Diamond Geezers, Episode 38: Chugger’s Lament
After our epic night out in Irthlingborough town centre, led by a wheelchair-bound Gazza and his infamous shopping trolley races, we return to training with a little extra zip.
The players are still buzzing after their takedown of Sunderland, and with our next game being against Third Division Macclesfield Town in the FA Cup, the senior players are looking over their shoulders at their up-and-coming colleagues and working just a little bit harder.
All of a sudden, we receive huge news that gets the players really fired up. The League Cup Semi Finals are drawn, and would you look at who we’ve got: your mighty Diamonds will play the winners of West Ham vs Manchester United. It would be easy to hope we get the team struggling down at the bottom of the Premier League, but let’s be real. We’ve got unfinished business with United, and I want revenge.
Light a single candle for Chugger if you can, because it’s the middle of December, we’re off for three consecutive away games, and our trusty steed doesn’t have a radiator. We start with our aforementioned trip to Macclesfield: they finished 6th in the league last season but didn’t make it through the playoffs, and they’re up to 4th so far this season — so they’re no slouches. We also only squeaked past them in our two league games last season by 1–0 and 3–2 scorelines. However, there’s no doubt that we should be able to power through, even with a much-changed side.
And that’s exactly what we’ll put out. It’s a complete change from the landmark win over Sunderland, with 11 new players — most notably teenage regen Jamie Parker making his senior debut at right-back after arriving on a free in the summer. Tarkan would be playing, but he’s hurt his ankle in training and will be out for a couple of weeks, so instead of playing Duff, we’re giving youth a chance.
It really isn’t a vintage first half from either side, with only one shot on target in total. It’s taken by Victor Renner, who’s put through by Pflipsen, and wouldn’t you know it, he rifles it low past Silkmen keeper Sam Turner and we go in 1–0 up at the break. A very short first half report, I realise, but that’s pretty much all that happened, and you know what? It’ll do for me. Nobody is playing particularly well, and in fact a few of my players are straight up average, but so are theirs, so I decide to let them keep going and see what happens.
The second half is much livelier. We have a couple of chances and a few free-kicks that Victory clangs off the bar, but Macclesfield are seeing more of the ball than I’d prefer. They start to create, Mark Lovell hits a couple of sighters that Lee Jones has to handle, then Chris Plummer miscontrols a ball that drops to James Dooley, he squares it across the area, and Richard Forsyth catches a sweet volley to beat Jones from close range! Bloody bastard Macclesfield have tied it up, and we aren’t doing a huge amount to change the game, so I take the initiative. Møller and Parker have provided the square root of nothing, so they come off for Javan and Duff, plus Plummer, who I’ve pretty much decided will never play for us again, is out for Marcel Mahouvé, our Destroyer and auxiliary centre-half. Javan’s introduction causes havoc in the Macclesfield back four, and Darren Edmondson is booked for scything him down in the 87th minute. I’m already lamenting the prospect of a replay as Jamie Victory steps up, takes a deep breath, and smacks his free-kick in off the bar! It’s 2–1 to the mighty Diamonds with just a few minutes left, so we shut the game right down and see it out for yet another narrow win over Macclesfield. My gosh. That was rougher than it should have been.
With a week until our next game against Tranmere, but no point going home because Chugger is so slow that we won’t get back until Tuesday, we instead head towards a budget hotel near Prenton Park. My 3310 buzzes in my pocket along the way — it’s Susan. She tells me that Sheffield Wednesday have submitted a £425k offer for Martin Andersson, which is a surprise. I tell them to meet me at the Premier Inn in Birkenhead with a briefcase containing £2.5m in unmarked bills or I’m not interested. I fully expect never to hear from them again.
It’s FA Cup Third Round Draw time, and I impatiently click Draw All Teams. Good news? Home draw. Bad news? We’ve got bloody Sunderland again. Then, the Vans Trophy South Second Round is drawn, and who’ve we got? Queens Park Rangers. It turns out the FA are as unimaginative as they are crooked.
My phone rings yet again. This time, it’s legendary former Sweden international Roland Nilsson, now player/manager of Coventry City. He’s interested in moany Chris Plummer, and makes a bid of £525k. Now, this is a tricky one. We paid £500k for him, but he is a total buzzkill, so while I’m tempted to accept, I still want to make a profit here. I tell Roland I’ll take £1m and make the deal public; Crewe, Derby, Southampton and Wolves all take a good, long look. I’ll really need to reinvest any money we get; Richard Gough’s contract is due to expire in six months’ time, and I’m not going to renew it. He’s severely deteriorated since the summer, and now his numbers are hardly better than that of a reserve player. His legendary status means we’ll give him the best possible exit, but he’s heading for his 41st birthday, and it’s time for someone else to take over.
Nilsson, a good, trusting man, believes my lies about Chris Plummer being worth £1m and accepts my renegotiated offer. Then, conveniently, my scouts recommend centre-half Eddie Forrest of Motherwell as an “excellent signing who could make an immediate impact”. He definitely looks good, is only £675k, and isn’t getting a game north of the border. I submit a derisory offer and see where it gets us.
Manchester United have eased their way past West Ham in the League Cup, and so — exactly as I dreamed it — we will repeat last season’s semi-final with an almighty double-header against the best team in the land. They squeaked through 2–0 despite having Fabien Barthez and Paul Scholes sent off, but unfortunately, it will be the end of January before we welcome them to Nene Park for the first leg. Plenty of time for them to serve their suspensions, then. Goddammit.
Just as I’m thinking about my team to face Tranmere, there’s some action around the revolving door I’ve had installed at this Premier Inn. As Chris Plummer goes out to Coventry to virtually no response, a familiar figure comes back around the other way. It’s December 12th, and you know what that means. It’s almost Christmas time, and I’ve got myself a Teddy bear.
And that’s not all! Firstly, my new favourite Alessandro Costacurta signs a one-year extension that’ll keep him at Nene Park until the end of next season, and then I accept some very reasonable demands from Eddie Forrest, he signs on the dotted line, and before we know it, he’s landed at Liverpool John Lennon. In a few short clicks, our lack of depth at centre-half is solved. Forrest immediately goes down with a foot injury that’ll keep him out for ten days, but the important thing is he’s got a seat on Chugger where Chris Plummer used to be, and it’s still warm.
We’re finally due at Prenton Park. Rovers have had a tremendous start to the season, going unbeaten in their first 19 games, but after the loss of manager Dave Watson to Man City and the sales of some of their better players, including Clint Hill, the wins became draws, and they began to slide away from the top. They’re fully 11 points behind us now — but even still, I expect this to be a very stern test, not only because their new goalkeeper Alexis Delios is down as a ‘star’ player.
For us, it’s a familiar team with one brand new face. Teddy Lucic takes his place at centre-half alongside Costacurta, while Bubb moves into the centre of my midfield three after the crushing injury to Gazza. Kalvenes has been tremendous so far this season, no doubt spurred on by competition from Jamie Victory, so he continues at left-back. The rest of my team is pretty self-explanatory, my bench is awesome, and I feel good about this team. We’ve got quality spilling out of every nook.
Tranmere are certainly no pushovers and I’m squeezing the sides of my couch as I watch them dominate the commentary for the first half hour. Parkinson clips the top of the bar with a drive in just the first minute, before both MacDonald and Barlow miss the target from close-range headers. Lucic and Costacurta are shepherding them well, but we’re allowing Rovers too many chances, and I am deeply concerned. Javan finally gets on the ball and breaks forward, only to be wiped out on his way to goal and his free-kick comes to nothing. Just as I’m starting to wonder what I should change, my side rescue me from having to do any actual management. Kalvenes beats Barlow in the air and switches the ball to Duff, who finds Bubb, he flicks the ball into the box for Sir Les, everyone thinks he’s going to shoot — but instead he plays a disguised pass across the box for Marcel Mahouvé, who arrives like a steam train to clatter home our first shot on target and break the deadlock!
Tranmere are rattled from conceding against the run of play, and they get two quick bookings for wiping out Ferdinand in frustration. Gentle Les, not one to react to such pitiful provocation, graciously does the best thing he can: after Farnerud and Javan combine in Swedish down the left-hand side, the latter eventually digs out a cross, and Sir Les catches it on the volley to almost destroy the net for our second goal of the day. The half time whistle arrives, and after a shaky opening, we’ve weathered the Tranmere storm, pulled their pants down and plundered their booties. Their right back finishes the first 45 on an 8, but their left back is only on a 5, so I draw ten arrows towards Mike Duff as the players come in for the break. He’s already having a blinder out there, and I can see a huge opportunity for us to extend this lead if we take advantage of their weak left flank.
The story of the second half is pretty concise: nothing of any real note happens. In one of the quietest Champ Manager experiences of my life, an entire 35 minutes passes with no commentary at all. The only thing I see is Javan having an effort saved by Delios towards the end, by which time I’ve made my protectorate subs and my players are in deckchairs. The second half comes to a close, and my suspicions about Tranmere have proven to be true: after looking so good over the first ten games, they’ve fallen to pieces and barely shown up here. We’ll take it.
On returning to the hotel, a sharp tinge of heartbreak pierces my chest as I see on Teletext that Deportivo have signed Juan Roman Riquelme from Boca Juniors for £14.75m. My dream midfield three of Riquelme, Ronaldinho and D’Alessandro slip just a little further from my grasp. One day, my celestial triumvirate, you shall be mine. Also, since it’s December, contracts are starting to expire, and my grabby hands are having a field day. The first name to appear in my inbox is Cherno Samba, who I obviously try to lure away from Millwall — but he’s not interested at the moment. We’ll see how you feel in the summer, my lad. Also popping up with unprotected contracts are Scott Parker, who’s a good name but doesn’t have great attributes, and Roberto bloody Baggio. I would give my left arm to have the Divine Ponytail play out his swansong at Nene Park, but naturally, he isn’t interested in coming here just yet. We’ll see if Nîmes try to keep him beyond the end of the season — if not, and he’s on a free when we’re strutting around in Division One, he surely won’t be able to resist the urge to join my Italian contingent.
In the flurry of transfer activity, we also wave goodbye to Mamadou Bagayoko, whose loan period has finished and he returns to Walsall. I consider making a formal bid for him since he’s only £180k and was a handy reserve, but the truth is, he’d barely make the senior side while Mad Dog and Mahouvé are around, so I decide to leave him to get some games for them and set about trying to find a child to add to my reserves instead.
It’s a bumper episode today since we could do with playing the Huddersfield game quickly, only so we can finally get home and burn our yellow away kits on a bonfire. The Terriers are 5th in Division Two, having also had a solid start to the season, and two of their star players are strikers Andy Booth and Delroy Facey — the latter of whom is one of the top scorers in the league. Teddy Lucic will be tasked with ending his afternoon early, while Victory and Andersson return for Kalvenes and Farnerud — but otherwise, it’s the same team that dismantled Tranmere last time out. Try to waft your pits in their direction if you can, lads. It’s our best hope.
Oh just f**k off.
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