Los Coladeros, Episode 12: Intercambio
We’ve got a tough run of games coming up that could define our season. We’ve been better recently, especially with Hugo Pinheiro remembering that he’s meant to stop the ball going past him, so I should have no fears as we prepare to welcome Gramenet to the cauldron of La Cartuja… but even still, my worries about how often we concede haunt me. It’s difficult enough to sleep on several piles of photocopier paper under a desk, but now that we’re 11 games without a clean sheet — our last one was on December 9th, and it’s March — it’s next to impossible. We’re always just a Sjöberg brainfart or a Pinheiro flap away from losing games we should be winning. On the other hand… we are Los Coladeros. Conceding goals is kind of our thing. We just need to focus on bringing the thunder, scoring more than everyone else, and hoping the rest takes care of itself.
Even still, my team for our game against the side lying 5th in the league, just outside the promotion playoff places, is one you’ll recognise. All the names are familiar, with the only changes coming on the bench: Leandersson has picked up a training injury and Eduardo Benito is a bit rubbish, so I give way to pressure I’ve created in my own mind and give Mo Sissoko his first spot in el banco alongside the returning Lio Tarachalski. If we need more firepower as this one goes on, we can always put Sergio and Adolfo up front with Dunny.
Gramenet’s attacking trident of Caballero, Jiménez and top scorer Matute give us problems from the first whistle, and both Sjöberg and Pinheiro have to be alert to throw themselves in the way of efforts from all three around edges of our box. In fact, the entire opening 20 minutes are dominated by our opponents yet again, and just as I think we’re going to weather the storm… our leaky bottom comes into play once more. Matute breaks our lines and shoots, Pinheiro saves, Jiménez follows up and Pinheiro saves again — but Caballero finds Emiliano, who squares back to Jiménez and he makes no mistake with his second shot, a ferocious right-footed strike that almost breaks the net from close range and puts us 1–0 down. At least we’re consistent.
While Gramenet are celebrating, Orlando Trustfull goes down with an injury and is forced to come off — so I decide to go with the bravest available change and tell young Mo Sissoko he’s being chucked in at the deep end. Nilsson goes into the centre and the Frenchman enters on the left of my midfield three with 70 minutes to go, with his new side a goal down and desperately in need of some creativity. No pressure.
Luckily, we still have Adolfo on the pitch, who gathers the ball a few minutes later and finds Tarkan Mustafa on the right. He turns on his afterburners and rockets down the right flank, eventually digging out a cross into the area that Sergio Sestelo meets with a flying header that pings past Morales and in to bring the score back to 1–1! And with the next action of the game, Sestelo finds Sissoko, he plays a simple pass to Dunwell, and young Michael goes on a ridiculous run that sees him beat Kiku, take a return pass from Nilsson, then jink past the Gramenet centre-halves and wallop a shot into the top corner to turn the game on its head, and catapult us into a lead we barely deserve!
At this point, we’ve had just two shots on target to their five but find ourselves 2–1 up — so even though we’re living up to our name with all the goals we keep letting in, at least we’ve put that little trend on its arse for the time being. And in fact, the rest of the half is mostly silver and blue, with Sissoko collecting a debut yellow card for apparently nothing and Michael Dunwell tormenting the visiting defence but without managing to pierce the sheets further — so after plenty of action and, you know, some degree of ability, we reach the break 2–1 to the good.
The second half starts with Smith and Sjöberg exchanging passes in a wonderful display of piss-takery at the back, with the ball eventually finding its way to Jaime. He looks up, and sweeps a pass over the Gramenet defence and through to Dunwell, who’s picked up where he left off in the first half! Dunwell shoots!! Hnnnnnngooooooooooooooooooooooooollll Dunweeeelll! It’s 3–1 to the Rainmakers, all our shots on target are going in, and all is well in the world once again.
Ten minutes later it’s 3–2, and all is terrible everywhere forever. Hugo Pinheiro, having played so well throughout the game, is caught in two minds as Caballero crosses into the box, and ends up flapping the ball through his boyish wrists, leaving part-time word processor Pagés to nod home his second goal against us this season, and reduce the score back to a nervy 3–2 with half an hour to go.
Fortunately for us, visiting keeper Alberto Morales is having the sort of game we’ve come to expect in the home nets at La Cartuja, and in two stunning minutes, he’s fumbled two more goals into his own net. Firstly, Adolfo hits a low shot from a Sestelo pass that squeaks in for 4–2, then straight from kick off, Mustafa and Victory exchange hollywood passes from one side of the pitch to the other, which ends in a ridiculous long-range blockbuster from Tarkan that flies past Morales for 5–2, our new favourite scoreline. The last half an hour is a whitewash, our opponents are bested, and my goodness, we’re letting a lot of goals in… but we’re scoring even more. That’s what Los Coladeros are all about.
Post-match, Atletico Madrid make a £2m offer for Jaime, our loanee DMC who’s been a revelation in the Destroyer role — and it’s accepted. Fortunately the Spanish transfer window is shut so we still get to keep him until the end of the season, but we’re now the proud owners of a former Real Madrid and future Atletico Madrid enforcer… for a bit.
And speaking of defensive midfielders moving around suddenly and without warning, Germinal Beerschot swoop in with a £550k bid for Lassina Diabaté. I gratefully tell them I want £750k or they can sod off, they fax back “Zeker!” which seems enthusiastic enough to mean yes even though I don’t speak any of the three languages they do, and while I’m waiting for everything to go through, Susan reminds me that we’re meant to already be in Catalonia for our next game against 7th-placed Lleida. Grumbling to myself, I gather the players on Chugger and we hit the road, with my starting team a big question mark now that Lassina is probably leaving us.
I was going to start him in the middle of my midfield three, since Orlando is injured for three weeks following his ankle sprain against Gramenet, but with his attention elsewhere (plus his physical body in Seville because I’ve left him at the training ground), I feel forced to give someone else a shot. I want to make a bold move and put Mo Sissoko in there, after getting an 8 as a sub last time out — but his fitness is down at 78% after his exertions, and he needs a rest. It would have been a big gamble, but instead, the newly-fit William Leandersson takes up his spot in my midfield. He’s not great either, in all honesty, but if you can’t trust your kids, why have you signed them? Because you might be able to make a load of money from selling them on later? How dare you accuse me of such a brilliant idea.
It’s a very quiet opening half hour that has all the energy of a Sunday league game between two teams who were out on the lash a little too late the night before. However, as the clock ticks over 30, everyone’s morning cortados kick in and the game springs into life. Unfortunately, that initially involves us going a goal down yet again, as Lleida forward Nano goes on a blistering run that sees him beat Sjöberg and Smith on his way to rounding Pinheiro and laying the ball on a plate for strike partner Patri, who’s deadly from six inches and taps into an empty net to give the home side the lead. However, your Coladeros are always dangerous going the other way, and from kick-off, the balance is redressed: Jaime lofts a ball forward, Dunwell heads down to Victory, his thunderbolt is pushed away by home keeper Busquets, but William Leandersson celebrates his return to the starting lineup by smashing home the equaliser, and his first ever goal for the Rainmakers!
So, from a drab 0–0 on 31 minutes to a blistering 1–1 encounter by 37 — and we’re only just warming up at the Camp d’Esports. Despite putting Jaime and Nilsson on man-marking duties to try to close down Braulio and Vates in the Lleida midfield, the two continue to tear us apart like a cheap shopping bag. Only heroics from Pinheiro prevent Braulio restoring Lleida’s lead, but suddenly, we break: Hugo launches a long throw to Sestelo, who finds Adolfo first time. He exchanges passes with Leandersson to triangle his way into the box, ghosts past Vates, and drills a low cross through the Corridor of Uncertainty™ where Michael Dunwell has just put down a deposit on an apartment, and he slides home past Busquets to give us the lead for the first time in the game!
It’s 2–1 to the good guys and it’s the 45th minute, but rather than doing the right thing and blowing the half-time whistle, cretinous referee Simón del Pino lets Lleida kick off. Nano takes the ball, dribbles round Jaime, Sjöberg and Smith, and wonks a low drive that beats Pinheiro and brings the scores back to 2–2. I just… I can’t believe what I’m seeing these last two games. It’s peak Coladeros.
For almost forty minutes, the second half is a return to the start of the first: two leggy teams with no thrust or invention breathing last night’s Cruzcampo all over each other and wondering what to have for lunch. It’s the 80th minute before my players finally try to nick the winner, only to see Busquets roll back the years to pull out a stupendous double-save from Dunwell and then Sestelo on the follow-up, before Sergio pings a shot off the post from just outside the area with five minutes left. The board goes up for added time, I’m content with a draw I suppose, considering that we’re away, and just as I’m deciding which jamón to open first when I return to La Cartuja, Javier Urrutia dances past Mustafa, then Sjöberg, then Smith, cuts the ball back from the byline, and with Nilsson nowhere to be seen, the man he’s meant to be marking, Braulio, trots into our area and side-foots home the winner with the last kick of the game.
With my two centre backs at clear fault for every goal, we’ve been sucker punched in Catalonia, and coupled with Burgos’s fantastic win over rivals Hospitalet to leapfrog them into second, we’re now just two points clear at the top — and looking leakier than ever.
So, I suppose it’s good to know that we’ve got another defensive reinforcement coming in the summer. Elfsborg’s relegation has left an entire squad of really decent players available for embarrassingly cheap release fees, and Daniel Ung is a significant upgrade on Francisco Cobo — my sub RB, remember him? — and might even replace Tarkan as we go up the leagues and the quality of our opponents improves. I may have to consider returning to a flat back four as well, especially after that last defeat… my centre-halves are getting too exposed for my liking. It’s something to think about, for sure.
You might argue that considering the goals we’ve been conceding, this wouldn’t be the time to sell one of your DMCs… but Germinal Beerschot agree terms for Diabaté, and he’s able to leave immediately due to their lack of a transfer window. I’m tempted not to do it, but after three or four really intense seconds, I confirm the move. We are officially moneyed.
Sadly, before there’s time for me to blow it all on Cristiano Ronaldo, bloody Castellón are here to try to build on the 3–3 draw they forced on us back in November. You might remember their super-sub, Chito, who came off the bench to set up one and score the 90th minute equaliser that condemned us to a draw that sent me spiralling into the depths of a fantastic bender that led me to pints of beer with shots of tequila in them for €2.20… I mean, it was a good night, but two extra points would have been far better the next morning. FAR better.
Lining up for this one becomes especially tricky when Jaime emerges from 25 minutes in the bathroom on the morning of the game complaining about a strained wrist. Not wanting to ask too many questions, I send an unfortunate cleaner to sort out the mess and accept his misdemeanour by plopping him on the bench and restoring the long-lost Javi Cárcaba to the starting lineup. I also decide, after 13 games without a clean sheet and 22 goals conceded in that time, that despite being Los Coladeros we should probably try to reduce that… slightly. To address it, I abandon the Typhoon and pull my two wing backs into a back four for the first time to see if it makes any difference. With a name like The Diamond, I don’t see how it can possibly fail.
Jamie Victory is doing his thing from the first whistle, weaving his way down the left flank and throwing bombs into the box that are greeted by Adolfo and Dunwell — but Vincente Valero in the Castellón nets is in no mood to concede an early goal, and he denies them both with fabulous saves to keep the scores at zero. Down the other end, I’m as surprised as you are to see Pinheiro parry a Pinilla header on target out for a corner, then punch the resulting set piece out to the half-way line in a display of confidence I didn’t realise he had in him.
However, this display of defiance can only ever last so long in a Colderos fixture, and with half an hour on the clock, the rain finally arrives: Adolfo wins a free kick on the left, Victory performs his usual party trick of drilling it straight into the forehead of some poor sucker in the wall, but in a stunning return to form that nobody at La Cartuja has witnessed for many months, Richard bloody Smith catches the looping ball on the volley and drives a shot low past Valero and in for 1–0 to the Rainmakers! It’s a trademark Smithy strike, and we’ve got our noses in front!
It makes a nice change to score first, though Castellón do their best to spoil the party through Chito and Pinilla, but Pinheiro, in a continuing and shocking display of competence, beats both their efforts away with aplomb — and when Tarkan Mustafa collects one of his saves, races down the right and crosses to Michael Dunwell, there can surely only be one outcome — Valero saves his header — but Dunwell follows it in! DUNWELL! SAVED by Valero again!! Unbelievable — but the ball is loose! Sestelo has had enough of this shit! SERGIO SESTELO! GOL GOL GOL GOL GOOOOOOOOOL COLADEROSSSS! It’s 2–0 to the Stormbringers before half time!!
We manage a couple more chances before the break, both going off-target, while Castellón continue to really test Pinheiro at our end — and he stands up to the challenge superbly, tipping one rasping shot over the bar and pushing another round the post as we enter the final seconds of the first half. Edu Garcia runs up to take it, Quero beats Mustafa in the air and pumps his header past Hugo, our mammoth finally beaten, and after some uncharacteristically stern resistance, our customary concession is in the history books. 2–1, the half time whistle goes, and blimey, what a first half the Ultras have witnessed here.
I wish I could say the same about the second, but with everyone obviously exhausted from their efforts in the opening 45, the remainder of the game is a much quieter affair. The most notable action is a straight red card for Castellón’s Paco Mjie, who brutally and unforgivably shoves Michael Dunwell over as he’s marauding towards goal — but we only get a free kick that comes to nothing. In fact, each keeper is only asked to make one further save each, Pinheiro from Quero on the hour mark and Valero spectacularly from Nilsson’s volley as the game is winding towards its conclusion. In the end though, the second half pretty much drifts by, and I’m delighted to see us not only win, but only concede one goal. For Los Coladeros, that represents progress.
Post-match, there’s excellent news from elsewhere: second-placed Burgos barely escape from Reus with a 3–3 draw after being 2–0 and 3–1 down during the game; Hospitalet’s claws have been well and truly clipped as they labour to a 0–0 home draw against 19th-placed Valencia B, and Nástic go down 1–0 at home to Sabadell. The upshot of all that is our nearest rivals have dropped points on a day where we’ve pulled out an excellent win, our lead is extended at the top of the table, and I’ve agreed terms with a new friend for Marius Condom. I’m excited.
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