Diamond Geezers, Episode 77: Players Come, Players Go Out My Revolving Door
Bloody Bastard Bolton Wanderers seem determined to shear me of all my Swedish wonderkids. Not content with wrenching poor Freddie Risp and then Martin Andersson from their spiritual homes in Irthlingborough, now Big Sam is trying to court sweet young Alexander Farnerud away for what would admittedly be a record fee. Well Sam, you’re going to have to do much, much better than that. I’ve taken Alex in, nurtured him, caressed him, and made him into the player he is today. He doesn’t love you, and he doesn’t want to be with you, but if you’ve got £15m to spend, I’ll have a word.
Meanwhile, my scouts tell me that Kabba Samura of IFK Göteborg would be an excellent signing, and to be fair, he looks a prospect. 22 years old, Sierra Leone international, faster than a rocket full of monkeys, and listed for loan because they already have the frankly ridiculous front line of Gustaf Andersson and Jonas Lundén. I pop a cheeky loan offer in for him and see what happens. Still with no guarantees of getting Edwin Congo or Sam Parkin, I feel like I need backup options on the table.
As I consider who we should play on this year’s traditional pre-season tour of Wales, news filters through about how much our TV money is going to be this season. And boy oh boy, it’s a large number. Watch out, unsuspecting Scandinavian clubs: your boy has got a war chest.
Would you look at all that lovely green.
I wince as the board also announce plans to ‘expand’ the stadium ready for Premier League football, but really all that happens is that it goes from a capacity of 16,000 to 18,000, all-seated. It looks like there will be no massive director-level expenditure to hamstring my transfer budget this summer. That £14m is all mine.
The first thing I do is get Chugger towed to Highcross Motors with instructions for him to be fitted with a brand new second-hand tractor engine we got from one of the farmers in Yorkshire who let us stay in his barn the night before the Leeds game. It’s the very least he deserves. Plus, I tell Susan to have a look online for some new headlights and wing mirrors, as he hasn’t had any that weren’t held on with duct tape since 2002.
Thereafter, I go straight back to Braga for Tó Madeira and also meet the £4.3m release fee for Jonas Lundén, cancelling my loan bid for Kabba Samura in the process. It’s good to know he’s there, but now we’ve got walking around money, we can leave loans as a last resort. Against my better judgement, I also test Troyes with a £2.5m bid for Nicolas Anelka, who’s been there a year and therefore reached that familiar point where he’s moaning about everything and trying to force a move. £1.4m goes in the direction of Port Vale for Clint Hill; João Paiva is rotting at Penafiel, so I see if they’ll take £375k; Mikael Dorsin is developing superbly at Djurgården so I stuff £1.5m into an envelope for them too, plus it’s time to see if Standard will let Taribo West finally come to where he’s belonged since the beginning. My scouts are dispatched all over the world to seek out new prospects for my burgeoning chequebook. I’ve never had this much money before, and as you can tell, I’m feeling frisky.
The fixtures are announced for the new season, and we will start our Premier League campaign with a home game against Everton, a trip up to Newcastle for a night out with Christian Kalvenes, and then we bring Middlesbrough back down with us for a game at Nene Park. A glance down the list makes me concerned about October, where we play Spurs, Man Utd, Chelsea and Liverpool in succession, but that’s OK. We’re in the Premier League to mix it with the very best. It’ll just be a relief if our morale survives until Christmas.
With the fixtures out, I organise our midsummer jaunt around Wales. As an illustrious top-tier English side, we could have gone anywhere in Europe, but we’re not the sort of fancy-dans who flounce off to Italy or Spain on glamorous pre-season tours. We’ll stay true and humble to our roots, thank you very much. As such, I arrange pre-season testers against the most creative team names Wales can offer, and round it all off with a game with our old friends from Llansantffraid. They all accept my proposals, and so we’ll warm up for Everton with matches against Porto’s Grange Quins, Abergavenny Thursdays, Flexsys Cefn Druids, and of course, one of Europe’s very finest teams: Total Network Solutions.
Braga reject my bid for Madeira, so I go back with £6.75m over 24 months, which is accepted — but Big Tó doesn’t want to join us. I offer a contract anyway, but it looks like we’re going to have to win the Premier League before we’ll be able to tempt him here. You know what, Tó? Challenge accepted. The same story goes for Jonas Lundén, who’s got no interest in leaving IFK just yet. That’s okay. I’ve got other irons in the fire.
Speaking of which… goodness, goodness me. Look who’s accepted my heavily discounted contract offer.
Twente, Ajax, Barcelona, Rangers, Real Madrid, Sevilla… Rushden and Diamonds. A glittering continuation of a stellar career, Ronald De Boer will be this season’s one-year veteran, providing experienced backup to my established names. It’s good to see, using the player comparison, that he’s technically higher rated than Bubb and Farnerud as a centre-mid, equal with Hysén, and only inferior to Källström. Despite that, he won’t be displacing any of them in my affections, but my word, he’s not a bad squad option, is he?
And, though we welcome one stellar veteran, we must say goodbye to another. Sir Les Ferdinand, your statue is already on its way. Thank you for everything you’ve done for Rushden and Diamonds over three wonderful seasons. We wouldn’t be where we are without your goals, your grace, your influence, or your great big forehead. We will be forever in your debt. Goodnight, sweet prince.
With less fanfare, Roberto Baggio’s contract expires and he slips out without saying goodbye. He was decent for us when he first arrived, but with his powers failing him and his teammates struggling to cope with his no-tackling-under-any-circumstances approach, he was slowly phased out to make way for some younger, hungrier alternatives. It was fun while it lasted, but in the end, the Divine Ponytail was like a candle in the wind. Unreliable.
But as they depart, an immediate replacement for Sir Les becomes available. Sam Parkin leaves Chelsea at the end of his contract, so I offer him a four-week trial. His contract demands are now quite high for an untested striker, so I’m hoping that getting him in and introducing him to the squad, and Vince’s famous pre-training meals, will convince him to be a bit more reasonable.
The European Championships end with a triumphant Italy taking the title, beating Spain in the final, and as a result, lots of managerial jobs look very insecure, including Sweden’s Tommy Söderberg. If anyone’s made for that job, it’s me, so I await his tragic sacking with CV in hand. In the meantime, the Romania and France jobs come up, so I stick letters in the post — with a plan for the latter job to build the team around Nicolas Anelka and watch the whole country slowly eat itself.
Good news on the transfer front: Edwin Congo leaves Real Madrid, so a trial offer is texted straight to him — and then, Penafiel accept my £375k bid for João Paiva, he’s happy with a £375pw, five-year deal as a Decent Young Player, and it looks like another CM wonderkid is on his way. Sam Parkin also comes to us on trial, he looks fantastic, but still wants pretty big wages and almost £1m in signing on fees. Obviously not willing to throw that kind of money away, I offer him less than half. Cheeky little shite. Peter Møller can still do a job, you know.
And then, it was July 1st. Contracts are expiring, players are leaving on Bosmans, transfers are confirmed… and heroes become villains.
I also didn’t realise that Roar Hanset’s contract has expired. Now, I love Roar. He’s the ying to my yang, been assistant manager for years, and I’m sure he expects me to renew his deal since he’s made a settled home in Irthlingborough… but looking around at some of the CVs I’ve had since we won promotion, it might be time to make a very, very difficult decision. I’m sorry, Roar. I love you like a very tall older brother… but the time has come for us to buy our own training cones.
It’s a sad day at Nene Way. The players aren’t here, of course — they’re still on their holidays, with four weeks until we have to head to Wales, but when they get back and both Roar and Teddy aren’t with us, there could be some concern among the old hands. Then again, I suppose half the squad will have never been here before, so they won’t be missing anything. Just as I’m walking around the perimeter of the training pitch, kicking over piles of leaves like a mopey teenager, a car pulls up outside and a couple of people get out. Perhaps they’ve gotten lost on their way to the Irchester Narrow Gauge Railway Museum. I go over to see if I can give them some directions… but it turns out they’re not lost at all.
Another wonderkid to add to my collection, João Paiva’s career has stalled since he left Náutico in 2002, but now he’s here and ready be brought up to scratch by my elite coaching staff. And that includes my brand-new assistant manager, joining us from Tranmere Rovers, former Scotland international Darren Jackson. I think we can all agree, as much as we adore Roar, Darren is something of an upgrade. And he’s got his own bag of balls. Imagine that — training sessions with more than one ball! No wonder he’s got coaching attributes like these.
And he’ll have lots of brand new players to work on next season, because I’m delighted to announce that we’ve come to an agreement with Sam Parkin that means he’s got enough money to buy himself and his mum a house, but not enough to get a boat or a Ferrari or anything ridiculous like that. Welcome to Irthlingborough, Sam!
Edwin Congo joins on trial but my coaches don’t seem impressed, and on comparison, it looks like he’s not much better than Peter Møller. Considering my loyalty to the Great Dane, and not wanting to push Cherno Samba too far down the pecking order, I decide against signing him. He wanted £22,000 per week anyway, the prima donna. He should learn a lesson from my youth goalkeeper Jackie Wright, who accepts an offer to play for Welling United on loan until the end of the season in order to get valuable first-team minutes. See, Edwin? This is what real professional footballers look like.
Word comes through that Mikael Dorsin’s contract is up in six months, and I scramble to offer him a deal immediately: the lad is a player, no doubt about it, and if he arrived on a Bosman, I’d have to arrange a queue of all the people who’d want to pat me on the back. Nottingham Forest then go and bid £6m for Nicolas Anelka, with Troyes rejecting my previous £2.5m offer. I’m tempted to match them, but with Forest in Division One and Anelka a famous asshat, I decide to grab some popcorn and watch the fireworks. I can only imagine how that’s going to end.
Right, there’s been a lot of wheeling and dealing over the last few weeks, and it’s time to take stock of my squad. It looks pretty good. These are the players that will return to Nene Way for training at the end of this week. Also, don’t worry about Javan. He thinks there’s too much competition for a first-team place, despite being my top scorer for two consecutive seasons, but once I clearly make him my first choice forward by playing him in every game, I’m sure he’ll cheer up.
Not bad at all. Dion and Hugo in nets, Victory/Granville left back, Duff/Dixon right back, with Dogan as cover for both sides; Carragher, Rosário and Papoutsis as my main centre-halves, with Karadas as cover; Marcel and Westy at DMC; Bubb, Hysén, Källström, Gatti, Farnerud and Ronald bloody De Boer as my six CMs; then Javan, Karadas, Parkin and Earnshaw as my strikers. I’m also not discounting McVeigh, Creaney or Samba from the senior players altogether — I just like my first team squad to fit on the screen without needing to scroll, so this’ll do for now.
I’m going to keep my eye in for players we couldn’t possibly turn down in positions where I think we could do with strengthening — another right back to replace Dixon, a centre-half to release Karadas from defensive duties, a total upgrade at left back, maybe someone to cover DMC in case injury disasters strike, and of course, any world-class hotshot striker will be most welcome — but in general, we look pretty good. I mean, now that I think about it, if my centre-backs get injured we’re paper-thin in reserve, so perhaps we need more cover back there… I wonder what Philippe Mexès is up to.
It turns out he’s up to being sad at Auxerre for dropping down their pecking order even further — despite his potential, he’s only played 12 games for them in the last three years — so I offer his value, £2m, and they accept quickly. He’s happy with Squad Rotation status, and while I expect his demands to be off the charts, they’re actually… quite reasonable. Take out this stupid £2.6m release clause, and you’ve got yourself a new home, my boy. I always told you I’d sign you, and oh my god — I’m back again.
Ottmar Hitzfeld must have heard my grumbling about having no centre-back cover as he bungs a forlorn John O’Shea on the transfer list. The Irishman is shocked, though I don’t know why; he’s also barely played over the last three seasons. I see if Ottmar, kindly old gent that he is, would accept a nice, neat £1m for his unwanted stopper.
He dismisses the offer the same day and brands it “totally unacceptable”. Alright granddad, keep your wig on — didn’t bloody fancy her anyway, because take a look at the gorgeous blonde that’s just come waltzing into my office!
Yep, he’s here, and I now have four wonderful centre-halves to complete the set. Premier League forwards can consider this notice: Carragher and Papoutsis will kick the shit out of you, then Mexès and Rosário will Cruyff-turn you into next week. Beautiful. Plus, Carragher can now count as my DMC cover in case anything terrible happens to Mahouvé or Weston. Ideal. What a squad!
The players return to Nene Way and mingle with one another for the first time. There’s electricity in the air as Darren Jackson empties his ball bag onto the training pitch and arranges our fresh-faced charges into their various drills. I look over the action I see: Chiotis and Pinheiro half-volleying shots at each other, Farnerud and De Boer doing keepy-ups, Carragher and Mahouvé stamping planks of wood in half… it’s wonderful to watch.
In a week, we start our traditional pre-season tour of Wales against the giants of Porto’s Grange Quin. Can we be Princes of Wales for the third year in a row? I’ll be honest… I’ve got a good feeling about it.
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