Diamond Geezers, Episode 10: Raiding Sweden’s Wonderkids
Following Hammarby’s relegation, I spend another solid hour scouting players from all the relegated teams in Scandinavia, plus a few sides that I know have got future world-beaters. I had forgotten all about Andreas Isaksson, who’s only 20 and grows into a monstrous keeper later on. He’s scrawled onto my shortlist along with Mattias Nylund, Johan Andersson and Patric Snugg. I keep my fingers crossed that Malmö get relegated so that I can nick Ylli Shabani, Patrik Eklund, Marcus Rosenberg and Labinot Harbuzi.
I make a £30k bid for Harbuzi anyway, plus I pop down the road to local rivals Northampton to enquire once again about Justin Georcelin, who I’d still be happy to take him off their hands. He could stay at the same school, his parents wouldn’t have to drive far to drop him off at training, and I’d make sure to keep him out of trouble. It’s ideal for everyone. Especially me.
All this prospecting is just an excuse to put off the looming threat of second-placed Hull City at Boothferry Park. It’s a massive top-of-the-table clash that I have to face eventually, so we might as well jump on the bus and get going. The Tigers are another team who play a weird formation that looks like a 3–5–2 with wing backs, but the little run instructions tell one of their CBs to move into midfield when they have the ball to create a weird 2–1–5–2 formation that looks very flanky. That is the opposite of my narrow approach; I consider trying to counteract them, but instead decide not to disrupt the lads too much. I can always change at the break if they’re all complete failures.
I shift the starting team around to accommodate injuries, point insistently at my tactical magnetic whiteboard, try to stop Ronaldo from crying because I’ve dropped him for Møller (tactical reasons, of course), and we’re off.
The first half is a blitz on the Hull goal. They’ve come out to attack, but we are picking them off and destroying them on the counter. Møller is a nuisance, but it’s Ferdinand who puts us a goal up with a header from a Bubb ball into the box. Then, Chris Brandon drifts forward unmarked to convert a Mustafa cross to make it 2–0 at the break, and I’m delighted — especially with Risp and Mustafa, who are both on 8s. The return of Freddie the Fence could barely have come at a better time.
The second half is a continuation of the first. Underwood lines up a free kick from 25 yards and smashes a thunderbastard past McCaldon for three. It takes an hour for Hull to get their first shot on target, which Pinheiro is equal to. I give Wayne Carlisle his debut in place of Mustafa, but that free-kick knocked the stuffing out of the Tigers, and they barely threaten again. We put a few more efforts on target and greet the final whistle with fist-pumps and chest-bumps. This was a stirring performance against our closest rivals. It helped that a few of their players didn’t show up, especially Mark Greaves. If he played here, he’d be asked to think about what he’s done by spending a good few months on loan as far away from me as possible.
There’s no time to go home to our loved ones either, because next up is Tranmere Rovers away in the 3rd Round of the League Cup. We go directly from Hull to Prenton Park, but leave Colosimo, Plummer and Carlisle on the hard shoulder since they’re all cup-tied. Tranmere, despite being near the bottom of Division 2, are no slouches — they have young Jason Koumas and Clint Hill in their side. Both are already on my shortlist, and I hope they don’t prove any points today.
The loss of Plummer means that Panzer Warburton comes in to partner Freddie the Fence at the back. Risp is at 80% and could really do with a rest, but I promise him he can take his girlfriend on a Butlins mini-break if he just gives me one more good performance. My midfielders are all at less than 90% so I promote young Jamie Davis (16, MC) from my reserves with a view to changing two of them before the game is over. The players look tired in the changing room, so I turn Regulate by Warren G up to 11 as they trot out for the third phase of our march to the final.
The first thing that happens is we lose Pflipsen to injury in the 8th minute. I had no idea he was so fragile. Tranmere then begin to threaten, led by Koumas, and have a couple of great efforts on goal, but Pinheiro keeps them out. Then, Bubb is blasted inside the box by Alan Morgan, penalty, surely! No. This disgusting excuse for a referee waves it away, and the team are incensed. Møller is then apparently denied a “classic” goal, which I assume means he waited until the keeper caught it and then barged him over the line.
Luckily, that’s not all for Møller in this half. On 39 minutes, Bubb whips in a cross that the Great Dane meets, powering his header straight at Seb Dijkstra but then gobbling up the rebound to put us a goal up. This game has been incredibly even so far, and we’re lucky to be the ones leading. I decide not to make any changes and see how the second half starts.
As it turns out, it starts brilliantly. Bubb is on hand again to find Underwood at the far post, and he unleashes a volley that would have killed Dijkstra had it hit him. 2–0 up with half an hour left, I put young Ronaldo on for Ferdinand and give Davies his debut in place of the knackered Brandon. Ronaldo immediately thumps the post with a drive from the edge of the box, and my defence holds firm in the face of all Tranmere’s attacks, mostly by utilising the tactic of booting them to the ground every time they come forward with the ball.
Full time comes. Unbelievable stuff lads. It’s coming home.
Pflipsen is out for another three weeks and my patience is thinning. I can’t rely on a player this injury prone. I’m pretty certain I’ll sell him towards the end of the season — he’s my highest-valued player at £400k, so I reckon I could turn a tidy profit.
My improved bids for Harbuzi and Georcelin are turned down, and decide to stop for now. I’ll send their parents a Christmas hamper each and try again in January.
I win Manager of the Month again, to the surprise of nobody, but in less expected news, a certain Cristiano Ronaldo is forced to comb his greasy hair and pull on an ill-fitting suit to collect October’s Young Player of the Month, the first of what I assume will be many individual awards. He thanks me for my contribution. I’m touched.
Interesting news then appears in my in-tray. Rangers and Scotland legend Richard Gough is out of contract at Northern Spirit. He is almost as old as sliced bread, but my god will you look at these numbers. I even pretend I’m not upset by Flair 6 as I leave his agent a voicemail with my paltry contract offer.
The Fourth Round of the League Cup is drawn: we will play either Chelsea or Fulham at Nene Park. It’s a juicy tie. I’m very excited at the prospect of testing ourselves against Premier League opposition. The board then tell me they’re delighted with my performance and are happy with the rapport I’ve built with the fans. Oh, you guys. I love you too.
We’ve got a bit of league business to deal with before our first round FA Cup game against Carlisle. First, 19th-placed Darlington take the slow train journey down to Irthlingborough and we greet them with a much-changed side. I’m not worried about Darlo, to be honest, so I chuck Jamie Davies in for his full debut, Ronaldo on for the sleepy Les Ferdinand, tell Wayne Carlisle to start at right-back but really just play as a winger, and Plummer comes in for Risp who sends me a nice postcard from Bognor Regis.
Quite honestly, Darlington have more shots than I expect, but overall I was right not to worry about them. Young Davies scores our first and runs out as MotM, which is an excellent thing to happen while Pflipsen is laying on a physio’s table in Frankfurt.
Ronaldo, slowly growing into the player we all know, tries to score with a bicycle kick and then a half volley from the edge of the box. Both miss the target, but my god, I love this kid. Underwood rattles in another free-kick for two, then in the second half, Mills drifts forward and finishes a fine team move. The game finishes 3–0 and we never looked in danger.
Following the game, I’m notified that a few players’ contracts are expiring, notably Mark Peters and Ray Warburton. Walsall and Portsmouth immediately approach Peters, and while I’m half-tempted to try to keep him, he’s 29 years old and on £2,000 per week. I decide to let him find new pastures. Warburton is 34 and I’ll definitely let his contract run down, despite the fact that he thinks I’m “extremely competent”. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or a burn.
I’ll need to replace Peters, since it says he’ll leave almost immediately if he agrees terms. Suddenly, Chris Plummer goes down with an injury for two weeks, so I get out my 3310 and start making some calls — starting with very low bids for Tranmere’s Dave Challinor (26) and Southampton’s Garry Monk (22). I’m over the moon that Monk only wants £475 per week as a rotation player, so I bite his hand off and he joins my squad. Positioning 20 will serve him well here. This is a great young signing.
We make the short trip into London to play Leyton Orient next. They don’t look great, so I don’t worry too much about them — their only real threat is midfielder Jeff Minton. I tell Mad Dog McKinlay to give him rabies, shift the team around for freshness, and we’re off.
Again, I was right not to be worried about Orient, but I was right to think Minton was dangerous. Underwood puts us ahead with a penalty, won by the consistently outstanding Byron Bubb, and then a flicked header from Ronaldo puts us two up at the break. I swap McKinlay for Kah, who does a horrible job of man-marking Minton, and he scores a late consolation for the Os, but overall, we did what I thought we’d do. Matthew Gregg in the Lincoln sticks is the only reason we don’t batter them. It’s another win, and we’re blitzing the league.
Post-match, it’s time for the big one. Hold on to your hats, everybody. The English Vans Trophy Southern Section First Round is drawn, and we’re given a horrible away game at my beloved Brentford. As much as it will pain me to put them down, there’s no stopping this freight train. The Diamond Quadruple is on.
