Los Coladeros, Episode 77: On The Charge
It’s very nice to be able to head off to Northern Italy without a care in the world. Not only is the region not being ravaged by a killer virus, but we’ll also arrive in Bergamo for our return game against Atalanta knowing that we’ve already qualified from this Champions League group, and a loss to them will make no difference to that. Even if we do hand them all three points today, a win at home against Wisla in our final game will still see us go through to the next phase as group winners.
As a result, I quarantine most of my good players at La Cartuja and load a “prove yourself” squad aboard Chugger for the long, long, inconceivably long drive east. Why didn’t we buy a rickety but charming private jet? Oh… yeah. That’s why. Also I suppose it would be overkill if we flew to our away games at Betis or Sevilla; some might think of us as extravagant, and we couldn’t have that.
We line up with what must be one of the most crazed defences in world football. Lizarazu, Hill and Bonomi all have 20 for Aggression, and while Giorgio Chiellini doesn’t… it’s Giorgio Chiellini. Nothing more needs to be said. Combine them with human staple gun Raúl García in DMC, and honestly, there’s a chance some of the Atalanta players won’t make it out of this game alive.
Ahead of them, I give further starts to Bruno and Arteta, while also bringing Moukoko (almost back to 100% after I shoved him into Davies and Kerr’s fitness routine), Tsigalko and Paiva back into the team. We probably won’t win here, I should prepare you for that, but nevertheless, this second team looks pretty tasty doesn’t it?
It’s a weird game in which we match Atalanta in every area, but as so often happens on Champ, they only need two shots on target to score once, whereas our three shots on target come to nothing. There’s obviously a database error in the attributes of Massimo Taibi who’s been a difficult nut to crack over both games in defiance of his real-life dreadfulness, and he frustrates Tsigalko, Kerr and García who all have chances from good positions but find the former Man Utd flapper in the way every time.
At the other end, Cristiano Doni — another player whose attributes seem a little over-estimated in my opinion — is a constant thorn in our side, much like the previous game, and it’s no surprise when he converts a Giannichedda cross just before the half-hour mark. We huff and puff but get very little reward for our efforts, and by the end, I’ve gone fully attacking and left spaces in behind — which simply allows Vinicio Edwards Espinal to unleash all 20 of his Dribbling with a run that goes on for three full minutes, takes him around Tsigalko twice, and lands him back where he first started. It’s almost like he was time-wasting.
After some stinging criticism on Twitter for my decision to sign Shaun Wright-Phillips, I’ve decided that hey, if that’s what you want, that’s what you can have — so cancel the deal and go in search of another right-back. While I wouldn’t usually relent to pressure from fans who think I’m making a bad signing, I don’t really feel like we need strengthening anywhere else, we’ve got £8m in the bank, and hey — maybe we can sign someone a bit more fun.
Sadly Cafu is out of the question as he’s now player-manager at Portuguesa and isn’t prepared to give up a role he’s only just stepped into. I have initial bids rejected for Raio Piiroja, Assane N’Diaye and Brett Emerton, then improved ones are rejected as well, putting all three out of my price range. Sir Alex knocks back my bid for an ageing and out-of-favour Gary Neville, while I pass on the chance to take Danny Mills from Leeds because honestly, nobody needs that.
I fail to have any bids accepted before we’re forced to hide all our valuables in the La Cartuja cupboards because those slippery, trustless green bastards from down the road are here to compete with us for the crown of Best Team in Seville. It’s already a no contest, lads — especially when we’ve got a team like this.
They come for a fight, do Betis, and we’re only too happy to oblige. I’ve made the tough decision to start Bonomi in central defence ahead of the inconsistent Burdisso and it has to be said, the Italian is an absolute monster in the tackle and wins every header he contests. We take an early lead through Simon Davies and it seems like we could blow our dastardly local rivals away — but pre-match, I noticed that the man they’ve signed to replace Luque, the mythical Mista, hasn’t scored for them yet in 12 appearances… and we all know what that means.
Yes, all versions of Champ and Football Manager seem to be programmed to ensure that opposition players who are demonstrably awful will always score the first goal for their new club against you, and on 40 minutes, the man who couldn’t hit a beach ball with a tennis racket last week scores an incisive, world-class goal after a blistering run and shot that leaves Voulgaris with no chance. As a result, we seem to be drifting towards 1–1 at half time, but wouldn’t you know it, our relentless pressure on the Betis goal finally nips us back into the lead as Kibebe centres a ball for Stan Petrov to catch perfectly on the volley and smash past Leo Franco for 2–1 at the break.
The second half starts with Betis overloading us at the back and I’m flummoxed as to where this new patch of form is coming from until I realise that both their central midfielders have been set to run forward into AMC, which is overloading Kibebe. I tell Stan to track one and Kibebe to finish the other, and after that little tweak, we’re back in the running. Betis stopper Leo Franco goes off in the 69th minute (nice) which you’d think would signal a tidal wave of goals, but apparently Betis have been hiding one of the world’s greatest ever goalkeepers on their bench, as replacement José Manuel Prito denies Ronaldo, Kalogeras, Duff, Skalidis, Luque, Davies and Petrov as we tick towards full time.
Fully expecting Betis to nick a last-minute equaliser I throw Ronaldo into midfield for the unusually quiet Mark Kerr, and with just a few minutes left (and after he’s already had one goal ruled out for offside), Mike Duff gets on the end of a Ronaldo through ball and finally beats Prito with a late third goal that ends the tie. It was a nice try from these dogged green bastards, but not quite good enough.
Next up, midweek and after what feels like less than a day of rest, we welcome flat bottom Sporting Gijon and their tiny squad to La Cartuja. Honestly, they’ve barely got enough players available to field an eleven, let alone try to stay in La Liga. This ought to be a walkover, he said while giving himself a Chinese burn…
Kalogeras chucks a free kick into the top corner after five minutes and that’s basically all that happens in the whole game. Luque and Skalidis spend their time together on the pitch seeing who can miss the most glaring clear-cut chances, with Skalidis the clear winner after getting just one of his four gilt-edged chances on target. Davies does well in midfield, but honestly, this should have been a goal difference booster of a game, but when the final whistle goes, it’s just the three points we take.
Unfortunately, our next game is away at the Bernabeu. Real Madrid are one place above us in the table now, third to our fourth, and as you’d expect, Los Galacticos are strutting their stuff with great verve and vigour. It’s only really the unstoppable juggernaut that is Barcelona which keeps them off the top of the table, and while I’m overjoyed to see Raúl and Materazzi on the injury list, they still have your Vieiras, your Ronaldos, and your… Casillasses. As usual, they won’t be easy to turn over, especially at their place.
Speaking of Ronaldo, he’s still barely being used by Real and his contract is up at the end of the season; you’d better believe I’ll be in his back garden the moment his address is made public. As for today, I fully expect him to ruin my life with his pace and skill, so decide to start Burdisso alongside Tobros in the hope that their combined 40 for Aggression will wipe him out of the game before he’s had a chance to burn his toothy smile into my retinas.
Skalidis isn’t 100% fit but he’s playing anyway, of course, and otherwise the team that barely scraped past Sporting Gijon will line up in the famous silver and blue at one of world football’s most famous stadiums. Sounds like a recipe for success if ever I heard one!
We’re far, far better than Real Madrid is a series of words that I genuinely never thought I’d type, but it’s the only way to describe this game. My players are controlled, committed and incisive, and their levels of concentration and composure are high enough that all seven of our chances hit the target — but Iker Casillas is firmly behind every single one of them.
Down the other end, Ronaldo gives Tobros and Burdisso such a mauling that they are both crying in the tunnel as I haul them off after 67 minutes having been totally outclassed, but even despite that my defence largely hold him and his teammates at bay for the overwhelming majority of the game. However, in the 23rd minute, El Fenomeno took his one and only shot at goal, and we lose 1–0. Twas ever thus.
This season is far tougher than last, with La Liga’s puppeteers ensuring a return to the established order. With ten-ish games gone, both Real and Barça are still unbeaten in the league and are the top two in the division, as peerless and dominant as we’ve all come to know and hate. We’re still doing fine back in fifth, but we’re already relying on these runaway trains to derail at some point, and while the soothsayers will tell you it can’t last forever, with those two sides, it sure doesn’t feel like that sometimes.
Anyway — to happier topics. Gary Neville definitely isn’t coming here! Someone put up some bunting. I flippantly offer £6m for him just to see what his wage demands are, and he wants £55,000 per week for the next five years. I’m sure you all already know what happened next.
The problem, however, is that I’m now completely short of a decent reserve right back for the winter. Having been peer pressured into cancelling my bid for my personal first choice, Shaun Wright-Phillips, I’m now considering players who are going to cost twice as much and are nowhere near twice as good. I mean, the player I’m signing is only going to clean Mike Duff’s boots anyway — why am I making such a meal out of this?
My severely reduced £1.8m bid for SWP is accepted and I offer him an even more heavily discounted contract than before, but before I can rectify my original mistake, we’re up against Wisla in the Champions League. Burdisso has sloped straight off on international duty after his humbling by Ronaldo, and since Nikolaos Tobros is still rather red-eyed, I decide the hard-as-nails, wasp-chewing-world-champion duo of Clint Hill and Mauro Bonomi will be tasked with snapping the Poles in our final first phase group game. I also bring Raúl García and Ronaldo back into the team along with Lizarazu at full-back just to shake things up a bit from our last two games, which were overall pretty poor.
We’ve certainly got enough about us to beat Wisla comfortably today. Remember, a win means we finish top, no questions asked. A draw should be enough for us to finish top as well, but if we lose and Atalanta win, we’ll go through second.
The first thing Mauro Bonomi does is rather surprising. Rather than stamp down on someone’s toes or elbow a flouncing winger in the face, he actually goes forward for a sixth-minute corner, receives the ball on the edge of the box from Raúl García, and delicately lifts a chip shot over the Wisla goalkeeper and into the far corner, resulting in a goal that Eric Cantona himself would have doffed his cap to.
After that though, Bonomi is all business. He wins six of his seven tackles, four key, and both his aerial duels. Alongside the rest of my defenders, not you Clint, he provides the foundation for an exceptional victory over what could be a dangerous opponent. Skalidis and Luque knock on the door several times as the first half ticks over, but it’s the Spaniard who finally doubles our lead right on the stroke of half time with a tidy finish from Petrov’s layoff, then he drills a low shot off the dewy surface just after half time for 3–0, and game over. Comfortable as you like, second round here we come.
Atalanta do win their final game 3–0 in Sweden, but they can’t catch us, and we qualify as group winners after a superb first phase.
Meanwhile…
He’s the best available backup right back I can find in all of world football for under £5m. Feel free to return your season ticket if you disagree. Personally, I’m looking forward to seeing him have a little scamper down the right wing when we finally restart the Copa del Rey fixtures.
The following day, the Phase 2 Groups are drawn. Susan? Would you restock the drinks globe, please? I have a feeling I’m going to need it.
Episode 78 coming soon!
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