Diamond Geezers, Episode 89: El Magico
New Year, new me. That’s the sort of thing people say, isn’t it? Well, I’m not buying it. While there might be a spike in gym memberships all over the world on January 1st, we’re back to the same grind we’ve been on since 2001: the one that takes us to the Premier League title. I will also have some more Christmas cake please Vince, if you’ve got any left.
Much like me, the squad isn’t in great shape, which wouldn’t surprise you if you saw what Jamie Carragher had everyone doing in the Rose & Crown last night, but with a week until our next game against Everton I feel like I can play those that would otherwise get a rest. That game is in the FA Cup as well, so I’m going to rotate fully for that so everyone gets to have a long lie down at some point before the serious business begins. As such, the slightly unfit Frank Lampard, Chris Barker and Azar Karadas all line up for this one, with Titus continuing alongside Carra in the heart of our defence — injuries to Mexès and Papoutsis, plus Rosário’s horrible recent form, means I don’t really have a lot of choice. Hysén and Bubb were dreadful last time, so Källström comes in for the former, but the latter stays in. Byron at least carries the ball through midfield, even when he does get 6s, whereas Hysén is gradually becoming the new Karlheinz Pflipsen: he either gets a goal, an assist and a 9, or is completely anonymous. I can’t deal with much more of that.
Our opponents today are Champions League-chasing Middlesbrough, who are on a rather ridiculous run of form that’s covered at least 18 months. Not only did they finish fourth last season to qualify for Europe’s premier competition, but now they’re third in the league, right on our heels, and top of this Champions League group…
Not bad. They’ve got Sebastian Frey in goal, Gareth Southgate in defence, Kily Gonzalez and Martijn Reuser running the midfield and Hamilton Ricard sticking their chances away. To me, their squad looks bang average, but I suppose that’s what a lot of people would say about us too. The battle of the Nowhere Men it is.
We take an absolute pasting throughout the whole game, but crucially, Middlesbrough only score one goal. Chiotis is a monster in nets, flapping away several Ricard and Boksic efforts, and although we reach the half level, we’ve created nothing whatsoever and look destined for defeat. I make some changes to try to move Middlesbrough around the pitch a bit in the second half, and it works to a certain extent — we at least start making chances, though Paiva can only shoot off-target under pressure from Boro’s entire back four, who are excellent throughout. It doesn’t help that Karadas gets injured just before the break, and is replaced by Cherno Samba — and while the great man is definitely up to the task of making an impression in the Premier League, today was not his day.
Eventually, Middlesbrough’s pressure tells. Martijn Reuser has been one of several thorns in my side all afternoon, and just after the hour mark, he unleashes all the frustration he’s got from being criticised in the press by his own manager: Babayaro hits a long ball, my defence fail to clear, and the Dutchman wellies a banana shot from 30 yards that thunders past Chiotis and in to give the home side the 1–0 lead they definitely, definitely deserve.
We, however, are not in the business of giving people what they deserve. Ten minutes later, João Paiva finally gets himself involved in the game, only to be wiped out by Southgate on the edge of the box. Chris Barker lines up the free-kick, checks his angles, strides confidently up to the ball, and cannons a shot off the face of Darren Eadie. The ball loops up, wrong-foots Frey, and drops gently into the far corner of the net. It goes down as an own goal for the Middlesbrough forward, but having watched Barker do this to mainly Benjani in training, I’d say he’s the most accurate free-kick taker in the history of world football.
We’re very, very grateful to Dion for keeping us in the rest of the game, and once again, we have to celebrate: it might not be the win I wanted to start 2005, but we’ve scored yet another point away from home against a league rival. I’m never going to argue with that. Especially because we could have easily lost 5–0 today.
Post-match, the press decide to put together a collective smear piece about our title credentials, telling everyone in the country that they don’t think we’re going to be able to last the pace required to mount a serious challenge to Manchester United’s many crowns. I respond by announcing that I’m quietly confident through a megaphone from the roof of the club shop, and it goes down well with the people that matter.
Sadly, optimism isn’t enough to entice Tó Madeira to Irthlingborough. For roughly the 387th time, he rejects the chance to play in front of the bright lights at Nene Park and instead moves to Sporting, who are six points and four places behind his table-topping former club Braga. He’s also on £1,500 per week with a £65 goal bonus and is going to try to get into this starting team. I’ll tell you one thing: he doesn’t have 20 for Intelligence.
After I’ve dealt with the inflammation in my tear gland, I gather my reserves and push them onto Chugger for the long and winding road back to Merseyside, where we’ll play Everton for the third time this season, this one in the third round of the FA Cup. It’s a side that will finally see the R&D debut of Adam Hart at centre-half alongside the freshly-fit Philippe Mexès; Paulo Sousa’s return from injury also sees him start ahead of Rhys Weston, though I will change that when one of my three CMs inevitably lands on a 6 after an hour; Farnerud and Hysén have a lot to prove today, while De Boer is finding decent occasional form just as his contract is running down. Up front, in the absence of Parkin, I’ve decided to go Full Reserve and play the great Cherno Samba, whose attributes I’m sad to report are not shifting anywhere close to Wonderkid territory, alongside Rob Earnshaw, with Cristiano Ronaldo (Finishing still 4) lurking on the touchline.
We’ve had seven whole days off since our last outing, which we needed to stave off the early-January hangovers — whereas Everton had a bruising encounter with Leeds midweek that has shorn them of four regular starters through injury. With any luck, Walter Smith will pull a Walter Smith and put Jermaine Defoe at left-back or something.
Unfortunately, Smith puts out his very strongest side, and as a result, my subs can’t cope with the Toffees’ attacking verve. Chiotis is forced into three early saves before the 17th minute arrives, at which point Gary Naysmith floats a corner into the box and Petur Marteinsson meets it to head home his second goal of the season to put the home side 1–0 up. We are actually not looking too bad until the point where we need to take our shots, all of which are slashed wildly off-target by Samba, Hysén, De Boer and Victory. Rob Earnshaw is our only glimmer of light in the darkness, putting a couple of efforts on tar get as the half ticks over — and when his second is spilled by Paul Gerrard, Paulo Sousa drifts into the box and needs only to tap into an open goal, but somehow manages to hit the crossbar instead.
It’s at that point I realise it isn’t going to be our day. The words “Superb play by Rushden until the finish!!” are being keyed into the side of Chugger by the local youth as Freddie Kanouté then collects the ball outside the box, charges past Hart, Dixon and Victory, and drills a low shot past Chiotis for 2–0. If any of my players could finish, we’d probably be level or even better here, but as it is, we come in for half time looking punch-drunk… or maybe still actually drunk.
I make all the changes I can. Hart’s debut belongs in a haunted house, so he’s hooked for Titus; Hysén and De Boer are today’s two CMs who can’t shift off a 6, so they’re given the boot for Creaney and Ronaldo, who moves into a front three with Sousa making up the third CM spot. Do we need a DMC when we’re already 2–0 down away in the cup? I don’t think so.
The second half starts, and within five minutes, the game has completely shifted: we hit the post and bar through Creaney and Sousa, then Jermain(e) Defoe takes on my entire back four and hits a rasping shot past Chiotis to make it 3–0 Everton. Demoralised, I throw everyone into stupidly attacking positions to try to at least test Paul Gerrard, but when Earnshaw is injured on 71 minutes to put us down to ten men, we are completely finished. I even try the Flying V formation, which worked so well in Mighty Ducks, but doesn’t do us any favours today, and with that, yet another FA Cup run is dead in the water. Can you call it a run when you lose your first game? I’m going to say leave me alone.
While the team are licking their wounds and Susan is booking Chugger in for a re-spray, I receive a phone call from my good friend Dwight Lodeweges, manager of Groningen. He’s not in a particularly good mood — that’s because right before the Everton game, I got word that Jan Kromkamp’s contract was up in the summer, and having been tracking him for a few seasons, I sent him some bits of paper with numbers on them in the hope that it might tempt him away. It has, so I agree the transfer, and our third summer signing is confirmed: we’ve got a new midfielder to add to our incoming defender and striker. He looks good, is still young, and will replace De Boer when he departs at the end of his bumper deal. I’m placated… for now.
I head back to my Player Search on the hunt for another midfielder to add to my collection. Kromkamp and Lampard are solid signings, but Källström and Farnerud don’t seem to be cut out for regular Premier League football, and with De Boer leaving, I want more quality in there. A filter to find players that have high Dribbling, Creativity and Flair leads me to Porto’s Deco, exactly the sort of man I’d like to have carrying the ball through the centre and causing havoc in opposing defences — plus, he’s publicly declared that he wants a new challenge. A £5m bid is sent across, and in the meantime, I’ve decided that Phil Creaney is going to get a shot at impressing me in the first team squad. Anything is better than constant 6s from De Boer, Hysén, Källström and Farnerud. Maybe he can make a difference.
He’ll get his chance against our old friends and dismantlers of Liverpool, Crewe Alexandra. In truth they’re having a disastrous season, rock bottom of the Premier League and awash with notable injuries and suspensions. Star players Christian Dailly and Eirik Bakke are both missing for this one, as is our old flame Pah Modou Kah, along with Martin Rowlands and Laurent Delorge. We’re missing Mahouvé, Bubb and Karadas, but hopefully Crewe’s losses will make them vulnerable enough for us to climb over them and get back up the mountain towards the Premier League summit.
United are on a devastating winning run that’s seen them go 12 points clear at the top, while Boro and Arsenal are right up our chuffs in third and fourth — but we have a game in hand on all of them, and this is it. A win is absolutely vital if we want to have a hope of toppling United, and defeat would make our top four aspirations really quite precarious. I ask Susan what she thinks, and you know what she said? Just roll over Alex, if you could. Saucy minx.
They don’t get the message, and I’m choking down gasps for the first 25 minutes as Crewe come forward over and over again — but my defenders have banded together after our pasting against Everton, and force most of Crewe’s efforts off-target. Jamie Carragher in particular is imperious, and the one time Paolo Maldini appears and spanks a long-range shot at goal, Chiotis leaps to his right to turn the ball around the post. However, we are clinging on, as Chiotis saves again from Idan Tal and then Duff has to hack the ball off the line — we need our forward players to hold the ball and release some of this pressure.
Hysén heads away a Crewe corner as far as Javan, and I yell at Meysam to get the bloody thing away from our goal — so he sets off on one of his classic winding runs, just like he used to. Before I know it, he’s breezed past Walton and Spooner, is faced up by Hutchinson, but jinks past him too… he’s into the area! Javan steadies himself, and shoots! JAVAN! GOAL!! Smashed high and hard past Crewe’s stand-in keeper David McEwan, and what a time for Meysam to reintroduce himself to the travelling Ultras. Totally against the run of play, we’ve nicked a 1–0 lead!
Five minutes later, we’re at it again: after Babangida hits the post, Hysén moves through midfield with the ball and whips a cross into the Corridor of Uncertainty, where Meysam Javan has moved back into his old bedroom — and there’s nothing the Crewe defenders can do about him turning the pass inside McEwan’s near post for 2–0! Crewe have been rope-a-doped here: they’ve been all over us for half an hour, we’ve had two chances, and we’re two goals up. This never happens to us.
Creaney isn’t making the most of his first-team chance having been totally anonymous so far, but I leave the team as it is for the start of the second half. Duff volleys wide from a great position, Lampard clips the outside of the post from the edge of the box, and then Chiotis denies Babangida when he really should score. We have grown into the game by now, and actually look good for our lead. Crewe are still threatening, but when Hysén heads away yet another Idan Tal corner, we’re off on the move again: this time Javan tries to play provider, sliding a pass in front of João Paiva in the area, but he can’t get his shot away. Instead, he turns, and tees up the onrushing Hysén, who’s made up almost 70 yards to strike from just inside the box! TOBIAS HYSÉN!! YES!! It’s 3–0 Diamonds!!
We definitely don’t deserve this great of a lead against an Alex side who have come to play, but when you’re waddling around in the muck, you’re going to end up with your face in it sometimes — and so it comes to pass. Dean Ashton does his best to make amends for Crewe but Papoutsis and Carragher have the measure of him; Farnerud comes on but is then carried off with an injury that I hope isn’t too serious; and eventually, a 10/10, Man of the Match performance from the forgotten Meysam Javan consolidates our place at the Premier League’s top table. He must have heard about Djibril Cissé. If this is going to be the way he responds, I’ll take it.
It’s a brilliant result, our second-place spot in the Premier League is looking solid, and my goodness, you’ll never f — king believe the news I’ve got in my inbox a couple of days later. Phil Creaney really needed a hat-trick against Crewe, because love him as I do, the red carpet is being unrolled at Nene Way for his replacement in the first-team squad. Welcome to sunny Irthlingborough, Anderson Luís de Souza — better known as…
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