Diamond Geezers, Episode 58: Two Sides of the Same Coyne
Maik. Maik!
Roar shakes me from my Buckfast slumber as Chugger pulls into the car park at Loftus Road for our next fixture against Queens Park Rangers. I manage to drag myself out of my chair; half the bottle has spilled all over the seat, which, in truth, now smells far better than it did before. As far as I remember, I was enjoying a quick drink to help me forget our recent results, which have seen us have two players sent off in our last three games and snatch draws from the jaws of victory. It’s not like me to let my drinking get out of hand, so this must have been someone else’s fault.
I stagger to the away dressing room and blu-tac my starting team on the wall. Before I passed out, and considering QPR are bottom of the table and we have a UEFA Cup 2nd Round, first leg game up next, it’s time for some rest and rotation. And not just for me — for the players, too. Baggio is under 90% fitness so he drops out, and I pull the whole team back to my trusty 4–1–3–2. Rhys Weston starts at DMC, Gatti, Davies and Brandon will be my midfield trio, Sir Les and Møller will man the forward cannons, and my back four will be Victory, Rosário, Lucic and Dixon. Pinheiro, who’s once again being sniffed around by Liverpool, retains his place in nets.
Gatti and Møller both plant headers off target in the first 15 minutes, while Pinheiro has to be alert to keep out a Mark Perry effort from a corner. The start is quite even, as Thomson is caught offside and Rosário stands over a free-kick deep inside our territory. We’ve been here before. Back during the disastrous defeat to Wolves, Rosário shanked a free kick straight to an opposing centre-forward from a position exactly like this, so I’m nervous as he steps up to take it… but today, mercifully, he manages to smash the ball as far away as he can. Far away enough, in fact, that it beats the entire Rangers back four, where Peter Møller is lurking, brings it down out of the sky, composes himself, and blasts a low drive past Brad Friedel to give us the lead! And while I’m pouring myself some celebratory mineral water over two Alka Seltzers in the away dugout, Weston gathers the ball from kick off and puts the ball into the box where Victory hits a fierce shot, Friedel saves, but Fabio Gatti arrives to convert his first Diamonds goal to double our advantage!
It’s a good start, 2–0 up after 20 minutes, but Ollie Holloway’s madmen don’t take kindly to such a needling, and set about making sure we work for our lead. Griffiths and then Doudou test my wobbling defence but are both denied by Hugo at the last moment, before Andy Thomson defies his early-season form of zero goals in 13 games by robbing Gatti, dribbling away from Dixon and Rosário, and curling an unstoppable shot past Pinheiro to reduce the scoreline to 2–1 as we come in for the half-time break. It’s a tough break, but we’re getting used to those. I shout headachey incomprehensibles at the players and send them back out to finish the job.
My players start the second half with a clear vendetta against the Loftus Road woodwork; first Møller hammers a shot off the bar, before Weston nearly breaks the post in half with a volley from the edge of the penalty area. QPR’s resistance broken, only Friedel can stop Møller, Sir Les, Rosário and Gatti from extending our lead as we make our way confidently towards the closing stages. My heart stops momentarily as Thomson has a very strong penalty appeal waved away after he’s almost given a surprise leg amputation by Ben Dixon, but in the end, we come through victorious after yet another testing encounter with QPR.
We’re only three days out from our UEFA Cup game against Mannheim, so I take the journey back to Irthlingborough to consider my starting team. They’re having a good season; despite being in the German Second Division, it’s a very competitive league where they’re third only to VfB Stuttgart and Borussia Mönchengladbach. Luckily for me, they seem to have loaned out their most productive player to a non-league team in Norway, and it’s just as well. I wouldn’t fancy having to line up against anyone who’s having a season like this.
However, despite that, the players who remain at the club are very solid hands. Roda Antar will be a familiar name to the German football hipsters out there, while attacking midfielder Selim Teber looks like a very promising young player. They also boast a couple of German Under-21 defenders and Romanian legend Dorinel Munteanu, who’s got 103 caps for his country. They are certainly going to provide a stiff test to our continental credentials.
With Benjani and Farnerud injured, there are a couple of decisions to make over who starts in their places. I decide to remain in our 4–1–3–2 for this one, but keep Baggio in the centre just to see how it goes for 20 minutes. I don’t think he’s physical enough to play in actual midfield, but we’ll see. Perhaps a deeper role will allow him to focus on creating magic rather than slapping people round the face. The big call is whether Møller or Sir Les partners Javan up front; after some deliberation, I decide to leave the Great Dane in there. He’s seemed to be more involved in the games he’s played, whereas Sir Les has slowed to the point that you need to put the ball right in front of him if you want him to have an impact. I prefer Møller’s mobility and strength, which still holds steady at 19.
Okay. The Ultras from both sets of supporters are filtering into Nene Park. Flares light the terraces, and the sound of large, German drums reverberate around the stadium. SVW Mannheim are here to claim this territory for their own. Vince is in the stands throwing battered sausages at anyone with their arms in the air. It’s go time.
Mannheim keeper Christian Vander is forced into action straight away, saving from Andersson and then Møller’s diving header in the first ten minutes. Shortly afterwards, Couto and Javan also make the German stopper earn his wages, while Mannheim’s attacking threat has been muted by their highly defensive 3–5–2 setup. Delighted at this, I push the players on even further, and it pays dividends — as the half is coming to a close, Baggio swings over a free-kick earned by Møller, and Fernando Couto — who’s been winning headers all over the place for the whole half — rises highest to plunder his fourth goal of the season. And, ten minutes later, Baggio is back at it again, but this time he gathers a loose ball just inside the box, jinks left-to-right, and slams a high shot past Vander and into the roof of the net to make it 2–0 to your mighty Diamonds at half-time.
It’s been a dominant performance so far, so I leave the team as they are until the 74th minute, when I decide to let Baggio and Andersson rest on the bench, throwing Mad Dog and Gatti on in their stead. Javan hits the post, then Møller does the same, but Mannheim are certainly done for, and they finish the game with no shots on target; the only disappointment is that we can’t extend our lead further, and so the half finishes as it started. We’ve been fantastic today, and will take a 2–0 lead back to Germany for the second leg in a fortnight’s time.
It’s a fantastic win for us, but that’s nothing compared to what our Welsh friends have been up to in Rome. It’s truly flabbergasting. Our 2–1 win in that pre-season friendly is starting to look like our best result of the year. I mean, look at the state of that Lazio side.
Rushden-TNS UEFA Cup Final, anyone? At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised.
In the wake of our crushing win against the Germans, both my new coaches agree to our terms and joining the staff at the Nene Way elite sports training and conditioning centre. Welcome Robbie Dennison and George Bowden!
I’m suddenly alerted to a situation developing in Sweden. Tobias Hysén has become unhappy at BK Häcken and is transfer listed, at his own request, for just £1m. Considering that’s what I paid for Farnerud when he was awful, Hysén has had a few years to develop into a serious player, and my central midfield is feeling a little light in places — Gatti, Davies and Brandon are decent deputies, but are getting found out at the higher level we’re playing at now — I’d love to add him to my ranks. I fax over a bid and wait impatiently for their response.
As a distraction, I have a little tinker with my team to prepare for the visit of Grimsby Town, and you know what? I think it’s time. It’s time for Cherno Samba to take his place in the starting lineup. The Mariners are also languishing down towards the bottom of the table, and I don’t think their back three of John McGreal, Matt Jackson and Ian Cox are going to be enough to stop both him and Javan. Davies and Gatti also come into midfield to allow Baggio and Andersson to rest, and the same can be said of Rosário in my back four, who takes his place alongside Ironman Teddy Lucic so that Fernando Couto can spend a weekend in the Algarve to recuperate. However, all eyes will be on Samba for this one; will playing alongside one of the most prolific strikers in world football help him to get his garbage attributes up to the wonderkid levels we know he’s capable of?
Samba is wiped out by Ian Cox after five minutes in what will become a familiar trend for this game; unfortunately, Jamie Victory can only find Grimsby keeper Danny Coyne with the resulting free-kick. He’s in action again shortly after, as Mahouvé finds Javan in the box and the Mariners’ keeper saves and holds onto his header. We look good as Gatti tidies up from a corner and feeds Javan once again, who tries a highly speculative 25-yard effort that almost takes out an Ultra in row Z. While we are on top, I don’t feel comfortable with how languid and wasteful my attacking players seem to be; then suddenly, my strikers combine to make me feel like the idiot I am. Javan, who’s obviously heard my quiet criticisms, collects the ball on the half-way line and goes on an absurd run past McGreal, Lappin and Jackson before standing the ball up at the far post, where Cherno Samba arrives to power a header at goal — but Coyne is there to turn the ball behind once again! Victory takes the corner short to Gatti, who swings the ball to Samba at the far post again! COYNE SAVES AGAIN! It’s becoming a 1v1 battle between my young striker and the veteran stopper, though the rest of my team are determined to get in on the act too — and before half time, Coyne goes on to save from Davies, Mahouvé and Victory in what is becoming a troubling and familiar pattern.
Grimsby offer virtually nothing until the very end of the opening period, when they suddenly put together a flurry of offence that sees Pinheiro forced to handle three excellent chances — but he does, and we come in for half time level at 0–0. On top, but wobbly, I feel like it’s only a matter of time before we crack Coyne’s safe, so I don’t make any subs despite a couple of 6s loitering around my side, and shove the players out of the dressing room for the second half.
Mahouvé collects the backpass from kick-off and finds Bubb. He passes right for Duff, who makes a few strides down the touchline before passing inside to Gatti. The Italian stops, swivels, and slides a pass into the feet of Javan! Meysam Javan! WIDE once again! Javan’s missing the target a bit too often for my liking, but the same can’t be said of Gatti, who collects a Jamie Davies knock-down and thunders a shot from the edge of the box that Coyne pushes away yet again. I’m pulling my hair a little too hard as I watch Coyne pull out a ridiculous double-save from Javan, then punches a Gatti cross away and goes down bravely at the feet of Mahouvé. I’m beginning to get very nervous as Grimsby suddenly hit another purple patch, with Bradley Allen twice testing Pinheiro from good positions — and although my Portuguese mammoth is equal to them, eventually Danny Butterfield gets down the right and smashes a high cross into the area, Jonathan Rowan goes up with Lucic, beats him in the air, heads downwards at goal, and Pinheiro is rooted to the spot as the ball bounces up off the turf and past him to give the Mariners a 1–0 lead.
We’re a goal down with 15 minutes to go, and the truth is, we’ve done more than enough to be winning this game — surely, surely Danny Coyne can’t continue to keep us out. By this time I’ve already thrown Kalvenes on for Victory and Brandon for Bubb, and after Coyne saves from Brandon and Mahouvé, and I’m forced to watch Cherno Samba hit the post and the crossbar, I eventually make my final change — the disappointing Davies makes way for Møller, and we go to three up and all-out assault.
It’s the 90th minute, and I’m catatonic with tension as Pinheiro plucks the ball from his airspace and launches the ball forwards, where Mike Duff has already made up 80 yards. He brings the ball down, takes a touch, and clatters a shot at goal — McGreal blocks — the ball falls for Rosário, who feeds Mahouvé, and he shoots! Coyne parries, but it’s loose! DUFF AGAIN! COYNE SAVES AGAIN, and lands on the ball… and it’s all over. It’s all over. The game ends, despite all our dominance: Rushden 0–1 Grimsby Town.
It’s a famous victory for Coyne-operated Grimsby, who join a very short and prestigious list of teams that have beaten us since I took over as manager. The Codheads are going mental in the Airwair Stand, while the Rushden Ultras file out of Nene Park in silence. I open my dugout drinks cabinet, retrieve my favourite bottle of Bruichladdich, and disappear down the tunnel.
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