Diamond Geezers, Episode 50: Summer Hustlin’, Happened So Fast
A half century of Diamond Geezers, can you even believe it? Thank you so much to everyone who’s been reading the series, sending me emails and tweets, and buying me coffees over the course of this adventure so far. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support.
Neither can Meysam Javan, who — to the surprise of no-one who’s read even a single word of the 100,000+ I’ve written so far — is overwhelmingly your Player of the Year, and winner of the Ballon D’iamond. He is also my Manager’s Player of the Year, for the same glaringly obvious reasons: top average rating, top scorer, joint top assists, most MotM awards… he’s been our best player by a stretch. Congratulations, Meysam. Consider your transfer value increased to £20m.
And with that, it’s Champ Manager, it’s the summer, and therefore it’s time to eviscerate my squad and make some ruthless decisions about the future of certain players. Firstly, let’s see where we need to improve by taking a closer look at the bottom half of our squad average ratings…
There’s a glaring problem that I’m sure you can all see. Richard Gough, our captain and God of Thunder, has been a fantastic servant and will get his own small section in the Nene Way Hall of Fame, but his time to gracefully bow out has come. His contract will expire in a few weeks, and we will release him to run free with wild horses for the rest of his days. My bigger concern is Eddie Forrest, who was meant to replace Freddie the Fence, but has done very little to impress anyone in the Peter De Banke Terrace since he arrived. Easily our worst performer over his 22 appearances this term, and considering we’re moving up into Division One and into Europe next season, I would very much like for him to be my fifth-choice centre-half. Bearing in mind also that Costacurta is now 37 and will deteriorate rapidly from this point onwards, and what with him being my first-choice CB with Teddy Lucic, it’s clear that I need to prioritise reinforcements at centre-back. I’d like at least two world-beaters — hopefully N’Diaye will be one, and perhaps Karadas the other. I also recall Barzagli from his loan, under the assumption that he might have a part to play as long as he can get on board with eating fish & chips every now and then.
Left-back has never been stronger with Kalvenes and Victory both vying for my affections, though we will need another right-back to replace the Manchester-bound Tarkan Mustafa; I summarily send my scouts to scour the colder regions of Scandinavia with offerings of warm pie and mash.
In midfield, Pflipsen is going to be put out to pasture this summer for sure. He just hasn’t been needed very much, and when he has come in, he’s been distinctly average. I remember how excited I was when I signed him, and it really feels like it was a long time ago. I’m also a little disappointed that Alexander Farnerud hasn’t made himself an indispensable member of my midfield three, though I suppose it’s not really his preferred position. He’s only been slightly less productive that Martin Andersson in terms of goals and assists, but his consistency has been far less impressive. He can be quite anonymous at times. I need to hope that he continues to kick on, otherwise I will become quite concerned. Jamie Davies is still a fan favourite, and I also have a soft spot for the little guy, but he’s becoming more and more exposed as the calibre of opposition gets higher and higher. I don’t think anyone would begrudge me replacing him with a true global megastar, but only if I can find one.
Billy McKinlay may also be ready to head for new beginnings. The man they call Mad Dog will be serenaded by the Peter De Banke Terrace holding up ghetto blasters playing Shine On You Crazy Diamond in unison when he leaves, which could well be in the summer. His attributes have greatly diminished, he’s 34, and if I can just get Steve McLaren back on the phone, I’d like to make a deal. The arrivals of Rhys Weston and (potentially) N’Diaye in the summer will certainly put paid to his regular stream of appearances, and I’d much rather say goodbye while our love is still strong.
Up front, I think we’ll carry on as we are. Unless Benjani realises his dream of leaving us — he still seems sure that he’ll go to a bigger club at some point — my strikeforce of Javan, Benjani, Sir Les and the Great Dane is enviable. Sure, there are some enormous names out there that I wouldn’t turn down — and I’m still trying to sign Tó Madeira, by the way — but forwards won’t be my priority. It seems clear that I need defenders first, so we’ll start there.
I submit offers for numerous promising young centre-halves including Titus Bramble, Phillipe Mexès, and Michael Dobson, among others. I’m knocked back for all of them, plus Andrés D’Alessandro, whose bid was floating around from a previous week. Undeterred, I go back with improved bids, and am amazed to see that my £1.6m over 24 months offer for Mexès is accepted by Auxerre. He wants a lot of money and an appalling minimum release fee of £825k, so I’ll have to pull on my negotiating trousers for this one.
Player contracts are expiring all over the place and I submit sniper offers for several starlets, one in particular — a certain Kim Källström, who insists he doesn’t want to leave Häcken, but I’ll just see about that. Does £25,000 a week sound like something that would help you move house, Kim? I have a feeling it will be. Wolves tell me they want £2.2m for Joleon Lescott, so I meet their demand, and they reject it anyway. I can’t wait to tear your best player away from you, you rats.
In exciting news, my offer for Joe Cole is accepted but his demands are… well, you can just imagine what his demands are. I submit a contract with big puppy eyes in the hope it might guilt trip him into accidentally signing it. Immediately, Hamburger SV match my offer and my heart sinks just a tiny bit, though the truth is we really don’t need to spaff half our budget on another midfielder. It’s just… you know. It’s Joe Cole.
I have a £400k offer for Raio Piiroja accepted and I offer him a very reasonable contract; I’m sure he still won’t get a work permit, but it’s worth trying again just in case. Mexès rejects three consecutive contract offers, so I’m forced back into agreeing a fee with his club so that I can try all over again. I have a feeling that this one is going to be the saga of the summer. Piiroja accepts my contract and I confirm the transfer with no work permit application, which seems weird, but I imagine is because we’re outside the window. I’m sure I’ll have my heart broken on June 3rd, which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, since if we get Piiroja and N’Diaye to add to Benjani and Mahouvé, we’ll have four “foreign” designated players to fit into three slots… and I have a feeling Benjani might not like where he ends up.
Almost every player I tried to steal at the end of their contracts end up signing new terms with their existing clubs, which is both frustrating and I suppose not; I had a lot of my wage budget pointed in the direction of Källström, which is now freed up for other things. The same can also be said of the money I pushed towards Joe Cole’s agent, who sends it back and instead advises his client to move to Germany. You’re making a horrible mistake young Joe, but at the same time, I suppose I can’t begrudge any young man who wants to play football for a team named after food. Let’s see what we could have won…
All of a sudden, everything about Joe Cole is forgotten, as I manage to secure a 100% guaranteed transfer for the summer, and it’s one for the CM01/02 purists. Legend alert: Hélder Rosário will be joining in a couple of weeks’ time for just £425k to bolster my central defence. Him, plus N’Diaye and Karadas, if their transfers go through, will mean I’ve not only swooped for three mythical beasts, but also that I’ve built a 30ft high bullet-proof barbed-wire wall around my penalty area that no team will be able to penetrate.
The FA contact me to tell me that I’ve won Manager of the Year — I accept without comment. I still can’t stand them. I can’t wait to win their FA Cup and watch it bubble to the bottom of the River Nene.
I learn that I’ve missed out on Jonás Lunden, Eddie Gustafsson, Mikael Dorsin, João Paiva and Abgar Barsom as the transfer window opens and my new players come flooding in… except for Piiroja, who doesn’t get his work permit after all. Okay, I sort of expected that. At least I’ll still get Rosário and N’Diaye… what’s that? N’Diaye hasn’t got a work permit either?!
FFFFFFFfffffffffffffffffffff-
Well, at least we’ve got Hélder. That’s a start. Susan? Put me through to Phillipe Mexès, will you.
In fact, scratch that. We can just wait until November! #WelcomeAzar
In my excitement, I almost miss the fact that Martin Keown has been released on a free transfer by Arsenal. He’s at the end of his career, for sure, but his attributes are still rock solid, especially for a team that’ll be fighting on four fronts both at home and abroad next season. I offer him a one-year deal and rub my hands together with glee; central defence could soon go from being the weakest area of my squad to the strongest.
Speaking of which, Carlisle United make a £180k bid for Garry Monk, and I decide to accept. It’s double what we paid for him, I could do with trimming the squad to make room for my new megastars, plus he’s become a bit of a miserable sod over the last few months, so he’s off to the north. The media note that he takes a “parting shot” at me as he leaves Nene Park. Well, thanks for coming, Garry. It was worth a try, but ultimately, you were crap.
Stabæk then make a £600k bid for Morten Knutsen, and I tell you what, if it was possible to get there by land, I’d drive him there myself. However, it’s quicker to just bundle him onto a plane without saying goodbye, so that’s what we do. The money is much nicer than he ever was.
At the same time, Marcel Mahouvé takes a bit of time off from physically threatening other players and takes up goalscoring instead — and for his country, no less! I’m delighted for him, and will remain so at least until we lose him for a month to the Africa Cup of Nations.
And meanwhile, back in Manchester, one man is so fed up with not starting games that he decides to take his career in a different, yet all too familiar direction. Can’t say I saw this one coming.
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