Diamond Geezers, Episode 69: Nice.
Our march to the First Division title is on. We’ve got four more league games until our UEFA Cup Fourth Round match-up with Leeds United, and if we play our cards right, and hire a local shaman to cast some voodoo spells on the teams immediately below us, we could have the league pretty much sewn up by then. We wake up this morning 15 points clear at the top of the table with a relatively tough run of games ahead of us, but if we can scrape four wins together, I don’t see any way we’re going to be caught.
Today we welcome Port Vale to Nene Park, who remind me a lot of our last game against Sheffield Wednesday: they’re a mid-table team with a mid-table squad, and most notably Clint Hill is suspended for picking up the most yellow and red cards in the entire division this season. He’s also registered the third-highest number of tackles per game, so I’m very happy to see the back of him.
I decide to leave Jamie Victory and Fernando Couto in my starting team, while also making a couple of other changes: Källström can have a run in place of Farnerud after he really improved us last time out, while the swansong of Sir Les continues, as he replaces the “very low” morale of Azar Karadas. I imagine that due to his blackened soul and seething contempt for all human life, his morale rarely tips above ‘OK’ so I’m not too worried. But he can sit on the bench today.
The Rushden Ultras will be delighted with the first half the team puts together, starting at the start with a Tobias Hysén belter after nine minutes, and ended with an imperious header from Marcel the Destroyer to thump our heroes into a 2–0 half time lead. To be fair to Port Vale, they do have the ball in the net through Ian Armstrong after some excellent work from Stephen McPhee, but the Vale forward is judged to be offside, and the goal is chalked off. It is a bit of a let-off, but on the balance of the half, we deserve this half-time lead. My old 11s coach used to say he hated a 2–0 lead because if the other team scores the next goal, it’s all to play for… I always thought a 2–0 lead was good because, you know, you’re two bleeding goals up. What are you talking about mate?
The second half starts with the ball in our net once more, but Armstrong is offside yet again in the most blatant “mark the keeper” tactics I’ve ever seen. Not very sportsmanlike is it, Brian Horton? Byron Bubb doesn’t think so either, and when Källström and Hysén combine on the edge of the box and the Englishman makes a darting run through the static Vale defence, Hysén lobs the ball into his path, and before you know it, it’s 3–0, and this game is over. Vale really aren’t doing anything to trouble us now, so I make my subs, pull a few people back to make sure we don’t concede, and the game ends with what is now becoming a trademark 3–0 victory. Another goal and assist from Bubb, plus man of the match — what a player. I’m starting to think that £27m release fee might be too low.
The board are delighted with the result, Forest also win to maintain the 15-point gap at the top, and in other news, the FA have got their hands full with a couple of managers who are constantly complaining about refereeing decisions. Moaning publicly about the Football Association and its employees? Seems a bit juvenile to me. Can’t believe anyone would do that.
As we’re packing our toothbrushes for the short but extremely slow journey to The Den for our next game, a gaggle of hacks gather outside my office and start feeding their dictaphones through the window, along with questions about Mike Duff. They want me to comment on his fantastic recent form, so I praise the lad all the way to the ceiling — and subsequently, Leeds, Manchester United and Liverpool all declare their interest in my world-beating right-back. I try to fend them off with a £10m asking price, but they are undeterred. Welp.
Let’s not worry too much about that for now, for we must enter the maelstrom that is The New Den for our next Division One game. Millwall are one of those teams, much like in real life, whose league position is almost irrelevant — whatever the table says, you’re in for a bloody good kicking at their place. However, Steve McMahon’s side are up to 7th, just outside the playoff places, so they’ve got even more to play for than usual. We’re going to need to wear double shinpads today… I might put some on over my suit trousers.
Farnerud comes back in for Källström for us, but after our convincing win last time against Port Vale, I decide not to tinker too heavily. Fernando Couto, especially, has been playing extremely well ever since I announced I wouldn’t be renewing his contract at the end of the season, so he starts again ahead of Rosário. Magic sponge and freeze spray at the ready… good luck lads.
As you can imagine, Marcel Mahouvé has been relishing this game ever since the fixtures were announced at the start of the season, and he goes toe-to-toe with every Millwall player he can get his studs on. The rest of the team rally (hide) behind the Destroyer, and we have the better of the early going — and when Jamie Victory launches a corner into the box after 20 minutes, it’s no surprise that Mahouvé clambers over Gerry Taggart and forces a header past Alan Combe. 1–0 up, we’re looking decent, but Millwall aren’t going to go away easily — and we’re very grateful to Hugo for saving from Neil Harris and David Livermore at close range, plus Lucic and Bubb for picking up tactical yellow cards when the Lions were coming forward with real threat. It’s a decent half, and we reach the break with our 1–0 lead intact.
I notice that Justin Walker has played a lot of football in the first half, so he’s going to be looking over his shoulder for the whole of the second as I tell Marcel to make his life miserable for at least the rest of the afternoon. As a result, with Walker’s precision passes taken out of the match, Millwall carry far less of a threat in the final 45, and can’t get another shot on target. We are also struggling, with both Javan and Sir Les on 6s and not really impacting the game — so I make a bold move with half an hour to go, hooking both of them and putting on Karadas and Källström in their place. It works: mere moments later, Källström wins a free kick, Mahouvé lobs it into the box, Karadas heads down, and Alex Farnerud volleys past Combe to make it 2–0.
We look good after my changes, and Karadas especially is a dominant physical force up front; he can’t get his shots or headers on target again, which is a bit of an issue, but he creates so much for the players around him that he looks like a proper heir to Sir Les and the Great Dane. The action pretty much over, the game finishes 2–0 to the good guys.
The games are coming thick and fast now, and once back in Irthlingborough, there’s barely even time for one of Vince’s fish suppers before Crewe Alexandra arrive for our next Division One game. The Alex are also right up with us at the top of the league, sitting 5th as we head into the changing rooms to spray some deodorant under our arms and do a few star jumps, and so we must be careful, but not fearful. We are in good form, regardless of the teams that line up against us, so we just need to keep doing what we’re doing.
To that end, I keep the same team, except for young Farnerud who needs a little break, so Källström replaces him, and Karadas comes in for Sir Les following his destructive half-hour against Millwall. We’re looking a bit leggy, but we’ve got a good cushion at the top of the league, our solid defence is back on form, and my midfielders are chipping in with most of our goals, so what’s not to love.
Crewe are a one-man team in the first half, with midfielder Laurent Delorge running the show from a position that we’re struggling to get to him in. He creates a couple of great chances for Dean Ashton, who — fortunately for us — can only head and punt off-target. When Delorge also tests Pinheiro with a stinging drive from the edge of the box, I decide I’ve had enough: even though it might drag him out of position, I give the order for Marcel to take him out of the game. After that, we look better — we manage a couple of efforts on Chris Stringer’s goal through Javan and a Teddy Lucic header, but neither side can make the breakthrough, and a tense first half finishes goalless.
I notice that Christian Dailly is a monster in the air, and while Karadas is holding his own, his central defensive partner David Wright is having a stinker — so my half-time tinkering includes switching Javan and Karadas around so that the Black Stone can bully Wright, and hopefully Javan can beat Dailly on the ground. It works, to an extent: the second half is far less even, and now we’re knocking strongly on the Crewe door. Mahouvé, Bubb, Hysén and Källström all fire shots on target, but all are caught in Chris Stringer’s web. Frustrated, I put Sir Les on for the out-of-sorts Javan and bring the energetic Farnerud on for Källström, but they can’t make a difference; the Crewe stopper is like a spider monkey in nets, and he single-handedly frustrates us into accepting a goalless draw. Not a disaster, but we probably should have won there. Bloody Pah Modou Kah could have at least tried to score an own goal for us, the traitor.
Forest draw as well, so we maintain our lead at the top — which has now stretched to 18 points after we’ve played a game more than our nearest rivals on this crushing run of fixtures.
Marcel Mahouvé is also banned for a game after picking up just his fifth yellow card of the season, which some managers would find frustrating, but I actually think is quite an accomplishment. Only five yellows in 39 appearances for a player who eats the hearts of the men who fall before him? Pretty good going, I’d say.
Moments later, a news item in my inbox makes my contract-offering finger go all tingly.
I know. I know. I won’t offer him a contract, I promise. Well, probably not. I might do a poll…
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