Los Coladeros Episode 34: Taking Stock
Our night out on the Alameda after getting back to Seville was unforgettable, or at least it would have been if Jorge Campos hadn’t insisted we each drink a shot of mezcal every time we saw a red, white, green or gold car on the drive home from Numancia. I never thought I’d find myself wishing there were fewer colours in the Mexican flag, but here we are. It was certainly worth celebrating his first goal for the Rainmakers, though, and in truth, it was an incredible end to an incredible season. I had to get Amdy Faye to carry me home at the end, which he did with some reservation. I can be quite wriggly when I’ve had a few.
The following afternoon I wander through the gates of La Cartuja to find Susan vomiting into a waste-paper basket and Jimmy Graham diligently working on training schedules that will be going the same way as soon as his back is turned. It’s the summer Jim, I implore, why are you still working? He hands me a sheet of paper telling me that Daniel Ung has been fantastic in training and deserves an extended run in the team; shame really, since we haven’t got any games left. At the same time, Susan wipes her mouth and tells me that Toledo have made a bid of £0 to take Ung off our hands, which she accepted on my behalf; I don’t really want to sell him for nothing, but at 27 years old and with little chance of getting into any La Liga side, let alone ours, I’m tempted to get his wages off the bill. In the end, despite conflicting advice, I decide to go with my gut and let him leave. Incidentally, my gut is also telling me something else… Susan, pass the bin.
I next check in with the finance team, who are all not talking to me. The paltry £1.1m prize money we received for finishing top of the Segunda has barely made a dent in our debt, and we’re still adrift of the black with only a week until the transfer window reopens. One of the junior accountants then tells me that Valladolid, our fellow promotees and hated arch-rivals, have just been taken over by Spanish consortium that have cleared the club’s debts and given them £7.25m to spend on transfers in the summer, while we have to fight each other for sandwiches in the staff room fridge. Must be nice.
I then get a call from an unknown number, which I decide to answer in case it’s that Nigerian prince I’ve been emailing for the last few months. Sadly, it isn’t — instead, it’s a man calling himself Txuma Martón from somewhere called C.D. Azkoyen, who says something loudly and insistently about condoms. I end the obvious prank call without saying a word, but after a while, my phone rings again, and then again. Eventually I get Susan to take care of it, and after lots of words I don’t understand, she tells me he is a real person from a real club and they want to take Marius Condom off our hands, but only on a free transfer. Ah, Marius. Always meant to be a joke signing, but actually really decent in nets every time I played him there — there’s no need for him to stick around. With Franco Costanzo coming in the summer and with Campos, Pinheiro and Voulgaris already in attendance, it’s better to let him be unrolled carefully over the six-yard box of another club now. I tell her to call the man back and accept the bid. I’ve got some wheeler-dealering of my own to do.
Maxim Tsigalko is the league’s top scorer with 34 goals, taking the piss out of Mariano Armentano and Loreto who finish with 27 and 25 respectively. Jorge Campos, despite scoring an actual goal before the season was out — just — is beaten into second place for Goalkeeper of the Season by Albano Bizzarri of Valladolid, who, to be fair, was phenomenal against us every time we played them… except that one time where we beat them 5–0, judges. Five fucking nil. Does that mean nothing to you? Disgraceful. What’s equally disgraceful is that there’s no additional prize money for my players mostly winning all these awards. Where’s the justice in that, is what I want to know.
June 19th comes, the transfer window bursts open, and I stand outside La Cartuja warming up my waving arm.
Oh, right. It’s just those two for now. Well, it’s less-than-tearful goodbyes for both, and although Condom, as I said, was great when called upon, Ung never quite impressed me in the way I’d hoped, and at 27 years old, can certainly be upgraded.
Fortunately for me, my dumb luck meant that I actually saved a couple of screenshots of the team’s end-of-season stats before I let those two go, so we can do a full player of the season poll with them included! I’d be amazed if either of them won. Having said that, if you can’t decide who to vote for, stick it on Condom. He’s fourth on the list by average rating, after all.
The poll for you to vote is right here, so go ahead and cast it now! I couldn’t limit the choices to just four this season — there are too many horses in the race.
The in-game Ultras have already voted clearly for their Player of the Season, and to be honest, it’s hard to argue. My head definitely agrees that Maxim Tsigalko is a shoo-in for POTY, but my heart leans towards little Sergio Sestelo, our reigning, defending Player of the Season, for being a mainstay in a team full of CM0102 legends and managing 16 goals and 7 assists in the Segunda Division despite having these attributes. Truly remarkable.
Anyway, here’s the link to that poll again so you can vote for your 2002/03 Player of the Season — we’ll see who gets it next week, as a Monday morning treat.
Speaking of treats… we’re officially in La Liga! And we’ve had the cheque in the post that comes along with it! AND THE BOARD HAVE GIVEN IT ALL TO ME!
They should be expecting a difficult season if they’re going to give me over £2m more in my transfer kitty than we’ve got in the bank, but you don’t hear me not complaining.
I instantly submit bids for Taribo West and Andrés Iniesta, naturally, because either or both would make us markedly better. Iniesta still isn’t interested in talking to me despite being stuck in the B team. My initial bid for West is rejected so I improve to £700k; I’d love to have him, but I’m not going to blow all my budget on an ageing centre-half, even if it is Taribo. No, blowing all my budget will be saved for Joe Cole and David Dunn, both on my Interested list and both technically within budget, though I’m sure their clubs will reject my advances.
Nico Van der Linden then arrives from GBA on a free transfer, one of my previously and hastily organised transfers, while Henning Berg disappears to Córdoba. It’s a decent trade, I’d say. Van der Linden is one for the future, while Berg is very much… of the past. I think it’s fair to say that he’s one of my many transfers that didn’t quite work out. Then again he is joining a fellow Primera Liga club, so perhaps he still has time to prove that I was wrong to let him go so easily… though I expect he’s more likely to act as a sleeper agent for when we come up against them.
And, while we’re on the centre-half merry-go-round, Iván Amaya arrives from Atletico Madrid looking strong, solid and hungry. A new challenger for Teddy Lucic to overcome? I think very perhaps.
My main focus is on signing a new midfielder or two. Looking at my squad, I feel like most positions are fairly secure: goalkeeper is sewn up for about the next decade, while my defence has just undergone a bit of development. I could do with a reserve right-back to deputise for Duff, but Nuno Mata is capable in a pinch. David Batty is arriving soon to bolster an already strong DMC position, while between Tsigalko, Samba, Dunwell and Jorge Campos, I think we’re okay up top — though I would take an experienced striker if one was available. In midfield though, beyond my starting MCs and AMCs of (say) Alonso, Sestelo, Moukoko and Lundén, I’m now looking at backups of Adolfo, Leandersson, Sissoko, and, er… well, that’s about it. Torbjorn Nilsson is already gone, as is this man…
…and while I’m delighted to see Batty arrive, and he could play in one of those MC roles if, say, Alonso wasn’t available — I don’t want to find myself relying on Mr Sideways for any significant portion of the season. He’s only going to deteriorate as time goes by, so based on this evidence, I think I’m looking at one sitting midfielder and one attacking midfielder on my “must-haves” list.
I’m knocked back for Stefan Ishizaki, Trond Fredrik Lundvigsen, Mark Kerr and Mikel Arteta in my initial attempts at shoring up my midfield… so I go nuclear with a few other, more determined bids. I need at least a midfielder before the season starts, or we’re in trouble.
Since the club is largely fan-owned, there’s only one man I have to deal with on the board: our illustrious and secretive chairman, Jose Enrique Twiddy. Since we’re pretty much filling the stadium every week but still losing money hand over fist, I ask Sr Twiddy if he could consider replacing the previously torn out seats at La Cartuja. He says he needs to ask the higher-ups, then takes his phone out and has a quick tappity-tap at the screen, which makes no sense to me since the screen is tiny — but after a short pause, he turns back to me and smiles a warm, knowing smile. I think it’s good news.
As I’m leaving, he asks me if I’m going on holiday anywhere this summer. Oh yes, Mr Twiddy, I certainly am — and I’m taking the players with me.
Our traditional pre-season tour of Wales is in the books, along with a rare trip to Europe’s premier club, Total Network Solutions — I managed to sneak our fixture in before anyone else got on their agenda. Back-patting complete, I then head back to the transfer market to try to pick out a new midfielder. We’ve got a month to get a couple of bodies in if we want to have any chance of getting a result at Recreation Park.
I offer an end-of-contract deal to Park Ji-Sung that he accepts, but there are two snags: firstly he won’t be here until December, and secondly, he’ll be down as a “Fgn” player — and I already have three of those in Tsigalko, Campos and Costanzo when he arrives in a couple of weeks. I’m not sure which of them I’d want to leave out on any given day, so I delay the transfer for a week to give myself more time.
Then, some light appears at the end of the tunnel: after endless bidding on midfielders from all over the world, I manage to get through with offers for Thomas Kahlenberg, Ariel Ortega, and a certain young man that I think you’ll all be familiar with.
Young Ronnie is actually the cheapest of the set by some margin, and although obviously nowhere near as good as Ariel Ortega, he has an awful lot of bright spots. Kahlenberg is reasonably crap now that I look again — I was just dazzled by the name and the fact that he’s a Danish U21 — so I withdraw the bid for him in order to focus on other targets. I make a couple of loan bids for an Italian midfielder, Luigi Ricco, from Piacenza who would be a great little addition if he decides to come. Dribbling 20 and Finishing 15 is exactly what I want from my sitting midfielder.
Unfortunately Ricco rejects the chance to come here on loan, but my worries are eased moments later when I finally manage to conclude a deal with Holland U21 international Rogier Molhoek, who has rather insanely found himself released on a free transfer at the end of his contract by RKC despite having all the tools to develop into one of Europe’s best MCs. He’s certainly better than Mo Sissoko, that’s for sure — sorry, Mo.
Happy that I’ve got some more steel in my midfield to deputise for Mikel Alonso when he needs a rest, I get back to my various other prospective deals. I begin negotiations for Rangers and Holland midfield general Ronald De Boer, to give Rogier someone to look up to. As usual he can’t get in the team and they’re prepared to do business at under £500k, and although his initial wage demands are high, I reckon I can argue him down. I also start bidding wars with Benfica and Millwall for Rui Balão and Diego Gavilán respectively; I don’t particularly want either, as the former is an up-and-comer who might never make it and the latter, despite having 40 caps for Paraguay, is going to cost £2.6m and I’m not actually convinced he’s any good. I’m enticed by Dribbling 20 and Off The Ball 18, but less enthused by Passing 11 and Creativity 10. Spending half my budget on a one-trick pony doesn’t feel like a sensible investment.
More disappointment follows. Free agent and Danish international forward Daniel Jensen, who I laughed all the way out of Spain after he asked for £45,000 per week, moves to Silkeborg IF on wages of — get ready for this — £1,900 per week. What a fucking chancer. I’m then told that Getafe have offered a contract to Mikel Arteta, which is confusing. He’s at Rangers, so how have they offered a contract… oh. He’s been released by Rangers on a free transfer. I must have missed it. Now I’ve got to compete with another team for his signature when I could have had a totally free run at the lad if I was paying the proper attention. Sigh. Some good news would be most welcome right about now.
Fortunately, there is some. First, I confirm the Park Ji-Sung transfer — foreign player rules be damned. We can figure it out. Then, Rui Balão agrees to come for a cut-price deal, so I agree that too: he’ll be a decent squad player in the event of an injury apocalypse.
I lean back in my chair and look out of the window. Without warning, a car pulls up at the gates of the stadium, and out of the back steps a tall, gaunt teenager with a stupid earring and even stupider blonde highlights. I call down to Susan and tell her to get an oversized shirt ready for the press. He’s here.
His usual number 7 shirt is unavailable, due to its owner being Sergio Sestelo, but that’s okay. He’s got plenty to prove before he gets that sort of reward.
Then again, he might be going straight into my starting eleven, as there’s a knock on my door a few minutes later. It’s Jonas Lundén, and he’s got a bit of a sad face on.
I don’t want to lose Jonas. I really don’t. Having said that, I’m also not going to have any moaners in my ranks, so I flaunt him in the faces of bigger boys for around £5m to see if anyone will bite. I’ve got Ronaldo, mate. If you don’t want to be here, I’ll take the money.
I have been in the market for a veteran striker to add a bit of experience to my forward line; since we lost Abreu, we’ve been a bit light up top. Dunwell, Samba, McVeigh, Tsigalko and Contreras are all available, and Tsigalko is world class, but they’re very youthful, and in some cases, not really that good. They need a mentor, someone to learn from and guide them, but keep their feet on the ground… and I’ve found just the man. In fact he’s such an adult that he picks up Mikel Arteta from the airport and gives him a lift to the training ground. Ultras — say hello to your new number nine.
Plus Mikel Arteta, he’s here too.
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