Los Coladeros, Episode 16: Finish Him
I’m really honestly sweating through my clothes as I prepare my team for our return to La Cartuja to play Jaén in the most crucial game we’ve ever had: one that could see us either put ourselves squarely in the driving seat of the promotion car, or get dragged along behind it from a rope tied to the bumper.
We’ve been on the road for three games on the trot for the first time, the longest we’ve ever been away from Sevilla, and coming home is energising. Chugger had to be pushed the last 13 miles or so, and everyone’s a little more tired than I’d like, but still… there’s something special in the air here. I arrive at the stadium on game day at 10am, and the Ultras are already milling around the ground, nervously clutching their cañas and raising them to greet me as I step out of the cab and make my way inside. They’ve been so incredible to me, and all of us, throughout this adventure so far. They’ve followed us everywhere, for thousands of miles, no matter what. We have to get promoted. We owe them.
Adolfo replaces Sissoko, but that’s it. Otherwise, we’re unchanged. We have destiny in our path. Jamie Victory leads the players out onto the perfect turf at La Cartuja with a gleam in his eye. It will be either us or Jaén that get promoted this season, and though there’s one more game to play after this one that could still decide everything… we need to make a statement. It’s gunslingers vs gunslingers. Do or die. We are Los Coladeros, the Rainmakers, the Stormbringers. Let’s bring a little thunder.
I almost can’t watch as the game gets underway and we’re straight into the action. Pinheiro punches a corner away, then Sestelo shoots from range into the crowd behind the goal. A Jaén corner floats over, Astrain finds Guede, who goes back to Astrain, but bloody Francisco Cobo nicks the ball from him and smashes it downfield. What a selection he’s been. Trustfull heads it on to Jaime who’s made a forward run ahead of him. He looks up and swings a deep cross into the box, Dunwell chests the ball into the air, and goes for an overhead kick!! Horribly wide. Out for a throw in, in fact. Keep going, Dunny! Next time, son! God, I hope he doesn’t do that again.
Sestelo misses the target with a header. Victory shoots over the bar. Astrain and Currás combine but Victory crunches through them and takes the ball away. Dunwell crosses for Nilsson who can only head over the bar. I’m so tense that my knees are aching just from sitting down, but we’re on top here. We are definitely getting the better of this.
Another ball flies into the box. Nilsson is underneath it again, and rises to head goalwards… but he’s barged in the back, and to the ground! Romero the offender! Surely a penalty!! The referee says no… BUT THE LINESMAN IS FLAGGING! Ref! It’s a penalty! Penalty ref! The referee consults with his assistant… STILL NO PENALTY! OF COURSE! WHY EVEN HAVE ASSISTANTS IF YOU IGNORE THEM! CURSE YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!
Guede takes the ball away and runs at Karl Ready. My sweaty fingers are clamped over my eyes. Guede puts the ball into the box, Jaime heads away, Currás gathers the loose ball, and strikes low from the edge of the box through the crowd — it’s past Pinheiro. It’s in. It’s 1–0 Jaén. From our penalty appeal being turned down directly to the other end, and totally against the run of play, we’re 1–0 down with just moments to spare before half time. I launch my Mai Tai across the dugout and storm off for a walk. I need to compose myself. We are being actively robbed of promotion.
It’s time to go for it. Attack mode. All out attack mode. Engage thrusters. Raise shields. Charge weapons. I’ve had enough of this shit. If we’re going out, we’re going out absolutely swinging. Adolfo and Nilsson are given orders to meet Dunwell as forwards whenever we have the ball. My full-backs are told to push right up into winger positions. Everyone shoots from everywhere, all the time. Let’s do this.
Dunwell chips the ball to Ready, who slides the ball to Cobo at right-back. Astrain goes through Cobo like… a train, I suppose, but Jaime subtly stamps on him as he collects the loose ball and breaks through midfield towards the Jaén penalty area. He plays a one-two with Sestelo and finds himself on the edge of the box — Jaime crosses, it’s high, it’s over Dunwell, the keeper should claim… but Adolfo challenges him! He climbs above the goalkeeper! ADOLFO!! GOL! GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL! GOAL ADOLFO!! IT’S 1–1! WE’RE BACK IN IT!!
Jaén move to a similar attacking stance but we are like coiled springs going off in their faces, and there’s nothing they can do. Their goalkeeper, Raúl, goes down at Nilsson’s feet a few minutes later, then finds himself forced to punch away a Sestelo cross that’s whipping into his top corner. Astrain puts a shot wide for Jaén before Victory puts a free kick over the bar, then Dunwell smashes a low shot that Raúl tips wide. We’re on top again, pushing for the winner; Victory puts over a corner, Raúl punches clear, but only back to Victory. He takes a touch, whips another ball into the box, and Raúl fumbles it! The ball is loose — and it drops to Dunwell! MICHAEL DUNWELL’S DIVING HEADER! HNNNGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL COLADEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOS!! An absolute shocker from Raúl who makes a hash of the catch, but who cares — we’re winning!
Right then lads, everything I said about attack, forget that, it’s time for the opposite. Everyone stay back! Guard the goal with your lives! Ready, you’re off for Sjöberg because I’d rather have a hand grenade at centre half! COME ON LADS! Just ten minutes to go!!
Javi Cárcaba comes on for Trustfull to sit in the centre and cause trouble, and it’s an inspired change. Pinheiro has one save to make, pushing away a rangy Carlos Torres strike, but Javi makes two key tackles in his 15 minute cameo, and when the referee’s full-time whistle sounds, every single man, woman and child in La Cartuja erupts. The players drop to the ground, exhausted, but elated. I’m going to need to sleep for weeks after this is all said and done. The important thing, though, is this: we’ve beaten Jaén at home. We are top of our group with one game to play, and we’re just a single point away from promotion. It’s in our hands. We’re going all the way. WE’VE GOT THIS.
News comes in from Group C that our ‘friends’ from the D2B3, Nástic, have won promotion to the Segunda Division next season. Yes, despite finishing a distant third to us, they’ve gone up in a group that contained D2B4 winners AD Ceuta, who only conceded 17 goals over the entire 38-game regular league campaign, but then went on to concede another 12 in just 5 post-season matches. What a collapse from them, and what a result for Nástic, who I can’t wait to smash many, many goals past next season if we round this off with promotion.
And with that said, we turn our attention back to Logroñés, our final visitors to Sevilla this season, and the team we’ve bested most easily in this post-season mini-league. Admittedly they did have ten men for almost the whole contest, but still: all we need is another performance today like the one we put in against them last time out, and promotion will surely be ours.
We remain the same for this one — I ain’t changing nothing. I believe in these players. Oh, Tarkan is fit again? Okay, Tarkan is in at right back, but otherwise, I ain’t changing nothing. Oh yeah, and Sjöberg for Ready as well, Karl Ready is rubbish. Right, so other than those two changes, we go again, same as before. I believe in… most of these players. We’ve got one foot in the Second Division. Let’s f — king do this.
Jaime crosses into the box in the opening minutes for Dunwell to head goalwards, but it’s simply the first action of the half for Juan Carlos in the Logroñés nets. Victory’s corner is headed away, Coco beats Jaime in the air, and the away side are off on the counter attack. They retain the ball for a while, passing and probing around the edge of our box, and then suddenly, they strike: Alex lays the ball off for Mata, who plays a first-time ball through for hitman Dani Bouzas — he’s clear of our defence — Bouzas shoots! Goal Logroñés! With their first chance of the game, 13 minutes gone, Logroñés have scored and we’re 1–0 down at home yet again. I glance at the live league table on the teletext-enabled TV I’ve had wheeled to my dugout, and my worst fear is confirmed. Jaén are winning at the Playas. They’ve gone top. We’re down to second.
I try to rouse my players with a bit of arm-wheeling, my tie whipping into my face and making me look ridiculous every time I try it — and fortunately, it seems to distract the Logroñés players. Adolfo heads down for Victory, he strikes from range, Juan Carlos parries it, but Nilsson follows in! NILSSON SHOOTS FOR THE TOP CORNER!! OH MY GOD CARLOS SAVES IT. A miracle of a double-save by Juan Carlos, who rises from the dead to block Nilsson’s rebound effort — but it’s still in play! Nilsson keeps going! NILSSON! YES! GOAL! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL COLADEROS! Nilsson never stops, and he finally stabs the ball home to level the game, and put us within distance of the point we need for promotion!
Nilsson’s goal puts him on another plane to the rest of the men on the field; he’s like a celestial being commanding the match with gentle swipes of his right boot. He sets up Adolfo, then Sestelo, who both shoot wide, then takes the ball down in midfield and glides past three Logroñés players like they’re statues. He gives the ball to Mustafa, who crosses to Adolfo, he’s tackled, but the ball falls to Sestelo, who tries to go past Juan Carlos — and the keeper clips him! REFEREE! YES! It’s finally a penalty to the Rainmakers… AND JUAN CARLOS IS SENT OFF! Their sub keeper Dominguez comes on, I try to see if he’s any good, but he’s… unclickable. Wait a minute… Logroñés don’t have another keeper?! Their goalkeeper is grey! He’s not real! He’s a ghost! Jamie Victory places the ball down on the spot… AND BLASTS IT STRAIGHT THROUGH HIS CHEST! IT’S 2–1 TO THE STORMBRINGERS, AND WE’RE A MAN UP WITH AN HOUR TO GO!
As you can expect, it’s all us from that point on. Logroñés almost equalise through that man Dani Bouzas; Adolfo and Dunwell both have big chances that they put wide at the other end — but right on the stroke of half time, our Player of the Year-Elect pops up to surely grab us promotion. He won the penalty, and now Sergio Sestelo latches onto an Adolfo cross to turn the ball past Dominguez and in for 3–1 at half time, his 33rd goal of an incredible season.
The second half is an exhibition for our wonderful Ultras. The spectral Dominguez is Logroñés’ best player in goal, keeping out Dunwell, Sestelo, Adolfo, Smith, Sjöberg and Trustfull in an unbelievable second-half display, but with the away side down to ten men, they can’t do anything at our end, and are powerless to stop us from romping home with the win, the title, and PROMOTION TO THE SECOND DIVISION! It’s finally over! I’m going to sit in a hot bath for a week! Susan — can I come to yours? There isn’t a bath at the stadium.
We’re going up! I can hardly believe it. I mean, I can totally believe it based on the regular league season we had, but dios mio, that little mini-league thing was brutal at the end. I really didn’t think we were going to make it when we lost that first game against Jaén, and while I was disappointed at having to stay in the D2B for another year, I was also secretly excited at the prospect of Maxim Tsigalko scoring about 100 goals by himself. Oh well — he’ll just have to do the same at the dizzy heights of the Second Division proper.
And you know what, speaking of Maxim… the season has gone on for so long that it’s almost transfer window time. Before the new players arrive, we ought to do a quick Player of the Year vote. This term, I think there are three guys who deserve spots in the poll: Sergio Sestelo, Michael Dunwell, and Jamie Victory. Honourable mentions go to the superb seasons of Tarkan Mustafa, Torbjörn Nilsson and Adolfo, who were all instrumental in getting us to where we are, but for me, Clive, those top three lads were the outstanding performers. Head over to my Twitter, and place your bets now!
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