Diamond Geezers, Episode 35: Geordies? Sure.
Chugger looks despondent in the shadow of an enormous new coach, as the hydraulic door hisses open and Peter Shreeves steps down to shake my hand. Newcastle United are here, and they’re not happy. They’re hovering just above the relegation zone in the Premier League despite having an embarrassment of riches to choose from, and there’s a lot of unhappiness throughout the squad. Clarence Acuña, Diego Gavilan, Craig Bellamy, Laurent Robert, Nobby Solano, Steve Caldwell, Nikos Dabizas and Warren Barton, to name only a few, are all phenomenal Premier League-class players, but are also very dispirited about the club’s poor league position, and I hope that their discontent can be the road upon which we pave a famous victory. I’m also utterly delighted to see that Alan Shearer has an injury that will probably mean he won’t appear. The only thing I don’t like is the prospect of Shay Given in goal, but hey — we’ve come up against godlike goalkeepers all season, so I guess he’ll just be the latest one.
It’s all change for us. Victory is cup-tied otherwise he probably would have started after his outstanding performance against the Gills, so Kalvenes retakes his spot at LB. Pinheiro, Duff, Gough, Gazza, Bubb, Javan and Sir Les also return, but I decide to give Renner a start in attacking CM after he was really excellent last time out. He carries such a goal threat that I want him in the team, even outside of his preferred position. I take a deep breath and tell the players to smash into Newcastle from the start. If we can snatch an early goal it might demoralise them enough to stop them from coming back into it.
The newly-expanded Peter De Banke Terrace is absolutely bouncing. The entire stadium erupts as Sir Les and Gazza stride out onto the pitch. I notice Gazza patting the front of Sir Les’s shorts for good luck — I decide not to ask, and instead embrace the moment. It’s our first huge cup game of the season, and we’re up for it. Let’s do this.
Newcastle, who aren’t playing Shearer, Laurent Robert, Cunningham, Dabizas or Solano, start the game in blistering fashion and create a few superb chances that have me gripping the arms of my couch so tight that I almost pull the fabric off — but every time they break through, they are faced down by big Hugo Pinheiro, who single-handedly keeps everything out. Despite the heroics of our Portuguese mammoth, Newcastle are threatening to kill the mood around Nene Park — but after we’ve weathered their storm, we find our feet, and come at them like an aggressive fog. Gough, Mahouvé and Bubb combine to put a ball into the box for Sir Les to attempt a spectacular bicycle kick that goes ‘well wide’ — don’t they all? — but it’s in the 21st minute that Lady Luck hands us a fresh slice of fortune pie.
Wayne Quinn is forced off injured, and his replacement Robbie Elliott is immediately skinned by Mike Duff, who’s through one-on-one! Given takes him out!! IT’S A PENALTY TO THE MIGHTY DIAMONDS, and a straight red card for Newcastle’s goalkeeper!! Steve Harper comes on in his place, but Byron Bubb is a terminator from the penalty spot, and he makes no mistake! We’re 1–0 up, and Newcastle are both down to ten men and have been forced to make two of their subs already. It’s not looking good for the Geordie boys, and their afternoon only gets worse — not only am I doing an Alan Pardew jig in my technical area, but yet another fabulous team move ends with Javan squaring the ball across the area for Bubb to arrive once more and welly past Harper for 2–0 — and that’s how we go in at half time.
Whatever Gazza was doing in Sir Les’s shorts has worked out brilliantly for us first half — more of that please, lads. Sir Les doesn’t look especially happy, but even he can see that we’ll never have a better chance to put a Premier League team to the sword. We just need some excellent second-half game management from your humble manager, and the win is ours. To that end, I cancel Gazza’s forward runs so that he can just stand around on the centre spot and save a bit of breath. I also swap Renner (6) for Martin Andersson, rouse the lads, and slap every single player on the arse on their way out for the second period.
Newcastle’s numerical disadvantage kills all their momentum and they can’t get out of their own third. We’re now the ones that look like a Premier League team, and ten minutes in, my substitution pays off. Gazza whips in a corner, and Martin Andersson somehow climbs above the flailing Harper to power home a header from six yards, and this game is surely over. Right now would be exactly the moment for a spot of flat-track bullying, and never one to pass up that kind of invitation, Meysam Javan suddenly appears to connect first-time with a low Duff cross to sweep home our fourth in the 68th minute.
Newcastle’s final substitution sees the introduction of CM legend Stefan Selakovic and he instantly makes the Magpies more dangerous, forcing a smart save from Pinheiro and also laying the ball on a plate for Carl Cort, whose low shot flies past our motionless Portuguese, but we’re grateful to see the base of the post come to our rescue. However, that’s all Newcastle can muster, and Nene Park rises and roars as the full-time whistle blows. There’s no doubt that we got some serious luck from Given’s sending off, but we have still turned in a tremendous performance, and we’ll send Newcastle and their big, gleaming, overcompensating-for-something team coach back up the A1 with their tails between their legs. Mike Duff gets man of the match, and rightly so. Just look at these stats.
I feel high after that. What a victory! However, there is no time at all to celebrate our famous win over such an illustrious opponent, because as the Newcastle coach pulls away, another one arrives in its place — the far more modest wheels of Brighton & Hove Albion are here for revenge. Last season, we beat them in the Vans Trophy South Quarter-Final in a frankly absurd game that finished 5–3, and since then, they’ve made a ton of signings that have improved them significantly. Although they lie 14th in the league, their position masks the strength of their squad, and with no injury concerns and star striker Bobby Zamora looking mean as he steps through the sliding doors at Nene Park, we can’t allow ourselves to rest on our laurels.
We have a bit of tiredness for this one, which I’ll need to rotate to account for. Gazza and Gough drop out for Davies and Plummer respectively, while Kalvenes makes way for Jamie Victory at left-back. Andersson starts after his goal last time, and generally being excellent all season, while Renner drops out of the squad altogether to be replaced by the freshly-fit Peter Møller. Mad Dog McKinlay has injured himself by trying to run through brick walls in training and is out for three weeks, so Bagayoko gets to sit on the bench and watch Marcel Mahouvé crush Richard Carpenter into a fine paste. Javan continues to partner Sir Les up top, and I feel good about this.
The first half begins evenly as both teams trade chances. Duff, Bubb and Javan all have efforts saved by Ian McCaldon in goal for the Seagulls, before Brighton try to come back into the game. They start to come forward in waves, but every time, they run into the Mahouvé Dam — and the one time they manage to spring his defence, Pinheiro flies into the top corner to turn a Scott Murray shot over the bar. We’re just shading the first half as it ticks towards its conclusion — Victory flicks a ball inside to Mahouvé, who plays a first time pass ahead of Sir Les in the area, and our knight of the realm glances a header past McCaldon to give us a slender lead. Instantly, and right on the stroke of half time, Javan wins us a free kick, it’s deflected for a corner, Victory whips it in, and Alessandro Costacurta rises gloriously above Carpenter to plant a header past McCaldon for 2–0 at half time. It’s big Billy’s first goal for the mighty Diamonds, and my veteran hands have given Brighton the old one-two.
I change nothing and start the second half, despite noting that Costacurta, Bubb and Ferdinand are beginning to tire. There’s a lot of puffing but not a great deal of quality in the second 45, as both teams only manage one further shot on target each — Bubb for us and Watson for them — and the game fizzles out by the closing stages. I’m perfectly happy with that, of course, because it means we close this one out as deserved 2–0 winners.
I’m not over the moon about my centre-half situation now that we’ve lost Freddie — it has really exposed our weakness there. Garry Monk isn’t kicking on as well as I hoped he would, and Plummer’s perpetual strop means I have no real interest in playing him — but I don’t have a lot of choice. Ultimately I am going to need some new, young players to blood at centre half. Teddy Lucic coming in will be brilliant, but it’s not like he’s a youngster; he’ll be 30 by the end of the season, and when you add him to Gough and Costacurta, my three best centre-backs will have a combined age of 108. To that end, I set about scouting some prospective options both for now and the summer. My scouts are dispatched to provide updated reports on Titus Bramble, Joleon Lescott, Callum Davenport and Raio Piiroja, I approach Rangers with an end-of-season loan bid for England U21 centre-back Paul Reid, plus I also notice that Olivier Tébily is on a free transfer after being released by Celtic, so I invite him to Northamptonshire and slide a manila envelope full of cash across a table towards him.
A swift click of Continue later shows that Reid has accepted my offer and joined up with my first team squad mere seconds after I first contacted him. Didn’t like Glasgow did you, Paul? Either way, welcome lad. You’ll fit in very nicely here.
Marcel Mahouvé is obviously making an impression, as the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph releases an article lavishly praising our great Destroyer. Welcome to the world of celebrity, Marcel. Elsewhere, Aiden McVeigh plays himself into my thoughts as he comes off the bench to score for Northern Ireland U21s in a 2–0 win against Lithuania. Good lad. My scouts also tell me that Joleon Lescott has had a fantastic game for England U21s and would be an “excellent” signing. Though I’d rather wait until the summer to try to nab him, he’s unhappy with his Wolves contract, isn’t a regular starter for them, and is only valued at £1.1m, so I submit a cheeky bid to see if they bite. In other scouting news, Raio Piiroja is considered to be an excellent prospect who could make an immediate impact, but since this is pre-Estonian membership of the EU, they don’t expect he’d get a work permit, which is quite a blow. He’d be a brilliant budget option at around 400k. I bid for him anyway and hope someone in the DWP is incompetent enough to stamp the wrong form. I’m optimistic.
My bid for Lescott is rejected out of hand by Wolves, but in other news, the League Cup Quarter Finals are drawn, and the winner of our game against Stoke will face either Crewe or Sunderland. Naturally I cross all my loose digits for a Crewe win, and look ahead to our clash with Dulwich.
My scouts hand me their pre-match report on the Hamlet, which is just a flyer for the movie Halloween: Resurrection. I take that to mean they aren’t very good, and summarily move some of my impressive reserve players into the senior squad with a view to playing an exciting, youthful side against our hosts. I stop short of shifting our formation, which I’m tempted to do, but eventually decide that I’m likely to build a Rushden dynasty around my trusty 4–1–3–2 so I should indoctrinate the kids into it while they’re still trying to make an impression.
It’s nice to have a game against a team that we should easily beat — I don’t really remember the last time this happened. I realise we have thrashed some teams recently, including Norwich and Chesterfield, but I certainly didn’t expect that to happen going in. This time, though, our opponents are ranked somewhere in the Isthmian leagues and should be a walkover, even though they must be doing well in whatever division they do compete in. Attacking midfielder Matthew Rush has 11 goals and 8 assists in 15 appearances for the Hamlet, which is not to be sniffed at. However, I trust my young guns to take care of them.
We’ve got a lot of exciting new faces playing today, a possible glimpse at the future of this football club. There are full debuts for Conor Hagan, Paul Reid, Philip Creaney, Mattias Andersson and David Nolan, while there are rare starts for Daniel Talbot, Mamadou Bagayoko and a certain Cristiano Ronaldo. Alexander Farnerud captains the side (Influence 20), Lee Jones will keep nets, and Tarkan Mustafa (29) is by far the oldest outfield player in the side. In fact, the average age of our outfield team is just 20.4 years old, so this is very much my youth team. They all look shell-shocked as they make their way into the away dressing room, passing the likes of Gazza, Sir Les, Costacurta, Scottish Zeus and Marcel the Destroyer on the way. I note the older boys giving the youngsters words of encouragement, which is great because it means I don’t have to come up with a team talk, and then we get the knock at the door — it’s time to get out there. Let’s see what these boys have got.
My youngsters look overawed by the occasion and the prestigious Dog Kennel Hill is rocking with just over a thousand hardcore Dulwich fans — and on 12 minutes, the place absolutely erupts. My charges are a bit all over the place, which makes sense considering they’ve never played together before, and Scott Forrester takes advantage of the confusion in my back four to smash a shot low beyond Jones to put the home side 1–0 ahead. Now we’re going to see what my young team are made of. I’m not much use on the touchline since I don’t know any of their names, so I’m limited to wild gesticulations and incoherent shouting — but fortunately Mustafa, Bagayoko and Ronaldo take the game by the scruff of the neck. Bagayoko, in particular, is imperious in the DMC role, obviously having learned from his hero, Marcel the Destroyer. He’s dominant in the air and sets us off on a few attacks that are led by Mustafa and not quite finished by Ronaldo; most of our chances are falling to the future Portuguese megastar, but he either strikes off target or is denied by Dulwich keeper Jonathan Marfleet. Meanwhile, Conor Hagan is having an utter stinker at CB, so you’ll be surprised to hear that he eventually pops up to equalise. Creaney, on set pieces today, lobs over a corner that our otherwise dreadful centre-half (Heading 4) nods home to tie up the scores as we go in for half time.
It’s been disappointingly even in the first half, so despite his goal I hook Hagan and put on the more experienced Monk, and also swap the anonymous Nolan for McVeigh in the hope that he can make himself a hero.
My changes make a big difference and the second half is one-way traffic towards the Dulwich goal. The home side are resolute at the back, and I begin to fear that we might end up needing a replay — but eventually, their resistance is broken. Mustafa, who’s been our best player by a distance, makes yet another run down the right and crosses for McVeigh, who cracks a first-time volley past Marfleet to give us the lead for the first time in the game! By now, we are camped on the edge of the Dulwich area, and eventually, my youngsters emulate the senior team in the most satisfying way. Andersson collects a pass from McVeigh, then gives it back to the Northern Irishman, he flicks the ball over the back four for Ronaldo to run onto, and his cross from the byline to the back post is met by Tarkan Mustafa, who’s run the whole length of the pitch to finish off a superb team move. We’re 3–1 up, there’s still time for Ronaldo to test Marfleet again but he turns round the post — and that’s how the game ends. A stern test for my fledgling side, who showed all their character to turn that around. I could take credit for making the changes that flipped the game in our favour, but I’m far too gracious to even think of mentioning it.
I await the news of our second-round opposition, and one way or another, it’s going to be big: we’ll play Macclesfield Town or Bath City away. Who said the lower leagues aren’t glamorous?
