Diamond Geezers, Episode 56: Peter Schmeichel’s Blue and White Army
While we have been mostly winning games, my concern about the inconsistency of all my centre-halves leads me back to the transfer market, where poor Phillipe Mexès is having an awful time at Auxerre. I offer them a cool £1m to see if they’ll budge; if not, he’s listed for loan, so that could be an idea instead. In other news, my scout in Sweden recommends a FLC to me by the name of Samuel Wowoah — not that good, but worth signing for his name alone. Unfortunately for him he’s valued at £2.5m despite not being worth that at all, so he goes onto the shortlist for the prospect of being a free banter signing at some point in the future.
Auxerre reject my bid for Mexès, so I go back with a loan offer instead. Rejected. Okay, how about a loan bid with full wages and no cup commitments? Rejected. Why the f — k have you listed him for loan if you don’t want to loan him to anyone, you ballbags? Jesus tapdancing Christ. I go back with a straight-up £1.5m, just under his value of £1.6m. Rejected. Who’s in charge at Auxerre, the loan manager from my local bank?
I’m so steamed from enduring several hours of frustrating and mostly French text message exchanges that I almost forget we’ve got to get back on the road, this time to Stoke-on-Trent to play Port Vale in our next league game. The team we conquered to win our first ever cup silverware are waiting, and you know what? They’re going to line up against the conquerors of Dundalk. There’s no time to waste. This starting eleven need time together, they need games, wins, and confidence. Let’s go get ourselves some.
My gosh, it’s another worrying performance. We spend the first 25 minutes under the cosh, with only Vale’s profligacy allowing us to remain in the game at 0–0 — and then, suddenly, we take them apart twice in two minutes and lead 2–0 through goal machine Fernando Couto and Benjani, who slots home from a Javan knock-down. There could barely be a greater injustice than Vale being behind after making such a fantastic start, and a minute later Steve Brooker climbs above Pinheiro of all people to head home a David Batty cross to reduce the arrears closer to where they ought to be. However, not content with that at all, Meysam Javan continues to buck the trend of the game as he gathers a loose ball and hits a furious effort past Jorgen Nielsen on 40 minutes to bring us to 3–1 at half-time.
I don’t change anything and silently send the players back out for the second period, and we are better for a short while — and during that while, on the hour mark, Baggio drifts into the Vale box unseen and lashes home a Benjani knock-down to make it 4–1. Another 4–1 game, I think to myself foolishly as Batty and Ian Armstrong combine to cross for Paul Taylor to grab yet another notch for the home side. I’m grateful to the great Destroyer for putting himself in the way of several more Vale attacks before the full-time whistle goes, but my goodness, I would give my left arm for a clean sheet in the league.
Thinking positively, I suppose we can at least say we’re consistent. We’ve played six games this season, and in four of them, we’ve won either 4–1 or 4–2. We’re also top of the league and have won five of our first six games, so it’s not all bad. However, we’re conceding goals at a rate of two per game, which is the footballing equivalent of eating soup with a fork. I do love vivacious, tenacious attacking football, but not at the cost of being stung in the backside every time the other team come forward.
I’m certain the arrival of Azar Karadas in November will plug our leaky holes, since he is more beast than man, and besides — looking at the form of my defenders indicates that they aren’t playing badly. Couto and Lucic have 7.4 and 7.5 average ratings so far this season, which would ordinarily be fine with me. As a result, and because of the presence of Costacurta and Rosário in reserve, I decide to withdraw my several-times-improved bid for Phillipe Mexès due to his astronomical signing-on bonus demands; at this point I’d rather spend that money on a new centre-mid.
I slump into the front seat as we Chugger our way back towards glorious Irthlingborough. I need to ask myself a tough question, which I’ve been avoiding for a while now. Do I need to look at my goalkeeper? I get reports from all my coaches on Hugo, and they unanimously tell me that he is “capable of becoming a class act for the club”. Well, I don’t need a Ralph Lauren blazer in goal — I need a wall, a stopper. His overall performances haven’t been terrible but I’m going to keep a beady eye on his form over the next month or so. We’re letting too many goals in, and Rob Green’s gloves are twitching.
On the subject of a new centre-mid to take the pressure off Bubb and Farnerud, I go straight to my office when we get back to town and make a low bid for Mikel Arteta, whose attributes have jumped since I reneged on a deal to sign him a few months ago, plus I approach PSG for Rudy Haddad on loan until the end of the year. I also take a look at who’s got the most assists in the world so far this season via the Interested filter on my Player Search list, and look at who’s come out on top?
There are few CM0102 legends that meet the demanding requirements of Tommy Svindal, and with those goal and assist stats, even at 30 years old and in the Norwegian Premier League, I can’t resist a £925k bid. Can you imagine the fear in the faces of opposing AMCs upon seeing Tommy and Marcel line up together in Rushden white?
I’m forced to put my daydreaming to one side as Bristol City have arrived at Nene Park, and I should probably go down to the changing room and tell the lads what positions they’re playing in this week. Since everyone is at 100%, and even despite my lamenting of our constant concessions, I’m only going to make one small change — Kalvenes gets a run in place of Victory. I really feel like this side ought to be able to do better than they are. I’m hoping they just need more playing time together, and perhaps a few squad nights out in Kettering, and they’ll be able to stop letting teams have so many chances in each game.
City, for their part, arrive with their strikers as two of their ‘star’ players — Couto and Lucic are going to have to be very careful with Tony Thorpe and Lee Peacock. The twin peaks of David May and Bruno N’Gotty marshal their defence, while left-back Mateo Corbo looks like a very decent player both at the back and coming forward. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be worried about a fixture like this, especially at home, but I find myself clenching even before I sit down in the dugout. The Peter De Banke Terrace is boisterous, but insecure. I know the feeling. Perhaps a pre-match absinthe will calm my nerves.
The game’s first action sees Henk Timmer save a Roberto Baggio free-kick in the 14th minute, but my heart momentarily stops in the 19th as danger-man Corbo gets down the left and crosses deep for Lee Peacock to volley past Pinheiro. I’m headbutting the side of the dugout at conceding yet another goal from our opponent’s first chance of the game, but before I give myself a brain injury, Roar shouts back to tell me that it’s been disallowed for offside. It feels like a shallow reprieve, as if Bristol City are just toying with me and could score a real goal at any moment — and my heart sinks further when Farnerud smashes a low shot at Timmer, he saves, and Baggio misses what is basically a tap into an open goal. The Robins fail to create any further chances themselves, but we huff and puff our way to half time without managing to break the scores — and this is where we have a problem. If we concede twice per game on average, we need to be sinking chances when they come, or it’ll cost us.
I nervously pat each player on the head and send them back out for the second period with a half-hearted thumbs-up — and my motivational skills pay dividends immediately. Marcel Mahouvé takes my gesture to mean that he’s allowed to completely ignore my specific tactical instructions to stay deep and don’t dribble, collecting the ball in the middle and muscling his way past Croft and Corbo to deliver a near-post cross that Benjani sweeps home to give us the lead in the 54th minute. Then, ten minutes later, Alex Farnerud’s development reaches its peak as he also decides to go on a little run, beating Senden, Hill and Croft before rounding Timmer and tapping into an empty goal. It’s a worldie from my new second-favourite Swede, and we finally have the two-goal cushion that allows me to relax and make some protective substitutions. Baggio has been disappointing today and Farnerud is knackered from that run, so they are replaced by McKinlay and the returning Martin Andersson. I drop the team back into the 4–1–3–2 and tell Mad Dog to snap the ankles of anyone who gets into our third, and he does just that — only speculative long-range efforts from Peacock and Johnson give Pinheiro anything to sweat over, he deals with them comfortably, and with that, we record our first ever clean sheet in Division One at the seventh time of asking. At bloody last.
I’m delighted with Mahouvé in particular for another dominant display in the centre, which is just as well, as my generous bid for Svindal Larsen is knocked back by Stabæk. I’m not going to go all-in for him; it was just a passing fancy. I’ll improve my bid to £1.5m, and if they don’t want that, I’ll pass.
We’re entered into the League Cup at the Third Round stage in another example of me definitely knowing the rules all along (thanks Ross for being the one to actually tell me what’s happening). Automatic entry into the last 32 is lovely, but less so is our fixture — Newcastle United will return to Nene Park in an exact replica of last season’s 3rd Round tie, where we humped them 4–0 after Shay Given got sent off in the 21st minute. More of the same if you could please, chaps.
Hot on the heels of that announcement, another cup fixture rears its head — Dundalk FC are in Irthlingborough, having made the arduous journey over the Irish Sea and had their fill of Vince’s famous chip butties, and will attempt to put right what happened on their patch a couple of Thursdays ago. For our part, I feel like I can relax and field a jumpy reserve team for this game considering the advantage we have from the first leg. Peter Schmeichel makes his Rushden & Diamonds bow in front of the Peter De Banke Terrace — sorry, Greenie — while Hélder Rosário can line up alongside Fernando Couto and attempt to redeem himself for his horror debut against Wolves. There are also starts for Dixon, Brandon, Davies, Mad Dog and Renner in the hole, while my reliable war horses, Sir Les and Peter Møller, will be tasked with elbowing and hip-thrusting the Dundalk defenders into submission. I feel happy about seeing my reserve charges in action once more. All you’ve got to do is not concede five goals at home, lads. No problem at all.
Luckily, it isn’t, though Dundalk give my second string a bloody good game, and we’re grateful to the albatrossian wingspan of Peter Schmeichel for keeping our clean sheet intact over the course of a first half where our IPL opponents sting his gloves four times. We, meanwhile, only manage a single effort on target — however, that effort comes via the freshly-moisturised face of Fernando Couto, who rises above the visiting defence to pump home a header from a Jamie Davies corner to give us a 1–0 half time lead that we barely warrant.
I shrug and leave the team as it is for the start of the second half, and ten minutes in, Dundalk get the goal that they most certainly deserve. It’s a good move, left to right, ending with a low cross that winger James Keddy converts to give the visitors their first goal of the tie. Still, we’re 6–1 up on aggregate with half an hour to go, so I give some European debuts to Chiellini, Gatti and Ronaldo, who replaces Renner in the hole — and when he plays the ball wide to Jamie Victory and then charges into the box to meet the cross, despite still only having 4 for Finishing, our future global megastar is bound to grab his first ever continental club goal. Even despite his horrendous attributes, it would seem that, much like Thanos, Ronaldo is… inevitable.
That’s all she wrote. In the end, we come out on top in a very even game, and we march on into the second round of the UEFA Cup.
And we’re not the only ones — after a tremendous 2–2 draw that sees them go through on away goals, they’re sure to be dancing on the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight!
The draw for the UEFA Cup second round is made, and we’re not going to any of the home nations! Nope, we are going to have to learn our nines from our neins as we’re pitted against German second division side SV Waldhof Mannheim, who miraculously got to the German Cup Final last season and were only narrowly beaten 1–0 by Bayern Munich. They’ve got some decent players, it has to be said, especially Roda Antar and Selim Teber — but I reckon we can take them.
Our friends at TNS have an equally simple task, drawing a team I’ve never heard of by the name of “Lazio”. Plus, if you’re an Aberdeen fan, look away now — Barcelona are on their way to experience the greyness of north-east Scotland. If you can arrange some drizzle for the home leg, you might have a chance. Meanwhile, we’re still top of the pile with two games in hand. If I can keep these clean sheets coming, we could be on for a monumental year.
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