Diamond Geezers, Episode 13: Gough, Georcelin and Tonton Zola Moukoko
We start with news of a considerable defensive reinforcement, and quite a coup he is too. Thanks to my charm and negotiating skills, we’ve managed to sign Rangers and Scotland legend Richard Gough, recently released by Northern Spirit, on a free transfer, with a contract that runs until the end of the season. He might be one of the oldest men in football, but god damn, half the defenders in the world will hope their numbers still look like this when they’re middle-aged. I’m delighted, and immediately make plans to play him alongside all my 16-year-old defenders so he can teach them a thing or two.
We welcome Swansea to Nene Park in our second top-of-the-table clash this season. There’s a lot riding on this. A win would lift us nine points clear of the Swans with a game in hand, but — naturally — a defeat leaves us just three points clear with half the season still to go. My tactical magnetic whiteboard is looking a little worn as I arrange my team to counteract this dangerous band of Welshmen.
Their three ‘star’ players are goalkeeper Roger Freestone and strikers John Williams and Mamady Sidibe. Sidibe has 17 goals and an average rating of 7.96 for the season, so he’s going to have to be watched very closely. He’s extremely strong in the air, so I hand a pogo stick to Freddie Risp and hope we don’t give too many free kicks away around the box — he also has 20 for Set Pieces. I could take the team off of Hard Tackling, but I don’t really want to compromise my playing style. We’ll start as we always do and adapt on the fly. Sharpen those studs, lads. It’s clobbering time.
Risp immediately has a pogo-related accident and is forced off injured, so Gough gets his debut a little earlier than planned. Then, in the 21st minute, we lose Byron Bubb too. My substitution plans out the window, I then watch on in horror as Swansea take the lead with their first shot on target — surprise starting striker Steve Watkin smashes a shot into the postage stamp with 27 minutes gone. Unable to react tactically, I leave my players to it — we are superior in everything but the scoreline. However, the goal is a turning point. Suddenly, Swansea are everywhere, and Pinheiro is forced to make strong saves from Sidibe and Williams. We are wobbling, but as he’s done so many times this season, Møller takes the game by the scruff — collecting a pass from Mustafa and beating two players on his way to thumping an equaliser just before half time.
We go in 1–1 at the break, and there’s little I can do to change things without adapting our shape, which I don’t see the point in doing. This game is balanced so finely that it could go either way, and I’m worried that changing it will tip the scales against us.
We spend the first 20 minutes of the second half peppering Freestone in the Swansea goal, but he’s equal to everything. Then, the Swans retake the initiative and spend the last half an hour raining shots down on Pinheiro’s goal. I’m sweating, but our Portuguese stopper is equal to everything, and try as we might, both sides are unable to change the outcome. It finishes 1–1, and for the first time in a while, we’ve come up against proper equals in the league. That was a tense game. In the end, a draw was a fair result, and we maintain our 6-point lead at the top of the pile.
CM god Tonton Zola Moukoko’s contract is expiring in 6 months. I’m on the phone to him before I even finish that sentence, but he tells me he has “absolutely no interest” in joining the best team in the land. We’ll see how he changes his tune when we’re passing Manchester United off the pitch at Old Trafford.
Also up for renewal is Man City’s Danny Granville (LB), who would be a significant upgrade on Paul Underwood. He seems happy with squad rotation, so I fax a very generous offer to his agent. The utter gits in charge at Cardiff City wait a day, then also make an offer. I make a note to hate them.
Next up is our first return fixture of the season as we welcome Kidderminster to Irthlingborough. The last time we played the Harriers, it was our first game of the season, and due to my deep interest in trying to sign every BK Häcken player, I neglected to organise any training or tactical instructions for my team. Summarily, they outplayed us and we were lucky to escape with a 0–0 draw.
This time, however, we’re ready for them. We’ve lost Risp and Bubb to injury but Brandon is back, so he takes his place in midfield and Gough makes his full home debut alongside Plummer. Otherwise we look the same as we did for Swansea, and we’re in good shape. Kidderminster are 20th in the league, but they are unbeaten in their last four, so we’ll need to be nice and professional. The Airwair Stand is jumping. Let’s go.
I wanted revenge for that opening game and I am very satisfied. There’s not much to report other than, man for man, we assault them from start to finish. Brandon gets a brace following his return from injury, both my strikers are on the board, and even Mad Dog McKinlay manages to dart into the box and claim his first goal for the mighty Diamonds. The Harriers players are going home with PTSD, and we are back to our blistering best.
Justin Georcelin’s contract is also expiring, but maddeningly, he still won’t move down the road. Northampton are going to be relegated this season barring a miracle escape, and we will replace them in Div 2. We’ll see how he feels then. In other news, Jamie Davies, my home-made 16-year-old wonderkid, is being courted by Wolves. They’re still interested despite my £1m valuation and I have flashbacks to poor Gary Mills, taken before his time. I whack my asking price up to £2m as we start the short drive down the road to meet 4th-placed Luton Town.
I decide there’s no reason to change my winning team. Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!
I underestimate Luton, and they keep us at arm’s length for the whole first half. We can’t get near their goal until, as we click into stoppage time, defender Chris Coyne gets his second yellow for a brutish challenge on Sir Les. That pretty much settles the game — with a man down for the whole second period, Luton can’t keep up the pressure on us, and they’re forced to retreat into their own half. We take the initiative and pick them off — only heroics from Carl Emberson and, to nobody’s surprise, on-loan Tony Hibbert prevent a rout. Mustafa gets the winning goal, and we maintain our eight-point lead from newly second-placed Hull.
Georcelin rejects my contract offer as expected, but he also rejects Northampton’s new deal. I instruct my secretary to send his parents an extra-large Christmas hamper… I’m sure they won’t mind that it’s a few days late. Meanwhile, Danny Granville chooses Cardiff over staying in Manchester or joining the future Premier League champions, and in an unrelated matter, I notice Paul Underwood posting an envelope in the shape of a thank-you card.
Next up are perennial player-hoarders Cheltenham Town, who I have an open police report against for their sale of Mike Duff to Sheffield Wednesday for £35k. They still have Jamie Victory on the books, who I note is now “flattered by our interest” in him. I summarily bid £60k and line up the lads for the Robins’ visit to Nene Park.
My midfield is tired so I make a few changes — putting Kah in a more attacking role for the first time to see what he can do, while also bringing Freddie the Fence back in for Gough in the back four. The Robins are 19th and I feel warm and fuzzy. Let’s get em.
We open up several cans of whoop-ass on Cheltenham and run out comfortable winners. Jamie Victory is their only real line of defence and even starts most of their attacks — getting the assist for Julian Alsop’s equaliser on the stroke of half time — but otherwise, we overpower them. By that point, Underwood has already rifled us into the lead with a free kick, and then in the second half, we open the taps. Møller and Pflipsen put us into an unassailable lead, and just to ice the cake, Kah gets out of his deckchair to saunter forward and score his first ever goal in front of the Nene Park faithful.
And just like that, it’s 2002, and we are sitting pretty at the top of the pile. It’s halfway through the season, we’re 9 points ahead of Swansea, we’ve got a game in hand, and Ronaldo’s attributes have improved dramatically — he’s moved up from 15 to 16 for Stamina. Happy new year everyone!
