Los Coladeros, Episode 64: Copa del Rey, Round Three
Standing confidently at the top of La Liga means we can rest an awful lot of players for our two-legged Copa del Rey tie with Binéfar. They’re currently 6th in our old stomping grounds, the D2B3, and one of their right wingers is a young Scot by the name of Ian Shanks — he signed last season from Peterhead and notched an impressive zero goals in 13 games with an average rating of 5.93. The clue’s in the name.
I have to say, though, I’ve got a lot of time for our opponents. My standard in-depth scouting tells me that their only regular starting player who’s over 25 is goalkeeper Rufino Lekue — everyone else with 15+ appearances this season is 24 or younger, including top scorer Juan José Estévez (19, ten goals) and top assister Miguel Mateos (24, 6 goals, 6 assists). I’ve always got a soft spot for a youthful squad, so while I obviously want to make sure we secure our place in round four over these two legs, I’d also like it to be a learning experience for them, you know? It’s not every day you get to welcome La Liga’s champions-elect to your pokey little semi-professional stadium. I’m really tempting fate now, eh.
My team, as you can imagine, is very much changed. Young Estévez gets to play against a former France captain in Marcel Desailly, while my midfield is extremely forward-thinking; I’m not sure Tonton is suited to this role, but I’m keen to find out. While I don’t want to take our youthful opponents lightly, we really ought to win this one easily.
We don’t win easily, but we do win. My changed side make hard work of Binéfar, who defend admirably, it has to be said — and in the end, a single Cherno Samba drive from long range is the difference between the two sides. Moukoko looks far better second half once I swap him around with Bruno — AMC is clearly his position — and in fact, it’s only an excellent display from the home keeper that prevents either he or Ronaldo from adding to our lead. They don’t have much coming our way though, it has to be said, so it was always a case of how many we would score. Turns out one.
The second leg is next week, but in between, we have a far more challenging trip to 8th-placed Mallorca — and not just because it involves an overnight ferry with an on-board karaoke machine. Once I’ve managed to pry Jorge Campos’s fingers off the microphone, I shoo all the players to bed and consider my starting team. Mark Kerr got an early night, so he definitely comes back into the centre of my midfield, and in fact, everyone can come back into the team. Kalogeras is suspended so John Welsh can try out at left-back with the returning Duff on the right; Voulgaris has 7.90 from his appearances this season while Costanzo was injured so he deserves to keep his spot in nets; Hill is my best defender and Tobros my most proficient tackler, so they guard our penalty area; Petrov, Davies and Skalidis are automatic picks, and you know what? I prefer Ronaldo to Tsigalko in AMC right now. Tsigalko has really sulked off since Skalidis arrived and has provided no goals or assists in the games they’ve played together. It hasn’t stopped the Greek hotshot from scoring five in five, but imagine what he’d get if he actually had service coming from behind him? With any luck, Mallorca will find out today.
Petrov and Davies see sighters fly off-target in the first ten minutes as they both try to find their range for the afternoon — no problem for me. They’re scoring and assisting so consistently that they can do pretty much whatever they want. However, the 11th minute brings the biggest news of the game: as Davies pops his free-kick over the bar, José Antonio Chamot decides he’s already seen enough of Skalidis and pops him right in the mouth. The referee sees it, flourishes a red card for the Mallorca defender, and with a good 80 minutes left to play, the home side are down to ten men.
My players are ruthless from that point onward. They are helped hugely by Mallorca boss Gregorio Manzano (or Greg Appletree to his friends) dealing with the hole in his back three by simply dragging striker Turu Flores into it — a decision that only bears fruit for us, thanks. Ten minutes later, Kerr lifts a ball into the box, Skalidis powers a header goalwards, Iglesias pushes it away, but Kerr follows in and clatters a shot past the flailing keeper and in for 1–0 — then Skalidis takes the ball on by himself, disappears past Flores and Juanma, and hits a furious strike into the top corner for two.
Kerr is immediately forced off injured, but smelling juice in the water, I bring on Maxim Tsigalko in his place, dropping Ronaldo into MC and putting the Iceman back in behind Skalidis — and, with my stinging pre-match criticism still burning in his ears, Tsigalko instantly collects a John Welsh pass, turns, and lifts a 25-yard through ball into the path of Skalidis, who lets it drop before half-volleying past Iglesias for 3–0 at half time.
The players return for the second half with Turu Flores still at centre-half despite Appletree having three defenders on the bench, and it doesn’t take long for us to extend our lead. Just after the hour, Simon Davies swings a corner into the box after yet another Skalidis effort is deflected behind, and the War God beats Juanmi in the air to pump a header in off the post for 4–0, and game over. I make some protective subs to ensure Skalidis and Ronaldo don’t get crocked in the final 30, and with Turu Flores on the phone to his agent and Iglesias heading into therapy, Stilian Petrov beats them both in the air in the closing stages to round off our win in style. I could never have dreamed of coming to Mallorca and winning 5–0, but bah gawd, that’s what we’ve just done — with an assist for big Greg, of course. He couldn’t have picked a better replacement for Chamot. I guess putting strikers in defence is one of his core principles. And so on.
Kerr is out for a month with a pulled hamstring, which is a blow since he had emerged from the shadows with that free role I gave him in central midfield, but in brighter news… Real Madrid only manage a 0–0 draw at Deportivo La Coruña. The teams around them win, but nobody can overhaul them. They’re still in second. We extend our lead at the top. Say it quietly in public, but scream it at your television once you get home… halfway through the season, Los Coladeros are 11 points clear at the top of La Liga.
Those absolute chancers at Man City bid £3m for John Welsh in a continued undervaluation of one of my favourite, if wantaway, defenders — I want £5m, and I’m not budging. The press then link the young man with a £3.8m move to Spurs, to which I invite them to come knocking. They do not. I fax Daniel Levy to tell him I’d be happy to exchange Welsh for Igor Tudor or Esteban Cambiasso, and he sends back a scan of his middle finger. Fair enough. The man is a tough negotiator, we all know that.
The second leg of our Copa del Rey third round tie with Binéfar is up next, and it’s all change once more. Fernando Contreras gets a go up front. Mikel Alonso comes in from the cold now that Mark Kerr is injured and I might need some backup. Moukoko is AMC. Andrielos gets a go at the back. Costanzo is in nets. We’re looking and smelling fantastic at La Cartuja — let’s give the fans something to get all giddy about.
Well, this is a D2B3 game if ever I saw one. There’s so little quality from both teams that I can barely believe my eyes, though Contreras is kept out only by yet another excellent display from visiting captain Rufino Lekue in the Binéfar goal. When we get a penalty just after the hour mark I expect Kalogeras to make the game safe at 2–0 on aggregate, but instead he punches his shot straight at Lekue — and with three minutes left, 20-year-old substitute DMC José Ignacio Gómez beats Bergtoft in the air to head home a corner and take the game to extra time.
My changed team is having an absolute shocker against a side they should plow through with ease. Tonton is rubbish. Lescott is rubbish. Saavedra is rubbish, though he was rubbish at kick-off so he can sort of be excused. Fortunately for us, however, Bruno helps Bergtoft redeem himself by laying a nice easy ball into his path that he cuts back for Jonas Lundén to prove he’s just not rubbish enough to miss an easy chance from six yards, and after 120 minutes and a huge scare, we are heading to the Copa del Rey fourth round. I’m not happy with my second team, but it does justify my decision to already have half of them on the transfer list.
Our neighbours also navigate their way through to the quarter finals, but while they’re drawn to play one another, we get yet another D2B side — this time Éibar, the spiritual opposites of Binéfar with more than half their squad over 30. In more fun news, D2B’s other representatives in the quarter final — Gernika and Gandía — are playing each other too, meaning there will be at least one D2B team in the Copa del Rey semi-finals. What a time to be alive.
The moment our 120 minutes against Binéfar are over, I leave my second string on the pitch to take pelters from the fans, grab Clint Hill, Bruno and Cherno Samba, and head out to the car park to join my competent players aboard Chugger for the long drive north to A Coruña.
I’m not looking forward to playing Deportivo. They were the side who greeted us on the opening day of the season with a 1–0 defeat, courtesy of Diego Tristán’s scud launcher of a right leg — and now, with 19 games gone, they’ve still only conceded 7 goals in La Liga. The only team who are anywhere near them in that respect is us, also still in single figures with 9 conceded, but the difference is they’ve since sold Tristán and have thus only scored 18 goals as a team — whereas we’ve got more than twice that. If ever a game had 0–0 written all over it, you’d think it would be this one.
Then you take a look at the squads. Clearly, the main reason for Deportivo’s remarkable defensive record is the summer signing of Paolo Montero from Juventus — on a Bosman, no less. Even at 33 years old, the man is a titan — but he’s got a shin injury today, and is orange-injured. I sincerely hope we don’t see him.
They also play Barcelona’s horrible seven-defender system with only Rubén Baraja allowed out — but he’s not exactly setting the top half of the pitch alight, and anyway, he’s suspemded today. Right back/winger Jesus Arellano is suspended too, plus Martin Palermo should be a serious threat up top, but he’s also orange-injured today. All in all, I’m delighted to see that half of their regular starting side ought to be sidelined. It might just be the opening we need to snatch a win.
It’s all change for us, of course. Tsigalko returns to AMC after his man-of-the-match performance last time out where he finally showed the green shoots of friendship to Skalidis; Kerr is crocked so Ronaldo moves into left MC with Petrov settling back into the centre; I love Benjamin Kibebe so he’s my DMC, plus Kalogeras is still suspended in the league so the sought-after John Welsh continues at left back. I have a feeling that Javier Irureta is going to switch his side around to account for all their injuries, so watch this space. My card is subject to change.
He doesn’t change formation, and Montero starts. Irureta also plays a midfielder at right-back and a centre-half in midfield to turn the game into exactly what he wants: a pitched battle comprised mostly of sturdy challenges, with a side of war gravy and only a mere sprinkling of chances on goal. Although the game is conducted almost entirely in the home third, that’s where most of their players are playing, so we find ourselves up against a flood barrier — and in fact, at half time, there has only been a single shot on target by either team. However, that shot on target was ours, and that shot on target was taken by Anastasios Skalidis.
Yes, in the half’s only real moment of attacking quality, Skalidis rounds three of Deportivo’s seven defenders and hammers a high shot past Molina to register his 8th goal for the Wet Bandits since he arrived a few weeks ago. It’s an excellent way to finish the first half that sets us on the path to a vital win, and more importantly: revenge.
Unfortunately, Irureta changes formation at half-time without my realising, and it only takes a minute (girl) for his renewed side to peg us back. Flying left-winger Federico Basavilbaso, who has assisted ten of Deportivo’s 18 league goals, was always going to be a danger man — and when Mike Duff can’t stop him getting to the byline, he cuts back for Rodolfo Bodipo to get above Tobros and head past Voulgaris to draw the game back to level terms. 47 minutes gone, 1–1, and faced with a far more adventurous opponent, I check and replace all my man-marking instructions, and it seems to pay off. Skalidis sees a sighter fly over the crossbar and, as we approach the hour mark, Ronaldo skips past Montero — no mean feat in itself — and smashes a shot off the crossbar. We’re looking pretty good, all considered.
Then, a crazy three minutes ruins everything. First, Capi, Sergio and Acuña combine on the Deportivo right flank and cross a ball into the box that sails over both my centre halves and approaches the head of John Welsh, under no pressure. He attempts to cushion the ball back to Voulgaris, but instead powers a bullet header into the top corner for an own goal that gives the home side the lead. Then, just after kick off and for no obvious reason, Maxim Tsigalko runs over to left back Alberto Marcos and boots him in the shin as hard as he can. The Iceman has lost his cool, the referee is only too happy to show him a red card, and from 1–1 at 62 minutes, it’s now 2–1 and we’re down to ten men on 65.
Montero is forced off injured with 17 minutes left, and a glimmer of hope presents itself. With their best defender in an ambulance, I say to hell with trying to stick to any sort of formation, and go four up front — Ronaldo, Skalidis, Samba and Bruno — with three at the back. There are chances, but none of them trouble Molina, and with my defence missing a man and Pablo Aimar introduced, it’s no real surprise that he counter-attacks us in the final minute, skips around my leggy back three and lays the ball on a plate for Bodipo to finish us off. We’ve had a nightmare of a second half, and the end result is that Deportivo will be one of the only sides to beat us twice in the league this season. I’m disappointed, but with ten men, what can you really do?
And to compound one of our worst days, Real Madrid win to cut our lead at the top to eight points. Don’t get me wrong — that’s still an excellent place to be. It just doesn’t feel like it right now.
The Spanish FA are in touch the following afternoon.
Somebody hold me.
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