the proud owners of a new 1994 lime green Ford Transit minibus with just 240,000 miles on the clock — it’s new to us, okay? — we’re buoyed by the fact that we can all drive to games together rather than having to jump in separate cars or on the Tube. Then again, it’s only an 18-seater — and with 16 players in each matchday squad plus me and Jorge, I have to break the news to Mick that he’s going to need to top up his Oyster card. He doesn’t mind. He just wants to be involved.
He won’t have to worry about it for a couple of weeks though, because we’ve got two consecutive home games coming up, then a nice week off before we make the short trip around the M25 to Maidenhead. First up? Redbridge, 10th in the league, coming off a morale-boosting 3–1 win over Dorchester and boasting nine-goal dangerman Wayne Vaughan — but with a dreadful away record that shows only one win on the road for the Motormen, who you’d think would be better at travelling, but apparently not.
For our part, we’ve struggled a bit recently ourselves despite remaining unbeaten. I’ve never quite got a consistently free-flowing, attacking system under my belt for the Urchins, and the only thing I can say has worked consistently is having three at the back and three in midfield. I think what I’m really missing is a dynamic, free-scoring AMC who can run beyond my target man and finish like a striker, slap long shots in from the edge of the box and find killer balls through to my strikers when we need them. I’m not asking for much.
My two central midfielders, whoever they are, give us a great foundation; my big man / little man strikeforce works well enough with 20 goals between them in 40 games; and my defenders and goalkeeper broadly do their best to stop us from losing games, and they’re not bad at it, because the fact is that we’ve only lost twice all season and once was to League Two’s Bristol Rovers. We’ve got a good, solid side and I have a decent idea of what works despite the fact that I wouldn’t have passed a breathalyser test at any point this season; I just don’t quite have the quality to be tearing this division apart. Seriously, if just one of the ethereal South American journeymen I’ve got on my transfer list had been allowed over the border, we’d be running away with virtually every game we kick off. It might just have to wait until next season.
Hopefully Shane Tolley will join us soon, which will definitely give me someone to look at in that role, but for the time being I’ve decided to go to a flat 5–3–2 with run instructions that should make us a bit more spicy and give Redbridge more than enough to worry about. Sarge is suspended for coming close to murdering two people in our last game, one of whom was an official, so Pegger slides in alongside free-role Howell and Mr Consistent, Mark Booth.
I might have finally found my system.
I mean, I probably should have come to accept it sooner since everyone I’ve played in attacking centre-mid has been vastly inconsistent and playing my full backs at wing back results in them getting threes, but it turns out that just putting all my best players (Sarge’s company excepted) in the positions they’d like to play with roles they want to fulfil results in results.
Our first goal is probably the best header I’ve seen in my managerial career, from none other than the man I signed for exactly this purpose: Andrew Windross. Kevin Gaughan lobs a free-kick forward towards our talismanic target man who wins a header against Ben Shepherd, about 16 yards from goal, that bullets past the helpless John Bagnall and into the far corner. Then, right on the stroke of half time, Elcock throws in to Pegger on the right, and he plays a low, direct pass to the feet of Birchall. He spins his man, gets into the box, and curls a sumptuous shot into the far corner with the outside of his boot, and we go in with a very comfortable 2–0 lead at half time.
The only change I make at the break is shaking hands with Elcock as he withdraws and Nathan D’Laryea takes his place; with this kind of team performance, if you’re sitting on a five, you’re having a nightmare.
We start the second half in exactly the same mood as we finished the first, and continue to make chances. Bagnall saves from Windross as he strides through unchallenged onto a Howell through pass; Howell himself then hits the side netting after dancing through the Redbridge defence; and a Pegger thunderbolt clips the top of the bar on its way over from the edge of the box. Finally, our pressure pays off. Birchall is tired, so I let Lawless have a run in his place, and his first meaningful contribution is to collect a Booth pass, swivel into the right channel, then float a cross perfectly for Windross to thump back across goal and in for 3–0, and this game is well and truly over without my defence ever being seriously tested. I know it’s just one game, but this might be the tactic. Every single part of it has been picture-perfect.
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That’s right! Margate beating Grays in their top-of-the-table (ish) clash means we overtake the latter to clamber and claw our way, finally, to the summit of the Conference South. Sure, Margate themselves could go top again if they win their game in hand, but I’m very happy to screenshot this league table and tell Big Sooz we’ve been there the whole season.
Plus, the sight of these Churchy Joes at the top prompts some excellent transfer news…
I’ve no idea what difference he’ll make, and I’ll need to nurse him up to full match fitness before he can realistically do anything useful, but quite honestly, at 19 years old with bags of potential and a £40k valuation right off the bat, there’s no doubt this is a good signing. I probably should have gotten him to agree a deal beyond the end of the season, but let’s worry about that when it inevitably becomes a problem in six months’ time.
And he goes straight into the squad for the visit of Cambridge City, who might be 16th in the table, but have won three of their last five games. They do, however, have an awful away record with only two wins in eight, so considering how well we played last time around, I fancy our chances.
My only change to the starting eleven is Sarge returning in midfield with Pegger dropping to the bench and Fox told he can have the afternoon off — we need all the spare seats we can muster. Fox has been incredibly inconsistent, whereas that midfield three of Sarge, Boothy and Howell must be one of the best in the division. Mick Loughton’s train is delayed; nobody asked if he was still coming.
It’s another marvellous win, and I have my midfield to thank. Sarge opens the scoring after 25 minutes with the coolest penalty you’ll ever see, having taken over the duty from Lee Sharpe (although you wouldn’t know since we hardly ever win pens any more), and Mark Booth wraps up the win in the second half with a lovely finish from the edge of the box. The purists will say it was straight down the middle and a goalkeeper with one arm and leg would have been expected to save it, but if you ask me, it was an unstoppable thunderbastard that almost broke the net with its sheer intensity.
The biggest positive of this game, though, is definitely Shane Tolley. He’s introduced at half time for the unusually off-colour Howell, and advanced to AMC, he’s a revelation. Sitting in that position, he’s always an outlet to my defenders when we’re in our own third, plays raking hollywood passes through to Birchall, finds heads, finds feet, and crucially, gets out of the bloody way as Booth boulders through to score our second. I feel like substitutes might be overpowered on this game, since they’ve come off the bench to play magnificently so many times just to completely fudge it when I give them a starting spot, but with my expectations for Tolley hovering somewhere near “Premier League here we come”, it’s time to get wildly over-excited.
In the aftermath I allow Steven Bonar, who I relate to greatly in that he’s surplus to requirements, to leave for Billericay Town. I brought him in when I thought I’d be playing with wingers, I’ve established I won’t be doing that any more, so he might as well get off my wage bill. We had our laughs while they lasted, didn’t we? Sorry, Bonar. Time for you to slowly fade away before someone sees.
That win puts us three points clear at the top of the table, a fact I relay to the players as I check their names off my clipboard and load them into the van — sorry, minibus — for the drive to Maidenhead. Jorge has never driven on the left-hand side of the road before, so naturally I let him take the wheel. It’s about time he learned, and I need this hour or so for one of my classic eyes-closed tactical musings.
I’m jolted out of my considerations as Jorge parks rather suddenly outside York Road. What’s that? What have I decided to do about the team and formation today? Errr… same again?
I wish I’d done more (read: any) research into Maidenhead before we arrived — I’m very excited to see my old friend Steve Claridge leading the line for the Magpies. Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! He must not have heard me. Steve?
Never mind, I’ll catch him afterwards — for now, it’s time for kickoff, and we carve Maidenhead open within two minutes. Kevin Gaughan takes a free kick in the middle of our half, drills it straight down the centre of the pitch, Howell takes it down, runs unchallenged directly to goal, and slaps a shot that Wilson has to turn around the post for a corner. I’ve never known there to be so much space through the middle for us to exploit! I knew my planning nap was a good idea.
Unfortunately, Maidenhead then take the luckiest of leads. O’Connor has a free-kick around 25 yards out, lashes it at goal, it takes an enormous deflection off the wall and bounces past the stranded Corderoy and in. It’s frustrating, especially as we continue to carve out chances of our own, but Wilson is in the way every time. Adam Birchall may have had too much Red Bull in the van, because he gets booked for hacking down a defender before screaming at the referee not once, but twice — combined with the fact that he’s on a five, I hook him in the 38th minute for Tolley. I’m not going a goal AND a man down, thank you very much.
We are still losing as half time arrives, but there’s a lot of joy through the heart of Maidenhead, so I make some small tweaks to make sure my players are taking full advantage. Frustratingly the 65th minute is the next time we see any further action, which is Simieon Howell hoofing another shot into the stands, so my next change is to put Lawless on for him, send him up front, and put Tolley in the hole where he was so effective last time around.
It almost works right away. Tolley plays a long ball to Windross, he wins a textbook flick on, and Lawless is free. Just the GK to beat, he shoots — it’s saved, but it’s loose! It’s a tap in for Windross!
NO! A defender scrambles back and gets enough of a toe in to put it out for a corner, which comes to nothing. 75 minutes gone, we’re still one down to Maidenhead’s only chance in the game, which wasn’t even going on target before it was deflected.
Maidenhead gather possession and launch a long ball forward towards Cabrera, who’s all alone at left back with his dreadful 5 rating. He wins the header, which isn’t difficult because there’s nobody within 20 yards of him, but inexplicably, he pumps it back towards our goal, over my two centre-halves… and straight into the path of Steve Claridge, who takes a touch before lashing home a left-footed shot from close range, past Corderoy, and I guess that’s 2–0.
I spend all of the final 15 minutes doing the slow-clap bit for Cabrera, whose flank is right in front of my technical area. He drops to a 4, textbook, and as my forwards continue to struggle, the referee blows up for full time, and this is a horrendous defeat. The Magpies score the two luckiest goals you’ll ever see and do nothing else for the whole game; we create seven good chances in total, which I suppose isn’t loads, but my goodness, we do more than they do. I guess you really can’t win em all.
Results around us go our way to keep us top of the pile. Grays go down 2–0 at home to Lewes, while Margate win 5–2 at Redbridge, so with 18 games played by everyone in the division, we’re top by a single point. That is just our second league defeat of the season, and we played fine overall. It’s not going to stop me playing my Angry Mix in the van on the way home though. Minibus! Minibus. I really have to stop calling it a van.
Episode 11 >
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