Los Coladeros, Episode 18: Undisputed

12 min readOct 23, 2019

We open today with several £250k bids for Antonio from clubs who must have bought my propaganda about him being “one of the most influential defenders in the D2B”, and I in turn go back to Greece to offer the exact same amount for Thanasis Tsikitsiris. If we can essentially swap those two players, it would be ridiculous value. Richard Smith is then the subject of two £60k bids from D2B sides who must have watched him very closely for the first six weeks of the season, and I accept them both… but there’s no time for anything to go through, because it’s pre-season friendly time. Sloga Jugomagnat are here, they’re mean, and they want to spoil our summer party. Let’s see how quickly my almost completely new team can get to know one another…

Swoon.

Ignore the fact that we were rubbish second half when I introduced most of our attacking players from last season and instead bask in the glory of Tsigalko and Abreu on the scoresheet for Los Coladeros. What a time to be alive.

And there’s even more good news after the game: Antonio’s transfer to Ceuta for £250k is confirmed, and for the same fee, we get Tsikitsiris from Xanthi. Goodbye Antonio, and welcome to Seville, the Greek lad.

Now that we’ve got the Greeks, plus Monk, Dunne and Berg, I decide to entertain offers for Johan Sjöberg, who has been my most underwhelming signing so far by some distance. A Swedish U21 international with the sort of attributes Antonio would eat live snakes for, he did nothing but miss headers and finish a whole season with 6.82 as his average rating — he was even on a 6 in that totally one-sided friendly before I hooked him. You can consider me tired of his schtick; he’s Jesus Bastida in disguise, and if anyone has a spare £1m, he can go.

Perhaps the departure of his defensive partner will speed things along. Richard Smith, momentary stalwart then rapid deteriorator, heads back to the D2B with Caudal Deportivo, and we wish him well. He’s in the twilight of his career, and perhaps he can help them stay up as one of their new star players. Thanks for being here, Smithy.

The board announce they are expecting a difficult season and want us to battle bravely against relegation, which suits me just fine. No expectations with a world-beating squad is a one-way ticket to moving into my own apartment. IFK Norrköping make a £350k bid for Sjöberg, which I negotiate up to his value, £700k — and they accept. On the same day, Torbjörn Nilsson declares that he’s having trouble adjusting to living in Spain. What a coincidence, and also a terrible lie — it’s a life of £1 beers and all the jamón you can eat. You just don’t want to be stuck with only William Leandersson for company.

He’s transfer listed as well, because although I don’t want to lose him in particular, we’re the Rainmakers. We can clearly attract top-class players from all across the world. If you don’t want to be here, you can be upgraded. I head over to my Player Search to look for a promising young midfielder, and notice that my budget is up to £3.3m, from out of nowhere! I check our balance to see that we’ve just made almost £2.8m in season ticket fees. Ultras, wherever you are… I love you. Each and every one of you.

I immediately do the one thing you’ve asked me to do most of all since I joined Los Coladeros: bid £1.9m for Andrés Iniesta. Barcelona accept, but he refuses to leave; I guess I hadn’t considered that even though the B team have just been relegated to the non-leagues, he is still technically on the books at the Camp Nou. Fair enough, I suppose. Instead, I go to Rangers and offer the same amount for Mark Kerr, who they’ve had for an entire season and only played four times. They tell me he’s an important player for the future, which sounds like bollocks, so I decide to test them with all £2.8m the Ultras have given me through their season ticket contributions. They reject that too, the total bastards. Man, it was at least meant to make them think about it.

I then get a curious offer in my inbox: Real Madrid want to play us, at La Cartuja, in a week’s time, just before we leave for our glamour tour of Wales. How can I refuse? I allow Sjöberg to leave for that £700k mentioned earlier, and later that day, Henning Berg knocks on my door to tell me he’s unhappy at the lack of squad depth. I try to explain that we’ve let 11 go and signed 10, but he doesn’t seem to care. Okay, Henning — you win. You want some more players? Fine. I’ve got my first ever warchest, and I’m not afraid to spend it.

My next stop is an attempt to upgrade our goalkeeper. You all know I love Hugo, but he does reach his limits as you go up the leagues, and I fancy Franco Costanzo from River Plate. Unfortunately he takes out a restraining order even before they accept my £1m bid, so my wandering eyes are forced to look elsewhere. My scouts then recommend a Heerenveen forward by the name of Mathias Jan Garry De Visscher, one of the longest names I’ve ever seen — presumably he wears extra large shirts. They say he’s an excellent prospect who could make an immediate impact, and at 16 years old with a value of just £230k, I’m prepared to take a punt. Bids for Abgar Barsom, Javier Mascherano, Teddy Lucic and Dionisis Chiotis all go south, but Real Sociedad eventually accept my negotiated £1.8m over 24 months offer for Mikel Alonso. I wanted Xabi from them, but he’s sadly out of my price range — though Mikel would still be a good signing. His Creativity and Passing alone will make him a great player to sit in the centre of my midfield three, and at just 22, has years to develop.

That kid with the massive name wants to be a key player, which I can’t promise. He’ll barely be a hot prospect, so that’s the end of that deal for now. I was looking for a goalkeeper, wasn’t I? Well, how about an improved £750k bid for Teddy Lucic, who only wants £1,700 a week to escape AIK? BOOM, SWISH! Behold the drawing power of the Rainmakers!

Have we got the best defence in the whole of Spain? All I know is my gut says maybe.

And it’s time to test them against Real Madrid, who arrive at La Cartuja with an okay squad, I suppose. This “Ronaldo” lad only scored six goals last season, so he’s rubbish; their best DMC plays for us; Figo, Guti, Rodrigo, Celades and Munitis are all unhappy… this should be a walkover.

Yeah… it’s a pretty eventful day. I forgot they had Raúl, who’s the main difference between the two sides, scoring twice and setting up Ronaldo for the other, but the main points to take away from this game are that we managed five shots on target against the Spanish giants and looked good for a goal; we seem to have really hurt Michel Salgado, which I feel quite bad about; and also Sebastián Abreu is an absolute psychopath, sent off for headbutting Iker Casillas after the goalkeeper pushed him in the chest, receiving a red card of his own. Tempers flare, and we lose quite comfortably. It’s been… a learning experience, let’s say. At least I know that if my team are going down, they’ll go down literally fighting.

However, a bad day is followed by some very good news. Remember I said we could do with a new keeper? Well, we’ve got one. Arguably the best one.

Yes, when my secret bids for Jose Luis Chilavert came to nothing, I turned to the next best thing. Legendary Mexican goalkeeper/striker and dizzying shirt-wearer extraordinaire Jorge Campos is at La Cartuja, probably as my new number one — and if we’re really struggling, we can always chuck him up top for the last five. I’m so happy about this.

It also seems to placate Henning Berg, who it seems was mostly concerned about our goalkeepers — and I don’t blame him. I was too, now that I think about it, and in fact, my reinforcement in that position is far from over.

Yep, for just £100k as a Decent Young Player, Antonis Voulgaris is here to understudy for Campos and Pinheiro. Great little signing, this. Sidro and Condom both go on the transfer list as a result, and right before we hop on the plane to Cardiff, I’ve got just one more piece of business to conclude…

We needed another MC, and now we’ve got one; with Nilsson talking his way out of my plans unless a sudden wave of scurvy decimates the squad, I need a creative playmaker to sit in the centre of my midfield three and sweep the ball around, while also having a bit of bite when it’s needed. Mikel Alonso has some developing to do, but he’s a big prospect to take that position and own it for many years to come.

Right then, we’re off to Wales, first stop: the Old Road, to play Briton Ferry FC. I pick my team based on their condition rather than what I think my strongest side is, since there are lots of lads running at well under 70% and I don’t want them getting injured. We should still easily have enough to put ourselves about this lot today, especially with Abreu at nearly 100% following his long rest in the bath after the Real Madrid debacle.

It’s a great start to our tour. A routine win, 3–0, and Abreu’s goal was especially glorious: Tsigalko and Moukoko combine to get the ball to Lundén, and his cross is met by the head of the Uruguayan, who pumps home to make it 2–0. I’m going to really enjoy this season.

Next up are Garden Village, a side that sound more like a novelty American restaurant than a football team. I shuffle my players around accordingly.

It’s another solid win, and a good reminder of what all my players are capable of. Abreu opens the scoring once again, but from then on, last season’s heroes take command, with Sestelo making it 2–0 before half-time and then Adolfo setting up new boy McVeigh to head home on his debut before thumping home the fourth himself. Tsigalko is incredibly unlucky not to score after having six shots on target by himself, but finding the home keeper in sparking form to deny him every time.

McVeigh is rewarded with a Northern Ireland U21 callup, and is joined by Tsigalko (Belarus U21) and Lundén (Sweden U21), plus Richard Dunne will surely be starting for Republic of Ireland against Azerbaijan and Croatia. Good job, fellas. Hopefully we’ll have a few more by the time the next international break rolls around.

Okay, next up is a trip to Rhydymwyn. While I think we’ll win this one comfortably, I do expect them to carry a consonant threat, thanks, yep, thank you.

Not a bad first half for the Greek lads…

… and not a bad second half for Sissoko, who comes on in the ten role behind Tsigalko and Abreu and completely bosses the game with a superb brace. Abreu scores the fifth, and if we stay on this goalscoring trend, we should win our first game of the season 8–0. Can’t wait.

Nice and easy. I decide to switch to the Typhoon for our next game against Holyhead Hotspurs to see how much damage we can do.

Yep, it’s another pasting. I think I might need to play Tsigalko and Abreu up front together with the way they played here. I’m also not certain what my best centre-half pairing is, but surprisingly, it appears to be the Greek lads on the evidence so far. Really hard to say though, especially against teams who aren’t giving them a lot to do back there.

A special mention must go to Mikel Alonso, who gets three assists and is unlucky not to score with two raking efforts from outside the box that are both saved by the flailing home keeper. Fortunately, our record £1.8m signing looks like he might get quite a few assists before I sell him back to Sociedad for ten times that next summer.

And so, to our final friendly against Brymbo Broughton. I decide to go with what I think might be my best team right now, apart from McVeigh who’s earned a start ahead of Abreu today. I’m still not sure what the best team is really, but regardless: we want six.

We only get half, but Tsigalko and Lundén are imperious, scoring all three goals and ripping Broughton apart. We do have nine shots on target, so we could have gotten there, but regardless: it’s been a very satisfying trip to Wales.

And so, with a whiff of old cheese and stale lager in our nostrils, it’s time for the long trip back to Seville from Cardiff via an eight-hour layover in Amsterdam. It was the best we could do.

There are two short weeks until our season opener against Terrassa, and there’s lots to think about. The transfer window has just closed, so there will be no further reinforcements — my quiet bids for other super Greeks Giannis Kalogeras, Alexandros Papadopoulos, Nikos Andrielos and Anastasios Skalidis will have to be re-negotiated and concluded in the winter. Obviously Lundén, Tsigalko and Abreu start, because they’ve shown quite clearly that they are too good to leave out — as if I didn’t know that already. Alonso has also been phenomenal in his four friendly appearances, Victory certainly starts at left-back, and I love Jorge Campos far too much to bench him, so he’ll be in ahead of Pinheiro. However, there are still question marks in my mind over both centre-back spots, right back, and the other CM position — assuming we start with the Typhoon v2 formation, which I think we will. I just can’t resist Tsigalko and Abreu up front together, and it is also notable that when Tsigalko was in AMC he did fine, but as a striker, he’s deadly. And who goes into DMC? Bergtoft should be better, but Conceição was far superior against a bunch of Welsh part-timers. There’s much to consider, and lots of time to do it while we’re stuck at Schiphol. I’m going to get myself lost in the duty free.