Diamond Geezers, Episode 91: Miracle on Diamond Drive
We fight like younger men, with nothing held back. Admirable… but foolish. Our gung-ho approach has led us to the promised land, and we’ve had a phenomenal maiden voyage down the fast-moving rapids of the Premier League, but now, we hover at the edge of a waterfall. Manchester United have won their game in hand, leaving us 12 points behind them with 12 games to play — any hopes of a title challenge are surely over. We can try valiantly to hunt them down, but we’re relying on them slipping over this precipice before we do, and somehow, I don’t think Ottmar Hitzfeld’s side are going to do that. And besides, we need to win every game between now and the end to even have a prayer of doing the impossible, and we aren’t exactly set up to do that right now. Three consecutive defeats in all competitions is something that I don’t think has happened to me since I took over at Nene Park all those years ago. I’m not used to this. I was not born in the dark; I have merely adopted it. And I need to figure out how to escape.
The last thing I need is to see the Tottenham Hotspur team bus roll up at Nene Park. Spurs are a fairly disappointing 11th in the Premier League despite boasting a cabal of vicious attacking players such as Stefan Selakovic, Steffen Iversen and Sergei Rebrov. Sean Davis and Kevin Nolan are like two cinder blocks in central midfield, and Chris Perry continues to provide a formidable natural barrier in their back three. They have just sold GK Michael Oakes to Aston Villa and their second choice, Mark Goodlad, is injured, so the youthful inexperience of someone called Glenn Schön will pick up the gloves for them today — but I’m not reading into it. We’ve just lost consecutive league games to the sides 9th and 10th in the division and been happy-slapped twice by almost-relegated Fulham, so won’t be taking anything for granted ever again. We are in serious danger of slipping over that waterfall, and I haven’t brought my arm bands.
I decide to make a tweak to my formation. Our last three games have really rattled me, especially the ease with which opposing teams are creating chances against us, plus I’ve long wondered why I can’t get all three of my CMs to actually have decent games together — so I try to brutally murder two birds with my bare hands. Instead of one overpowered DMC, we’re going to have two: Paulo Sousa is pulled back from CM and will line up alongside Marcel Mahouvé in front of my back four, but with individual instructions that allow him to make forward runs and generally have more attacking ambition. Bubb and Deco seem like they should be good midfield colleagues, so they’ll support my strikers as a pair — and Meysam Javan will remain in the team alongside Azar Karadas. He was one of the few lights in the darkness of that 3–0 drubbing by Birmingham, at least hitting the target with some shots, which to be honest is more than João Paiva has done for us lately. I really, really, really hope this works, and if it doesn’t… at least my dugout drinks cabinet is within arm’s length.
We start brightly, with a Deco shot deflecting off Sean Davis and behind in the third minute. The Magic Man himself trots over to take the corner, which he plays short and gets back from Sousa. He drills the return pass into the six yard box, towards Karadas — the Black Stone has no space between Tottenham’s towering centre halves, but he does just enough to nick the ball across to Meysam Javan at the far post — JAVAN!! GOAL! Six minutes into my new formation, Meysam Javan has popped up to give us the lead!
Byron Bubb is booked a minute later, and then the game opens right up. Chiotis parries a Rebrov header wide and Carragher clears the resulting corner; Mahouvé crosses for Karadas to put a header of his own just over the bar; Selakovic finds Rebrov in the box but his high shot is caught by Chiotis. We are literally exchanging chances, and we’re only 12 minutes into the game — it’s dangerous stuff. However, after that save from Dion, it’s our turn again: he bowls out to Deco, who hits long towards Javan. He sets off towards goal, skipping past Thomas Gaardsøe and bearing down on the penalty area. Still 25 yards out, Javan looks up, looks down, puts his head over the ball and thumps an absolute piledriver towards goal — Schön is rooted to the spot! GOOOOOAAAAALLLL! Meysam Javan is scoring rangy thunderbolts, we’re 2–0 up at home and seriously riding our luck — it’s just like old times. This is an incredible tonic for those last three defeats. I’m so happy and relieved that nothing can bring me down.
Except for one thing. Steffen Iversen, never known for his acceleration, pace, flair or dribbling, sets off on a run towards my back four. I expect we’ll deal with it even after he rounds Chris Barker and advances on our goal. However, before either of my centre-backs can introduce him to the fine staff of the St John’s Ambulance, he pulls a Meysam and hits a crashing drive that Dion can only watch fly past him and in to reduce our lead: 22 minutes gone, and we’re back to 2–1. Why can’t we just have a nice, peaceful afternoon? My therapist is going to start charging extra at this rate.
After that, we’re back to basketball. Deco hits a volley that Schön saves, then Rebrov hits the base of the post with a header from a Sean Davis cross. Davis then throws himself in the way of a Karadas shot from the edge of the area, before Deco tests Schön again — and he claws a curling strike out of the top corner. Just as we’re edging into the ascendency, the half-time whistle goes, but I’m not disappointed. We’ve been getting pulled apart recently and haven’t scored a single goal in our last three outings, so to have two against Spurs at half time is like waking up on a cold morning and pulling on some jeans that have been on the radiator all night. We just need to not piss ourselves, and everything will be okay.
The start of the second half is all us as we pick up where we left off in the first. Schön smothers a loose ball before a wonderful team move results in Mahouvé forcing the Spurs keeper to collect under pressure from Javan. I bring on Jamie Victory for the disappointing Chris Barker at left-back, Chiotis then makes two flying saves from Iversen and Davis, and just as we could do with some added steel to consolidate our lead, Paulo Sousa has to go off injured. I bring on De Boer, who gathers the ball straight away and feeds it left to Victory. He runs at the Spurs defence, tries to get past Dean Richards — but Richards launches into him with a two-footed tackle! He’s got to go! Graham Poll races over… and it’s a red card!! Richards is off!
Spurs are down to ten men with only eight minutes left, and we take advantage. Deco takes a free kick short to Mahouvé, who shrugs off the chip on his shoulder to power past Gaardsøe and put a cross into the area — and guess who’s there? It’s Meysam Javan, who rises above Schön to head home his hat-trick goal just before the final whistle! Our former POTY and all-time record goalscorer sprints over to the Peter De Banke Terrace and folds his arms in front of them in celebration — the Rushden Ultras are going wild in the stands! Look who’s back!
It’s a fabulous win, just the tonic I needed after emptying my drinks globe following those three consecutive losses. We’ve arrested the slide, and with Boro going down 3–1 to Aston Villa, we return to second place in the Premier League. Still 12 points back from the runaway Manchester United train, but at this point, I want to both push them all the way and get ourselves seeded for next season’s Champions League. This is an excellent start.
I have noted that my full-backs haven’t been great recently. It’s been clear for all to see that opposition wingers are more influential on our games than ever before because my wide men aren’t stopping them. It’s hard to doubt Mike Duff, who’s surely just having a bit of the blues, but while Chris Barker is very decent at left-back and has been a phenomenal bargain hunt, I think next season might call for a properly world-class left back that he can play understudy to. I perch myself on the edge of my desk chair, the only part I feel comfortable sitting on any more, and check in with my Player Search just in case anyone new has popped up over the last week. And my goodness, they have — but not in the position I was looking for.
Fernando Torres has been shunted down into Atletico Madrid’s B team and is on my Interested list for £4.9m. I have a transfer budget of £5.5m, but as a club, we have over £16m in the bank, so I can safely splurge all my available cash without the fear of running our finances into the ground. Since he’s been relegated to the stiffs, I chance my arm and push a very cheeky £2.5m in their direction. Their response is… surprising.
You only want £3m for… Fernando Torres? I try to remain calm as I call Atleti chairman Jesús Gil and tell him that it’s a bit steep, but if he’ll let us spread it over 24 months, I’ll see what I can do. He accepts immediately, and a few hours later, I get a fax from Fernando’s agent with his demands. They’re not too high, considering that Nicolas Anelka wanted £70,000 per week, but I don’t like his signing on bonus, so I shakily try to negotiate them down. This is ridiculous.
So ridiculous, actually, that I’m completely distracted from the fact that we’re meant to be on the road to play arguably our biggest game of the season. Craven Cottage is the venue, and a place in the League Cup Final is at stake: it’s time for our semi-final second leg against Fulham. I’m sure you’ll remember that we’re 2–0 down from the first game, having found out that the Cottagers are our bogey team just in time to lose two games by an aggregate score of 6–0. Today, we not only seek revenge, but we will need to overturn a two-goal deficit if we’re to have any hope of seeing the verdant turf of the Millennium Stadium.
However, I will stay true to my word and play my second string players for this one. They got us this far, and okay, they got turned over in the last game, but they should be given the chance to put it right. We’ll continue with my new 4–2–2–2 formation, with Jamie Victory given the opportunity to do pretty much anything other than what he’s been offering over the last year or so in the more aggressive DMC spot alongside the tough-tackling Rhys Weston. That means Daniel Talbot is at left-back after an injury to Danny Granville, Farnerud and De Boer can have a go in CM since both Hysén and Källström are injured, and Sam Parkin will play up top with João Paiva, who’s got a whole lot more proving of himself to do now that I’m negotiating terms with Fernando Torres. I plop Samba and Earnshaw on the bench just in case we need to chase this game, which considering how the last two matches have gone against Fulham, I fully expect.
18 tense minutes go by with no commentary and I’m leaking fluids from every part of my body. Then, Daniel Talbot shows how well he’s progressing by randomly pulling up with an injury, and I’m forced to make a change. With no LB on the bench, but Jamie Victory already on the pitch, I put Jamie Davies into the roaming playmaker position and dump Victory out to left back. It doesn’t work; Fulham are suddenly all over us, and only three saves from Chiotis keep us alive in the tie. As a result, I realise that being defensive is a waste of time, and instead shift everyone forward except Weston. We’re now playing 4–1–2–2–1 with Paiva withdrawn into AMC alongside Farnerud, and it pays some dividends: we stem the Fulham tide, but can’t quite break through enough to trouble Rhys Evans in any meaningful way. Both teams jab at each other like drunkards in the street until the mercy of the half-time whistle takes us back to the changing rooms.
I make another change. De Boer is absent, so he’s hooked for Rob Earnshaw, and we go nuclear. Let’s have it.
It’s unbelievable. The first 15 minutes of the second half is a siege on the Fulham penalty area, but we aren’t playing against eleven footballers — we’re playing against ten and one last action hero in Rhys Evans, who is completely impenetrable in nets for the Cottagers. First, he punches away a dangerous Farnerud cross, which falls to Paiva. He squares to Rob Earnshaw, who shoots for the top corner, but Evans parries it — the ball drops, Victory has thundered into the area, but Evans gets up to push his rebound drive over the bar. It’s an impossible world-class double-save from the keeper, who’s at it again just minutes later: Paiva goes wide to Dixon, who centres for Sam Parkin, and his header is destined for the far corner until Evans shoots out a hand and tips it wide. Farnerud gathers the cleared corner and makes tracks down the right — he crosses, and Paiva hits a blockbuster from the edge of the box! EVANS PUSHES IT AWAY AGAIN!
It’s an outrageous display from the young English keeper, and it makes my heart sink. My players have done so well today, completely outplaying the Cottagers in every area until the last ten minutes, by which point I’ve gone to five up front and two at the back. Naturally that leaves Papoutsis and Rosário heavily outnumbered, and they can’t stop Dugarry and Bassir getting efforts on Dion’s goal, but he saves them, and we’re forced to watch the referee raise his whistle to his lips and put us out of our misery. We came, we saw, we were plonkers in the first leg, and we’re out of the League Cup at the semi final stage. I’m not disheartened, though. I’m proud of the lads for the way they went after Fulham today. I just hope we can slap the same kind of cojones down on the table when we return to the Premier League.
The players are at least feeling good after the way they applied themselves, which is going to be vital for our next game: Manchester United at Old Trafford. That’s our real cup final. And with Meysam Javan and João Paiva only having scored 17 goals in 53 games between them in the Premier League, it’s clear we are going to need some extra firepower if we’re ever going to catch the runaway champions-elect.
Fortunately, we’ve got Djibril Cissé arriving in June, Azar Karadas looks pretty comfortable at the top table… and a flight has just landed at Manchester Airport with some extremely precious cargo. Susan? Can we swing by and pick my new best friend up on the way past? We’re going to need him…
If you’re enjoying Diamond Geezers, please consider clicking and holding the Clap button to recommend the series. It really helps! Thank you ❤
