Diamond Geezers, Episode 52: Where Do We Begin? Wales.

11 min readMay 27, 2019

It’s a beautiful, sunny morning in Irthlingborough, and I’m in my office busily finalising our pre-season tour of Wales. I’ve already secured high-profile friendlies against Aston Villa and Man City, plus told Martin Keown that we lost his contract in the post, so it’s been a busy morning; I just need to plot the directions to wherever Pontlottyn Blast Furnace and Total Network Solutions are, and I can finally take the rest of the day off.

Or so I think. There’s a buzz from my intercom. It’s Susan, telling me that we’ve had some £250k offers for Paul Underwood. I tell her to accept them. His days have been numbered ever since he refused to sign a new contract at the end of last season; if anything, I’m amazed it’s taken this long for anyone to come in for him. Ironically, it looks like Cheltenham Town are the favourites; I suppose they think they’re getting me back for signing Jamie Victory. Not exactly, lads, but nice try.

Suddenly, my morning takes a turn for the worse. Derby County and Crystal Palace both make astronomical £9m moves for Mark Kerr, a man whose poster is on the ceiling above my bed at home, and whom I covet so highly that I’m prepared to do almost anything to get. I’d hoped he might stay at Birmingham for one more season at least, but it looks like he’s on his way, and I have a decision to make. He is on my interested list, and I have £8.5m in my transfer kitty. Am I going to blow the whole thing on one player? Granted, he’s the player, but it would leave me with nothing to reinforce other areas, and I do still need cover at right-back.

I glance at my reserves; Jamie Parker and newcomer Ben Dixon are both decent, plus Lucic can technically cover at RB if I need him to… okay, fine. Sod it. I’m still hurt from Gazza’s sudden retirement, and I need a marquee signing to replace him. I make an initial £7m offer and hold my breath for several hours. It’s rejected, so I go back with £8m over 24 months — also rejected. I’m going to have to throw my entire kitty at this one, so tell Susan to make the call; we’ve got to get on the road to Port Talbot.

Afan Lido await us, though they are now more of a distraction than anything given the situation with Kerr, but it will at least allow me to tinker with my new tactic. I mentioned in an earlier episode that we should consider not replacing Gazza at all, and instead chuck a third striker into the mix in an adapted 4–1–2–3 formation. It’s extremely attacking, which is a big gamble as we’re about to go into such a competitive league, but it’s worth experimenting with. We ought to beat all the Welsh teams to a pulp regardless of what formation we play, but if this really impresses, it could be how we line up for our opening game against Preston North End.

As expected, it’s a very routine victory against a vastly inferior side. I decide to give all my starting players the whole game to settle into the new formation, and they do well — Ronaldo in particular, who thrives from playing alongside Javan and Benjani, notching a brace for himself, while Javan picks up the other after a ball into the box from debutant Fernando Couto. I’m happy with the result, but have I learned anything really? I’m not certain. The friendlies against Villa and City will be the real tests for this new tactic.

As we return to Chugger for the drive to Total Network Solutions — a weird name for a town, I always thought, but I suppose this is the place that gave birth to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, so anything’s on the table — I get a text from Susan telling me not to expect to see Paul Underwood when I get back, because he’s gone to Cheltenham Town for £250k. I take a moment to compose a fitting reply.

“Np”

We’ve got a loaded bus for the trip around Wales, as there’s a lot of tiredness in the squad. No wonder, really; it’s the middle of summer and I’ve dragged them all back from their holidays to Great Yarmouth and Skegness for this tour. Mad Dog has barely made it back from his booze cruise across the Channel, both physically and metaphorically, so I’ve left him out of the team for our next friendly; in fact, more than half of my intended team for this game are probably too tired to even pull a pair of socks on. As a result, I’m playing a very young, very inexperienced and weakened side, in the hope that someone might be able to impress me; amongst the presence of Peter Møller are debuts for my two youth products in each full-back spot and Rhys Weston at DMC. It’s also the first ever Rushden and Diamonds appearance for a certain Andrea Barzagli, and if you ask me, there’s no bigger stage on which to do it. He must be delighted.

I really wanted to play Cherno Samba, but his fitness probably won’t allow it — I might give him half an hour at the end. We’re really not fit for this game at all. Will they be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight?

Well, it’s a much tougher game than the first, and we’re grateful to Rob Green in goal, who makes a string of wonder-saves to prevent us from being soundly beaten by the team from, er… well, by TNS. My much-changed team struggle to match our corporate overlords, and as well as Green, I’m also very impressed by Ben Dixon at right-back, who’s the only player in my side who consistently gets the better of his man, finishing the game having made almost twice as many passes as anyone else on the pitch. I see bright things ahead for this young man — perhaps I don’t need to buy a backup for Mike Duff after all.

In the end, we basically steal a win from right under our opponents’ noses. After they go a goal up from a very well-worked move, Aiden McVeigh is clattered in the box by TNS keeper Les Fridge — that’s his name, not a description — and Alex Farnerud converts the resulting pen to take us in at half time with the game squared at 1–1. Then, after all the aforementioned worldy double-saves from Rob Green, McVeigh himself pops up in the 90th minute to nick a winner that we couldn’t deserve less if we tried.

We bid farewell to the people of Total Network Solutions and set off on the trail to the famous stomping ground of Pontlottyn Blast Furnace. A quick internet search on Yahoo.com tells me that there’s a strong chance we are literally about to line up against a pub team, and as such, I try to put out one of my own. Joining us at the Welfare Ground is brand new youth signing Paul Cooper, a free transfer from Braintree — a club famous on CM0102 for producing regen wonderkids. This one looks decent to me — his numbers are quite ordinary at the moment, but at 15/16 years old, he played 39 games for them last season and averaged an 8.00, which is highly impressive, even in non-league. He’ll start this one alongside Eddie Forrest because they’re the only central defenders I’ve got whose condition is over 80%.

Otherwise, it’s a team picked based on fitness and availability, except for up front, where I can’t resist the urge to play Ronaldo and Samba even though they’re obviously straight off the back of the first night they’ve been able to legally buy alcohol. They sit either side of Sir Les, and with my bid for Mark Kerr still going unanswered by Brum, we continue with this three-man strikeforce with one eye on our night out at the Blast Furnace Inn that will come immediately after this is over.

Our opponents stagger out of the pub and straight onto the pitch, and in the third minute, striker Andy Owen gets put through on goal and hits a shot that almost goes out for a throw. He reacts to the miss with exactly the amount of professionalism you’d expect from a lumbering drunk.

My full-back will probably need a sub at half time, but for now, we’ll let the game go with 11 vs 10 — and it only takes one more minute for Martin Andersson to give us the lead with a long-range effort. We keep the ball away from the Furnace for the rest of the half, until we reach a landmark moment: Eddie Forrest launches a long ball into the area, and Cherno Samba rises to head past Jamie Evans in the PBF nets to collect his first ever goal for the mighty Diamonds! The first of many, I’m certain.

The second half sees Forrest then notch a goal himself from open play, thumping home a Martin Andersson pass, and that’s how the game ends — an easy but bruising 3–0 win, and after such unpleasantness, I think we might skip that trip to the pub after all.

Birmingham accept Derby and Palace’s offers for Kerr but reject mine — irritated, I go back with a straight-up £8.75m bid. I at least want to be able to offer him a competitive contract against my transfer rivals. Even though they’re in higher divisions, they’re not playing in the UEFA Cup this season, and as such I feel like I’d have a chance of nabbing him if I could just get in front of the lad. Just take my money Birmingham, you obtuse bastards.

We have our last friendly now against Connah’s Quay, and I’d rather just get it over with, so: here’s how we line up, and here’s what happened.

Basically, they’re rubbish, especially their keeper, who gets one of the worst individual scores I’ve seen for a while. For us, reserve striker David Nolan proves that he’s complete crap after getting a 5 in a match where he’s playing up front with Peter Møller and we’ve won very, very easily. He even played the most passes for us in the whole game and still managed to drop down to a five; he is summarily transfer listed and marked down as one of my worst signings of all time. You’re off the hook, Colosimo.

We’re once again champions of Wales, and more good news arrives right after the game finishes — Roberto Baggio has been released on a free transfer by Nîmes. I get straight on the phone to the Prime Ministers of both France and then Italy trying to find his agent, and tell them both that if they speak to him, there’s a generous one-year contract on the table that’ll allow him to play in the UEFA Cup alongside Costacurta and Couto. They seem confused, but understanding. I live in hope.

I also notice that Youri Djorkaeff is released on a free by Celtic, but concerned that he could be the new Matt Le Tissier, I offer him a trial instead of a full contract; he accepts immediately, and joins my squad for the friendlies against Villa and City. Let’s see if he can play his way to a permanent deal.

Crystal Palace, obviously not happy with only signing Mark Kerr, surprise me with a very low bid for Frank Lampard. He’s gone from being valued at £5.75m by Chelsea and “Happy to stay at the club” to being worth £5m with “Unknown” happiness — and as a result, Palace have pounced with a £3.1m offer. Undeterred, I match it — I know my chances to get Kerr are slim, and I need alternatives. Djorkaeff and/or Baggio would be incredible signings to play in an attacking midfield role, but I’d much rather go for wonderkids. With that, Birmingham surprisingly accept my £8.75m offer for Kerr and Chelsea accept my offer for Lamps, so I offer very, very large and hopeful contracts in the hope I can get the nod from at least one of them. Surely they won’t both choose other teams when we’re competing in Europe? I could really do with a hug. Unfortunately, I don’t think Aston Villa are in a very giving mood.

I line my team up thusly: it’s the strongest side I can play based on condition, but really, this is my chance to take a proper look at Djorkaeff. A trialist actually getting a trial? Revolutionary.

Villa line up with what looks like their strongest possible team, and crucially are all at around 90–100% fitness, so it’s no wonder that — after a lightning start where Peter Enckelman beats away efforts from Joe Foster and Martin Andersson — Villa eventually gain the upper hand. It’s right on the stroke of half-time, too; my players are tiring, and as their legs start to go, Bosko Balaban and Riccy Scimeca both pounce on defensive errors from young Joe Foster to put the visitors 2–0 up at the break. It’s a shame for the lad, but I don’t expect him to really be ready for this level yet, so at half time I replace him with Kalvenes and we go again. The one thing I’m really impressed with is Fernando Couto at DMC, who’s sitting on a 9 at half time after four key tackles and two key headers won in that first half. Great to know I have backup in there.

We don’t improve much in the second half, and we’re grateful to some good goalkeeping and last-ditch defending to keep the score down. We, unusually, don’t carry much of a goal threat ourselves, and the game eventually fizzles out to a 2–0 defeat. Not a great day for my lads when put up against a full-strength Premier League team. We’ve got a lot of work to do over the next couple of seasons, clearly.