Diamond Geezers, Episode 16: Manchester United at Old Trafford
We have arrived in the sunny North West for the first leg of the League Cup Semi Final against Manchester United at Old Trafford. That away trip to Burnley that I got so excited about feels a long way away right now. Our destiny awaits. I’m all tingly.
I glance at the United squad, and relatively speaking, it’s good news. David Beckham, Ryan Giggs, and most crucially, David May are all injured and will miss the game. Sir Alex played Nicky Butt on the right wing in their last match, and actually now that I look, I’m not sure they have adequate replacements for their two legendary wide men; it seems that they’ll be mostly relying on Luke Chadwick. I’m buoyed momentarily, thinking that my central approach and conceding the flanks might actually do OK here… before I notice the rest of their squad, just a couple of vaguely familiar names, you know, Fabien Barthez, Juan Sebastian Veron, Roy Keane, Paul Scholes, Ruud Van Nistelrooy, and of course the reigning Norwegian Player, Defender and Midfielder of the Year, Ronny Johnsen. Wherever he plays, he’s the best. This is an extremely daunting task.
I glance around the dressing room at my team of Third Division-hardened warriors. Colosimo, Carlisle, Plummer and Monk are all cup-tied so my back four picks itself. In midfield, Brandon and Karlie are automatic choices and I plump for Bubb over Farnerud. Farnerud has scored more goals (6 v 4), but Bubb’s 12 assists to Farnerud’s 1 makes him my starting choice here. Naturally, Sir Les and the Great Dane start up front, with Ronaldo itching to make his mark from the bench. Considering history, I should probably keep him under wraps as much as possible.
Ok then. Time’s up. I make a quiet wish for Sir Alex to play a heavily rotated team, straighten my tie, and out we go. The Theatre of Dreams awaits.
We walk out, I see the teams, and I can’t believe it. My wish has come true. My eyes widen as I glance at the faces of the United starting XI. They are still no slouches, but my god, we aren’t playing against any of their very best players apart from Phil Neville obviously. History is beckoning to us. Can we actually do this?
The first half is a blur of United chances. The man who slipped through my fingers in pre-season, Eldar Hadzimehmedovic, is a terror on the right flank, forcing Pinheiro to make a fingertip save in the first few minutes. Then, he crosses, and Ferguson protégé Ole Solskjaer hits a low drive that Pinheiro has to save at his near post. He then blocks an effort from Danny Webber, who minutes later puts a header wide from point-blank range. We are rocking, but my defence, marshalled by the excellent Gough and Risp, are holding firm. Then, as the half comes to an end, Les Ferdinand nods a ball down for Pflipsen, who smashes a shot from the edge of the box that Carroll is forced to tip over! Underwood swings in the resulting corner, and Sir Les heads just wide. Phew. It’s half time.
The fact that we have created some chances right on the 45 buoys me as the lads come in for a quick head pat and a shot of bourbon. I glance around the room and consider my options. We could drop off and play more on the counter, but I feel like that’s just inviting even more United pressure. I tell Kah to kick Darren Fletcher into the sky and decide to go for Mixed passing, rather than Short — I think we would benefit from being a little more direct at times. I glare into the eyes of every player. Come on boys. Let’s do something incredible here.
Brandon has a chance immediately after the second half starts, which Carroll saves. However, after that, United settle back into the game and we see little of the ball for the next 20 minutes. Hadzimehmedovic is our tormentor-in-chief, and just before the hour mark, he finally breaks the deadlock and my heart forever. 17-year-old Darren Fletcher collects the ball with no mention of Kah, who is obviously doing an appalling job, and crosses for the young Norwegian/Bosnian to fire past Pinheiro for 1–0 United. Okay then. Plenty of teams have been a goal down at Old Trafford over the years. The question is, how do you react?
Naturally, I decide to go hard. Kah is doing nothing in midfield, so I replace him with Ronaldo and go 4–3–3, instructing Ferdinand and Møller to body-check O’Shea and Brown wherever possible and leave gaps for our young wonderkid to exploit. I also put on Farnerud for Pflipsen and switch Brandon into the middle. We’ve got nothing to lose at Old Trafford. We are a Chihuahua snapping at an Alsatian. We might as well go for their necks.
Momentarily, we’re seeing more of the ball. Bubb, Brandon, Møller and Ferdinand combine to create a chance that Sir Les nods over the bar — but it’s encouraging. Then, we’re back to United pressure. Our Hard Tackling isn’t helping us, especially with Denis Irwin’s dead ball deliveries to worry about, and he starts firing free kicks and corners at us like a mighty Irish trebuchet. We win most of the headers, and Pinheiro claims the rest of the high balls. We click into the 89th minute. Mustafa collects a goal kick, advances down the right and puts a long diagonal ball into the area. Ronaldo climbs above Phil Neville! RONALDO WITH THE HEADER!! Oh my god, it’s saved by Carroll. Oh, Jesus. I thought that was our moment.
My heart is in my mouth as the clock ticks to 91 minutes, then 92. Carroll takes a goal kick, but it goes straight to Ronaldo. He hits a low drive — saved by Carroll. 93. It comes out to Bubb, who feeds Ferdinand in the box. He lays it off to Farnerud, who plays a first time ball to Møller. 94. The Great Dane holds off John O’Shea and slides the ball back to Sir Les, who’s found an inch of space away from Wes Brown, he smashes a shot in low! GOAL! GOAL DIAMONDS! GOAL SIR LES! In the last minute of injury time! And it’s all over! WE’VE HELD UNITED AT OLD TRAFFORD!!
I am a floppy mess. It’s no doubt our most famous result, and I now feel vindicated in my choice to go more attacking when we are down in big games. I went hard, and we’re going home with a 1–1 draw from Old Trafford that, if I let myself dream for just a second, could set us up nicely for the return leg. If Sir Alex leaves the big guns at Carrington when they come to Nene Park in a month’s time, I’d fancy us to sneak our way into the final. Maybe I did deserve those Manager of the Month awards after all.
And the final would be an excellent place to be, given the result of the other semi: Second Division Wycombe Wanderers, conquerors of Everton and having their own ridiculous lower-league cup run, have beaten Watford 2–0 at Adams Park, giving them a huge advantage going into the second leg. If we get Wycombe in the League Cup Final, we can start sawing Chugger’s roof off for the victory parade now. Blimey. What an afternoon. I need a sit down.
If only there was time, for the moment my arse hits the couch, the rest of me also comes crashing down to earth as my PA texts to say that York City have arrived for our league game. They’re 22nd in the division and they should give us little to worry about. I note that one of their midfielders has just won Young Player of the Month and instruct Mad Dog McKinlay to bite his knees off. The players are in good nick following our return from Manchester, but noting that our next game is against Brighton in the Vans Trophy, I rotate my entire team and tell them I expect nothing less than a win.
And a win is what my second string provide, a convincing one too. Ronaldo puts another bicycle kick ‘horribly wide’ early on, keep trying lad, and York actually score first from a set piece against the run of play, but beyond that, it’s all us. Firstly, Colosimo plays a simple pass inside to centre-half Garry Monk, who Sol Campbells forward with the ball, makes it into the penalty area, and unleashes a furious strike that rockets past Alan Fettis to equalise. It’s his first goal for the mighty Diamonds, and he starts a trend: after Davis thunders home a botched York clearance to put us 2–1 up at the break, the second half sees Farnerud cross for Colosimo to score his first goal for the club and complete his redemption from most hated man in the world to man of the match. Then, with a few minutes left and my team firmly aboard the showboat, Ronaldo spots Fettis off his line, attempts an outrageous chip, the goalkeeper manages to palm it down, and Shaun “Drew” Carey follows up to make himself the third scorer of the day to pick up his first ever notch for the club. It’s a thumping win that extends our lead at the top of Division Three to 16 points.
It has been an incredible afternoon, and I decide to round it off by looking for some more mega stars. A bit of advanced searching leads me to this young man. It might take me a while to get him, and I had to give him a nickname so that he could go by his proper moniker, but all in all? Not a bad day’s work.
